Socially awkward with Adult SD
A bit of context first. I am with my husband married for 2 years. I have been seeing my SDs for four years. It used to be once a week and every other weekend. Has slowed down to once a week dinner.
At the beginning it was very polite (slightly stand offish) behaviour from both daughters. It turned to the oldest daughter treating me very dismissively. For example: I would comment on a craft project she’s working on and she would completely dismiss my thoughts or try to disprove them. It’s like she is having an allergic reaction to anything we share in common or that I was trying to have common ground on. It got to the point where I with drew completely. She would barely acknowledge my presence and just dismiss anything I tried to contribute to conversations.
I pulled away and stopped trying and stopped contributing in conversation. My personality is very reserved some might say I’m “shy” so I have a hard time contributing to group conversations. This situation just made it worse. I didn’t say anything to my husband and just took a huge step back.
Fast forward to last winter. My husband and SD had a huge argument. Part of the context was about me - he made comments to her that the behaviour she has exhibited towards me needs to stop. I was surprised as he had never mentioned noticing this behaviour. When it happened in front of him he had never said anything.
After the argument settled and they talked again. She admitted to have a sort of dislike for anything we had in common admitting it was very immature of her. She also said that she felt that I haven’t made any effort to talking with or getting to know her. Which I understand because I don’t know how this is supposed to work or be like. I am also very reserved and I have been told that can come off as rude or uninterested.
So husband and I chatted about everything afterwards. I decided I would try again. I made a bit more conversation with her and would add more to the communal conversations. Tho - sometimes I am still reserved it just to tired from work and cooking to be able to pay much attention. Things seemed to be okay and improving with only one or two rude comments from her.
Fast forward to a few days ago husband and I had a conversation about a trip we are going to with SKs. When I found out how long there trip was I expressed slight stress, concern, and discomfort about having SD being rude or dismissing on this trip. (I’m nervous) Turns out my husband thinks my feelings are invalid because I am judging an entire county by just seeing postcard. In other words I haven’t made enough of an effort to be able to have that opinion. I don’t entirely disagree with him. His argument is valid. Especially considering how reserved I am. It can make it seem like I am uninterested. I’m just quiet and I don’t I have very high social IQ.
Now i am posting here because I don’t know what to do. I am feeling stressed and alone. Like I don’t know what to do or say to try and help the relationship between me and his daughters. My anxiety is through the roof about the whole thing. I am not very socially intelligent and just don’t know what to do or how to talk to them. I need an unbiased opinion on the situation and possibly a bit of help or recommendations on how to make the SDs for lack of a better word - like me. Or at the very least hold a conversation and make eye contact with me. I would love to at the very least hear about another persons experiences so it feels just slightly less lonely in this situation.
SD and her Rudeness
Sounds like all the pressure is being put on YOU to make things work with SD - from your brief sketch. She was rude to you, dismissive and now expects you to "put out more of an effort" ie become a doormat whipping post that she can just use (Im assuming that you pay for things on this trip? Is she paying anything?).
How old is SD? Does she live with you at all?
It sounds like at first your husband saw the truth of things with his daughters behavior and now hes turning it around on you. She ADMITTED to being irritated with your attempts to find common ground with hobbies. She ADMITTED to being immature.
I guess if you think that you are that socially awkward, maybe it came off as disinterest. But seriously, your husband noticed her behaviors. It takes two to make a conversation work. You cannot be the one doing all the work, it just doesnt work.
Thats my take on things. You can try to have a personal heart to heart when alone with SD. Maybe that will work?
My opinion? I think your
My opinion? I think your husband needs to accept your "social personality" and not try to do things that are going to be very uncomfortable for you. "family trips" with his kids are in that bucket. I would ask him to take them without you.. and then take separate trip with him only.
Travel is not likely to improve the dynamic.. trapped together in close quarters with little ability for any relief valve. I would avoid it. or at least ensure there is plenty of space and independent activities.. so you aren't stuck up each other's behinds.
I will say.. my MIL is a bit socially oblivious.. she actually is a "space filler" with her talk.. asks incessant questions and I'm a bit of an observer and don't really like doing a lot of talking unless I'm really "into" the people I'm around.. and my MIL is not one of those people. She has a knack for saying the wrong thing constantly.. she gets things half wrong all the time and I just don't agree with a lot of her POV's.. I don't think she has ill intent.. but I do avoid spending much time with her.. because she aggravates me. And.. she aggravates my husband too.... so fortunately he doesn't push the issue..lol.
Your relationship with your
Your relationship with your SD sounds very like my relationship with my two adult SDs. They always tried to shut me out of conversations and DH would never intervene. I went away with him and them once or twice, early on in the relationship, but then never again. He took them on holiday abroad once when they were teens - I didn't go - I didn't want to. I didn't see why I should put myself through that - and it should be totally your choice whether you want to - or stay home and have a peaceful time. I am now estranged from SD29 because she was foul to me 2 years ago. I decided enough was enough.
At 19 and 13 according to
At 19 and 13 according to your other entry, these two should know how to be polite to an adult. I doubt they treat other adults like you, no matter their "social IQ".
It's good that he is calling them out on it. The expectations put on you are a bit much. Women relate much different then males do. Can he accept you as you are? Is he trying to fulfill that "happy little family" fantasy, trying to fit square pegs into round holes? I get so much angst from your post and really wonder if it's justified or just a male fantasy expectation run amok.
Your husband was clearly attracted to your personality.
And now he wants you to be a different person. Don't beat yourself up for being who you are and don't try to shake off your authentic self for the sake of two brats, one of whom is an adult woman and should know better.
There's a lot of beauty in being reserved, not inflicting yourself on others, existing in your own space. I'm the opposite of that, and for this reason I'm attracted to the quiet, reserved type. My SO is naturally more like you, although in public puts on a more bubbly front, but the side of him that I like the most is the quiet, peaceful side.
It seems to me that this group of people are sending you the message that you're wrong for being who you are. You've already taken a few steps forward to meet them where they are, and that's enough. Once they've chewed you up, they'll most likely spit you out (I'm talking about the daughters here), and you'll be left reeling, not knowing who you are anymore. And they'll be happily trotting off into sunset.
My husband’s
adult daughter complained to him how awkward it was whenever we had contact with her. Gee, now why was that, do you think? We called ahead three times to see if it was okay if we came by. With goodies. The first two times they stayed standing and didn't invite us to sit down. Hmmm... think there was a message in there? The third time she put her toddler in his crib, upstairs, at five o'clock in the evening. We could here him crying. She never blinked. She was deliberately hurting her own child to get back at us for something, anything, no clue. Finally his father brought him downstairs. When we left I told DH that I was never going to their house again because I refused to be the reason she hurt her own child. He was stunned. It never even occurred to him that this was what she was doing. His perfect daughter? But I did get through to him. He was free to do what he wanted but I was done.
So the next time he talked to her he called her out on it - shocked the hell out of me! - which ignited World War 5. Or maybe 6. I lost count after awhile.
IMHO you have two fold
IMHO you have two fold problem.
First and foremost, DH has a huge Hope-ium habbit regarding his DD and her behavior toward you. While it is good that he confronted her regarding her behavior toward you, he is delusional on trying to demonize you for your concerns regarding his postcard/county analogy.
Second, the best predictor of future performance is past behavior. Your concerns are valid and are based on the facts of her past behavior and not on smoking the Hope-ium pipe that DH is sucking on with vigor regarding his kid.
Go into the trip with clear expecations. When SD fails to engage with you or look you in the eye when interfacing, call her on it immediatly. "Hey, I am right here. Please look me in the eyes when I am speaking to you or you are addressing me."
Have the list of past behaviors that are the foundation of your concerns and review those with daddy before the trip so when you confront the skid on those behaviors when she perpetrates them he has the clear expecation that he will have your back and not huff down on the Hope-ium pipe of rose colored parent glasses delusion.
Set your expecations, enforce those expecations, and make sure that daddy knows that you will not tolerate any disrespect from his daughter.
Do not join the delusion that DH has regarding his kid. You have lived her behaviors. Trust yourself and be confident.