I want him to stand up for himself
Probably 3-4 weeks ago FH received a text from HCBM stating that she just wanted to let him know that her tax refund was being off-set to pay back her student loan debt or something to that effect. She incurred this debt while they were married, and this is the first year they have filed taxes since their divorce. Anyhow, she texted like 2 or 3 more times that day, about her taxes, FH ignored her.
Yesterday he received another text from her, this time there was a photo attached of the letter from the IRS saying the debt had been settled, and then a text basically calling him a POS because she thinks that he should pay half of it, but she knows that he's not man enough to do the right thing, that he never does the right thing, and her and her children will suffer once again because of him. She also thinks he should be thanking her for taking care of this debt, she has texted a few times "so you're welcome".
I am frustrated on so many levels, honestly anything to do with BM makes me angry, but when she starts complaining about money, or expecting more money form FH I see red. I want to remind her that she is sleeping on a bed that we pay for every single month because it was purchased on a credit card that we are paying off, or that we are paying for a brand new washing machine that they agreed he would leave in the house for her to use "for the kids" until she moved, then he could come get it, but when he went to pick it up it had been destroyed (someone had taken a baseball bat to it). She says someone must of broken in and vandalized it, weird that was the only thing ruined.....
I of course do not communicate with BM, and in all honesty she is so narsassistic that even if FH said those things she would twist it and make herself out to be the victim. But my real frustration is with FH, he has a no contact order against her, she is violating the order by texting him. He ignored the first round of texts regarding this, but she is continuing to text him. I want him to stand up for himself! These manipulative, emotionally abusive comments are exactly what she did to him throughout their marriage, and the divorce, so why is he taking this cr*p from her still?
He thinks ignoring her is the answer, I think holding her accountable to the no contact order is the answer, what do you all think?
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If there is a "no contact" in
If there is a "no contact" in the order, why does he not just block her number?
I understand wanting her held accountable but I also understand him ignoring her. I do think that he should block her, though.
He can't block her because
He can't block her because the only way she is allowed to contact him about SS10 is via text. But the court order on both the no contact order and the custody order are VERY specific, she is only allowed to contact him via text if there is a change in pick up/drop off, or an emergency regarding SS.
Ignoring may be the only
Ignoring may be the only answer.
He's not going to win trying to defend herself and she could turn around and use it as evidence that he's violating their contact order.
He could go to the court every time she contacts him but they are unlikely to do anything and it will just cost. On top of that it’s not threats just harassment through a phone and they will ask why he hasn’t blocked her.
He needs to get a parenting app to use for communicating about the children. That’s a lot easier to submit into court than text messages.
She does't have a no contact
She does't have a no contact order against him, it's only against her, for stalking. Unfortunaltely he can not block her because the no contact order and the custody order both say she is only allowed to communicate with him via text about a change in pick up/drop off or a medical emergency of SS.
I will mention the parenting app to him, maybe that will help.
Maybe see if your DH would be
Maybe see if your DH would be interested in looking into Our Family Wizard? If she's only allowed to communicate through there it might help ease it up some of the chaos...
She sounds chaotic to handle... I would have filed in a report about a violation of the no contact order... But I'm also just a moody person. LOL
LOL, I get moody when it
LOL, I get moody when it comes to her, and I want him to file a report, but I have no control over that (I keep telling myself that).
I'll look inot Our Family Wizard and talk to him about it. Do you use it? What stops her from texting him instead of using OFW if she continues to text him with a court order telling her not to?
OP I get how you feel. I to
OP I get how you feel. I to get overinvolved and very upset about the way BM treats my DH. He ignores her and I get upset because I cannot fathom why he can't grow a pair and stand up to her considering everything she has done. Everyone on here is giving you good advice and I am the last person to be giving you advice because like I said I am guilty as charged of being overinvolved in telling my DH to stand up for himself and I get really upset. The best advice I can give you is that you are the one that has to be ready to stop being over involved in BM's antics and the way she treats your FH. I hope that helps. I am getting better at not letting it bother me when BM contacts me DH and starts on one of her rants/bitch fest however, it is a work in progress!
Thank you Tankh! I'm trying..
Thank you Tankh! I'm trying....I really am. I am VERY protective by nature, so how she treats him and talks to him infuriates me. It does him too, he's just handling it better than I am. He and I were friends before becoming romantically involved, so I saw so much of her manipulative/crazy behavior during their seperation/divorce as an outsider first, and how if affected him.
It's very hard to sit back
It's very hard to sit back and let someone that you love and care about be treated like crap. I can't understand how these men went from these women to us. It is all very frustrating. I guess the best thing we can do is just accept that these HCBM's aren't going to change and just want to insert themselves and make everyone miserable. I just try to keep telling myself that. When BM starts on one of her rants I just try to take a deep breathe and count to 10. I don't hold my feelings inside so it's really hard for me not to express my feelings when BM is texting my DH about some nonsense.
I have learned if I try to
I have learned if I try to hold in my feelings it only makes things worse, because then I get upset over stupid little things. I try not to vent to him too often, because it makes him feel worse about himself than she does.
My friends and family just do not understand, they think I should stand up to her, tell her off, or they think he needs to do more than what he is doing, or cut off all communication. With a child that is very difficult.
So I do lots of deep breathing, go for walks, and come here to vent.
Have to ever spoken to BM?
Have to ever spoken to BM?
Yes. When she first found out
Yes. When she first found out FH and I were involved she found my cell number and would text me, she was all ove rthe place, calling me names, threatning me one minute than the next apologizing and telling me that she is so happy he has found someone as wonderful as me to be in his life. I mostly ignored those.
FH and I moved in together over the summer and at one point she called the house and wanted to talk to me since I was going to be around her son. I talked to her then, and quickly learned that all she wanted to do was upset me and try to cause problems between FH and I, she didn't want to get to know me.
Since then she has tried to contact me, but I have her blocked, if she finds ways around that I ignore her. I can't always keep up with her fake facebook accounts, she has even tried to tag herself in our photos on FB, of just him and I.
She sounds like BioHo.
She sounds like BioHo. Ignoring her is the best route because it prevents her from getting what she wants - ATTENTION. She may also WANT to fight with him - there are plenty of people who get a sick high/thrill from fighting.
As for that washer, BM obviously destroyed it to prevent FH and you from having it. Period. No vandal broke in. ~eye roll~
Your FH needs to document all of this contact to prove BM is in violation of the court order. However, no one can force FH to DO anything. Would BM take this out on the skids if he did? He may be laying low to avoid conflict and any difficulties she might cause the skids.
I guess ignoring is best, I
I guess ignoring is best, I just want her to be held accountable, but there is no guarantee of that, and she isn't one that would actually do any self reflection, she will just blame FH more. She runs around town telling anyone who will listen how horrible he is, it amazes me how many times we are at the grocery store and someone says "I ran into Crazy the other day, she said you abandoned her and the kids, took all the money, and she lost everything". We have actually seen his old neighbors and they have made comments that they were worried about him, that they hadn't seen him in a long time and didn't know if she had done something to him!
Hon, she will only be held
Hon, she will only be held accountable if your FH documents everything and presents it in court.
There is nothing else either of you can do to stop her crazy. IMHO, actions speak louder than words. Continue to be good people and her crazy will eventually become obvious.
Thank you Aniki!!!
Thank you Aniki!!!
Lots of good insight here by
Lots of good insight here by everyone. With a HC person, I think ignoring is probably the best way for him to handle it. Honestly the cost and aggravation to go through court probably outweighs the minor annoyance of a text (deletable) on some subject outside the allowed parameters.
If I were him I would delete and move on if the texts aren't relevant to his child. Unless he wants to keep them for his records and plans on holding her accountable. Now it may seem like that is what he should be doing, but honestly the crap storm that might result could make things worse for everyone and he probably realizes that and that's why he is just going passive no contact. If it's any consolation, it probably drives her nuts to be ignored.
My goal was to get my DW to stand up for herself
She finally learned to do it but it took a few years.
She had no problem standing up for herself on the big stuff (defending an attempt by the SpermClan to gain custody) but she struggled to do it on the "daily" stuff. If it took a court action she was all over it but if it was the more mundane stuff... she just let them beat her to death (figuratively of course).
Her rationale was that she didn't want the SpermClan taking it out on the Skid when he was on visitation so she would be far accommodating that I thought was necessary. I was finally able to get thought to her that they were taking crap out on the kid during visitation time anyway so rather than cater to them it was a far better idea to take a zero tolerance position with them and bring the pain to the fullest possible extent any time they deviated from a position of reasonable behavior.
When she finally gained clarity and started to beat the snot out of them any time they stepped out of line her emotional state improved and so did our family quality of life. More importantly eventually they learned not to take their family crap out on the Skid, they learned to not try to manipulate him, etc... She would hold them to a firm standard for while then she would start to back off because she felt guilty.
It took many more years before she adopted an impenetrable zero tolerance policy with them regarding any deviation from the CO or compliance with standards of reasonable behavior. She is a kind hearted person and invariably reverts to a position of "they have learned their lesson" even with those who have proven incessantly that they are not only incapable of learning a lesson, they will take every opportunity to take a mile if they are given an inch. Eventually they learned that if they even tried these things a little bit it would cost them a severe beating about the head and shoulders with a rolled up copy of the CO (figuratively of course). Any deviation form reasonable behavior or the CO could be heinously embarrassing for them socially and could find its way into their work lives when we would have to collect the SKid when they were late returning him per the visitation CO. We would have my FIL pick the kid up with either a Sheriff or police escort (my wife's BFF's father was the Police Chief and then the Sheriff and he detested the Spermidiot... something about gang activity, serial statutory rape, etc.......) when they were at Church, out for a family dinner, at family reunions, etc.. and any time they forced our hand requiring a court action we had them served with court papers at their place of work and would subpoena payroll information and invoke payroll withholding of CS through their employers.
I learned long ago that the only way to deal with a bully is to kick their ass. So that is what we did. Eventually it was my incredible bride that who would beat them into submission to the point that I rarely even had to coach.
I hope your DH can grow some testicular fortitude and deal with what needs to be done with the BM.
For your sake and his.... and mostly for the Skid's sake.