Something happened and I just need to share
I never believed I would ever go and look for support on a forum. I thought I was strong enough, I do my best everyday to act and think as mature as I can, find the wisdom within me even going through the hardest times (and there were quite a few bumps on the road since I've met my SO a year and a half ago), I do my best not to cross the boundaries ("a step mom, no matter how much she loves her step kid, is not a mom", "my SO and his ex had a long history together and I must stay out of this topic as it's none of my business", "reciprocating the hatred his ex has for me wouldn't lead anywhere, better keep being and feeling neutral regarding her" etc), I don't spy on my SO, I don't read his emails or messages behind his back, I simply don't because I know enough about it from what he tells me, and I'm already upset enough by what I have to hear, for adding any more trauma and reasons to be hurt. I'm not even trying to get to know her (she doesn't want to meet me anyway), or stalking her on social media, because the less I know, the less I'm tempted to compare myself and suffer.
But then yesterday, my SS, who is 7 years old, and who has just got a MP3 player from his mom (her old one) was really happy to show me the pictures she had put on the device "for him". Family pictures, uncles, cousins, grand parents... but quickly turned out that the pictures were not actually put on the device "for him", there were there long before, she simply forgot they were there. Because among all the nice family pictures, suddendly was a "funny" picture of my SO's butt, then a close up of her genitals (a pornographic version of it).
Not that may sound funny. But it took me a few seconds to figure out what it actually was, a few seconds during which my 7 years old SS was panicking thinking it was a close up of a wound, and that probably his dad had been severly injured. We quickly took back the device from him and my SO tried to connect it to a computer to erase the pictures. But with my SS around, with tears in his voice thinking something terrible happened, it wasn't exactly an easy task, so my SO managed to simply block the device.
Now maybe you're wondering why I need to share, since it's quite petty. But it's hard enough for me to look at pictures from when they were together, hard to look at pictures of "before me". Though I do completely accept he had a life before me, it does feel a bit painful, after all she has said or done this past year, treating me like a criminal for picking up her son at school (saying the school teacher shouldn't let children go with strangers, though after one year of spending all weekends with him I was no stranger and I had a note from my SO to the teacher explaining), sending me long messages on Facebook as soon as she found my account to make me feel down and feel that I would never be as capable of loving my SO as she was, trying to turn my SS against his dad, sending long love messages to my SO though she was the one who cheated for 2 years while he was at home taking care of his son, all my SO traumas I had to face and deal with, because she humiliated him and told him he was disgusting, and the consequences it had on both of us, especially regarding our sex life... etc etc
I'm sure most of us have been through similar dramas, but I just needed to share it to someone, anyone. Because even though the presence of this picture was not to intentionally hurt any of us, I don't want to have this image in mind forever but I can't get rid of it now. It disgust me, it upset me, after all my SO and I managed to heal, step by step, his step confidence, mine. How I struggled reaching peace within myself, not to compare myself to her, not to imagine her with him, again, especially in our sex life.
When this morning I told my SO about the picture he said he doesn't know what I'm talking about. He just tried to remove a "funny picture of his own butt" and that was "not a big deal". So I explained to my SO exactly what it was. I told him I'm not interested in seeing pictures of her of any sort from now on. I also said we don't need to talk about it either and I don't need any further shitty and clumsy explanations. I did not invent it. I've seen my SS laugh at the "funny butt picture" and just fully panic at the other one. I doesn't make me laugh, my SS is ok now though, but I'm not. I'm just a human being, I can sure be strong but I have emotions too. Maybe I'm not so strong anyway for being "offended" or overwhelmed by just a picture.
PS : If you read all this, thank you for your patience (and sorry for my English, it's not my first language).
I'm sorry you're going
I'm sorry you're going through this- a few years ago I was handed a CD of a Christmas a few years ago when my DH (The Ostrich) apparently revealed more than he should have to his kids. I was told by my OSD that I 'must' see it-but I can tell you I had no, and still don't have any, intention of ever watching it. In fact I may now take it and put it unseen in the trash. That was another life- the life he had before he met me and I don't want to know. I was once shown some photos of a family wedding and made a jokey comment that didn't go down at all well. Now I have disengaged, that trap that was set for me will never be used again.
Think this-- your SO is no longer with her- he has chosen you. You are the object of jealousy because she no longer has him.
It was thoughtless of SS and SO to show you the photos, but if it ever happens again say, 'No wonder you/your daddy left her-what a trashy woman. Good job you/he found someone as classy as me.' And leave it at that.
" That was another life- the
" That was another life- the life he had before he met me and I don't want to know.:
I feel the same. DH has a few boxes of dusty photos from the first family around the house and I have never looked through them. I'm not interested in the slightest about his previous life. Apparently they took family photos every year but I've only seen one and that was through a layer of dust at the top of a stack. I don't care about his previous relationships, stories from skids childhoods, stories about BM or her family. In my mind it's a soap opera that's had it's finale and is over
In a nutshell, here is my
In a nutshell, here is my advice: You need to disengage from your SO's son as much as possible. Now!
You have only been in this relationship a year and a half. It appears the BM is a high-conflict type who is making it clear she hates your guts and wishes you weren't around for whatever reason. That does not bode well for you, especially when it comes to dealing with HER son. IMO, you should not be doing anything in the way of "parenting" this boy to include picking him up from school.
You are also easily influenced in a negative way by how the BM treats/speaks/communicates with you, so you should block ANY form of communication with her. Now!
Sit your SO down and tell him that while you care about his son, you will no longer be doing any kind of care-giving in any form since it seems to set off the BM. Set that boundary and stick to it. Tell him that the future of your relationship is dependent upon this, and he needs to ensure he cares for his son during visitations or any other needs he has - feeding, bathing, etc.
Next, you need to pull up your big girl pants and realize that your SO has had SEX with BM - on multiple occasions and his son is a reflection of that fact. No one likes to think of that but it's the truth. I know it may have been shocking to accidentallly see the photos as you did, but once you disengage you aren't likely to deal with anything like it again.
While the BM may very well have known what photos were on there and did it for the shock factor, I would look at it as a desperate attempt by a sick-minded woman who is trying to keep her claws in your SO and aggravate you as much as she can. Don't let her win.
Fact facts: A person who has had a child had a sexual relationship with the other parent. This is real life. You can't keep fantasizing that it never happened and wish it all away, no matter how distasteful it may be. Part of maturity is realizing that everyone has had a past life and the only thing you should be focusing on is the here and now, and what the future holds for you and your SO. You can't change the past.
Disgusting
I would have had my DH email the picture to her and ask 'did you really mean for SS to have this pic of you?'
It is disgusting that she has these pics of her and not made sure they are safely put away on her on devices and not end up somewhere and given to her young son. Bad parenting. I also found something like that of BM's in the early days. She is very self obsessed and even had topless pics of herself in the family photo albums. She was into taking pics of herself on the webcam and left behind here a load of her trash in bags, old school diaries and such up in the attic. In there was a folder with a CD with 'Me' written on it and a couple of the photos she had printed out, very pornographic. I put all her sh*t in a large bag and the photos on the top (making it obvious I had seen them) and had DH dump it at her door. It was funny because he had never seen them either (she had posed for amateur photographers etc before).
Maybe they do it intentionally because they want us to see it - taking the risk of their children seeing it doesnt enter into their thoughts maybe? I don't know and I do't want to know.
We know
We know that they had a sexual relationship, we know they were Madly in Love. Wh try to put that out of our minds, we don’t want to see pictures of that happy family. Of them having a good time.
not sure how to take this
not sure how to take this answer. Can you clarify?
LOL Except some men really
LOL Except some men really weren't in love at all and married out of obligation. DH describes his marriage as miserable and married her to try to be a decent man. Yep, that ended well (marriage was anulled).
Gah. When DH was moving in
Gah. When DH was moving in with me, I helped him go through his stuff. I came across a picture of BM on their wedding day, wearing a white teddy and white thigh-highs, before she put her wedding dress on. So gross. I can never unsee that picture. Dunno what I would have done if I saw a picture of her veejay. She's a hideous, revolting woman, even before she was morbidly obese, I look better in my late 40s than she ever did. I'm not jealous of her at all, just think she is disgusting.
I'm sorry this happened. It does fade a bit with time. Whenever it pops into your head, think about something else.