So FDH said email only communication with BM, BUT NOW....
Is it just that he is bending to the will of BM or faking back into old habits? Our does he really want to talk to her?
She is extremely hostile, and he said he was going to try email only communication, but she calls him and he answers it. I don't know if I should remind him, or just let it be....
The only thing is, she cries on the phone and is extremely manipulative... And beforw me, he bent over backwards to give her whatever she wanted "for the sake of the kids"
I was helping him scan the kids documents for the emails
And I really don't like the two of them talking, I just want to cut her our of my life as much as possible. Email only was working great so I don't know why he went back top answering her phone calls and sending her text messages....
Should I remind him? Our just ignore it?
That is such a helpful
That is such a helpful philosophy. It's just so hard to do! How on earth did you do it?
"but there were times that I
"but there were times that I thought all this fighting was a form of staying engaged with each other and that he wanted it as much as she did."
i believe this is correct. i don't think exes are TRULY divorced if they are still dealing with each other as they did when they were married (my dh and his ex would fight constantly and continued to do so years into our marriage). until that relationship changes (more of an impersonal business relationhip), they are still emotionally entangled. i think staying with a man during this time DOES lead to PTSD, thus necessitates a speedier than usual disengagement. ripping that bandaid off rather than allowing it to fall off by itself. too much damage is done in the meantime to the new spouse.
Hey email was good with us
Hey email was good with us for awhile, it made BM realize DH wasn't afraid to put her on the back burner. I thought of it like a kid throwing a tantrum. Keep throwing the tantrum and you're only getting one email a day and all your calls will be blocked. But if you reach out and say something productive then I'll answer the phone and you'll get some attention. Start being a bitch again and it's back to email you go.
I read your other posts though and it seems like he has more issues than just what form of communication he should take with her. Hope things get better!
i think since your fdh hasn't
i think since your fdh hasn't severed the last emotional connections to his ex and has brought a new relationship into this mess, you most certainly have the right to speak up and INSIST he gets his ass in gear and sever that connection NOW. he had his chance of pussy-footing around but now there is another life involved and on his path (a JOINT path) and this new person insists on having a dh that is 100% available and considerate of her needs. i'd make sure you're comfortable with his relationship with his ex BEFORE he becomes your dh. once you take the plunge, his incentive for putting his ex in the past is gone (unless you're willing to divorce). you have the power NOW. he has to make a choice, you or her. who is he trying to make happy anyway? if it's not you, you do not have a relationship. i would NEVER sit on the sidelines quietly being miserable while he interacts with his ex as he wants. it's now your life, too and he better start considering YOUR feelings here. speak up woman!
I don't dictate the method or
I don't dictate the method or amount of communication DH has with BM. It's not my custody situation to navigate. I offer advice when he asks for it, or when I know it will be well received. I'm pretty "in the know" of what goes on, but more as a support system than a key player or decision-maker.
I am extremely confident that DH will never want to get back with BM. She may trick or manipulate him into things, but that's on him if he allows it to happen.
He's a grown man. He needs to learn how to raise his children either with or alongside the child's other parent. When I start to feel the control freak in me rise, that's what I remind myself.
My DH is a grown man. He had
My DH is a grown man. He had kids before I married him. I KNEW he had kids and that his divorce was not amicable or civil when we started dating.
Of course his decisions effect me. That's why we communicate like rational adults. Being in the know doesn't mean I have to control every decision, it just means he considers my input and opinion BEFORE making decisions that effect me. It's clear that this approach doesn't work for everyone, but it's how my marriage operates.
And while marriage does unite us, he is still very much an individual with his own personality and responsibilities. I do not feel a need to be involved in every tiny little detail .. he can handle it. Maybe that's why I don't let myself get so upset about his choices .. he CAN handle it without me holding his hand through every email and conversation.
Back to the OP's context, I'm not sure how choosing to text or speak on the phone versus email so directly impacts my life or is somehow indicative of some default in my marriage. I trust him, he trusts me. He CHOOSES to email her 90% of the time .. but decisions are made via text and phone calls as well.
Your last comment is just uncalled for. He can choose to co-parent or parallel-parent .. that's all I was saying. I think it's ludicrus to assume that no communication or cooperation is EVER necessary when raising a kid with two parents who are actively involved in a split (50/50) custody situation.
i wish could have trusted my
i wish could have trusted my dh to handle bm in the past, but i couldn't. i think alot of us here on steptalk are here because our dh's have such a lack of boundaries with their ex (probably the #1 reason there's so many issues in "blending" a family). and yes, it IS a marital issue. unfortunately, sooo many men move onto new relationships without first having completely severed that last emotional connection with their ex. another poster today was saying how she has PTSD from living with her dh before this very important step was completed.
I completely understand that
I completely understand that a lot of the steptalk situations result from things the DH does or doesn't do. To be perfectly honest, I think the majority of stepparenting issues stem from DHs (but that's a whole different conversation).
My DH and I have worked past the bulk of those struggles so far. While I understand my situation may be a little unique in that regard, I resent the back-handed insults because that's the case. It's pretty childish to say DH should still be married to his ex because I'm okay with him parenting his kids the way HE chooses to because they are HIS responsibility.
I know that didn't come from you, but that was what spurred the nature of my last post.
I'm clearly on this site because my situation is not ideal .. we still deal with a crazy BM. We deal together because we are a united couple .. which is very different than me dictating to my DH how/what he's allowed to communicate with his children's mother.
The whole email, talk, text
The whole email, talk, text thing is really a side issue.
The real issue is when a man cannot sever his emotional relationship with the BM. As long as he is still tied to her emotionally he cannot really make a successful new connection.
Of course he should still be tied to his children. But that does not mean having to care about whether BM thinks it's going to rain today, etc.
Very few women can deal with having a partner who still is emotionally involved with another woman - especially an ex.