Share disengagement letters? Help please!
As I'm trying to prepare my own disengagement letter to BD, I was wondering if anyone wanted to share theirs or knew of existing links where I could get some inspiration. Any info, advice, do's and don'ts, etc?
Background info.....
Married to BD for 3 years, stepmom role for the last 5. SD12, SS13, BM hostile/oblivious. SK live with BM, pretty standard parenting plan and visitation schedule which BM entirely ignores. BD is under involved: disciplines inconsistently, takes the easy route in parenting and in doing so infantilizes SK. Both kids can be rude, whiny, messy at times but only the SS is openly hostile. Previously, it has been my "job" to prepare for the kids by doing laundry, going grocery shopping, cleaning their bathroom, baking, etc. and then becoming responsible for childcare while BD is at work or even just resting (funny, I know), meal prep (which of course I must cater to each child's taste), making any and all activity arrangements, a portion of the driving, bandaging boo boos, wiping tears, etc. SS outrageous comments and behavior and BD failure to acknowledge my efforts have recently push me over the edge.
Disengagement in 5....4....3....2..
people do letters for this
people do letters for this stuff?
I disengaged from BM. Didn't
I disengaged from BM. Didn't write a letter or really tell anyone other than DH, just so he could quit telling me stupid annoying sh*t she did.
I just STOPPED doing.
I just STOPPED doing.
LMAO! I got the message! I
LMAO! I got the message!
I guess I'm concerned about things being turned around on me. I tried to distant myself once before and got blamed for everything but the dinosaur extinction. In reality, all I did was stop parenting his kids so much.
Writing a letter is not
Writing a letter is not action.
Action is what will get your point across.
I wouldn't write a letter. I'm not sure I would even announce it. I would just start disengaging and when asked about it I would say, "I don't agree with XYZ so I'm no longer contributing to it. YOU are welcome to parent your children however you please."
I'm considering all this
I'm considering all this great input. Thank you everyone!
Just curious as why you want
Just curious as why you want to go the route of writing a letter? I think if you just do it and step back then he will get the picture. If you write a letter he will get angry and repeatedly quote from it like the bible!
I disengaged before I even
I disengaged before I even knew there was a term for it, about three months before I found this forum. I have to say, it was nice to know I wasn't the only step-parent dealing with this sort of situation. It sucks for all of us, but at least I knew I wasn't alone!
DH started questioning me about why I was so "distant" toward his kids, and I was criticized for "ignoring" his kids, especially SS9. SS9 had a temper tantrum over it several times, but it hasn't come up in the past week or so, thank God. BM even got involved. It was a nightmare, but I didn't back down.
I told DH that I don't have time at nights or on weekends for my OWN two kids, and what precious little time I DO have is going to be spent on them. DH can spend "quality time" with his kids if he wants to and is able, but I'm not going to sacrifice time with my own kids just so his precious little snowflakes don't feel ignored by me. I told DH that they're just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I'm not changing anything about the way I do things to accommodate them.
Around the time DH confronted me about my "cold, distant" behavior toward his kids (who are all rude, bratty, lazy, disrespectful, and sloppy BTW), I'd found this site and a link to the web page on disengagement. I let him read it. He didn't like it and felt that I was being unfair toward his kids, but I haven't backed down, not one damn inch.
Until his kids can learn to treat me with some respect and clean up after themselves, I'll continue to remain disengaged. DH doesn't like it, and it did get worse before it got better, but it saved my sanity, and my marriage. DH may not care for it, but it DID save our marriage, whether he wants to acknowledge that or not.
So no, I didn't write a letter, but I did have a couple very frank discussions with DH about my disengagement, in very clear, easy-to-understand terms. There was no mistaking what I had done, and I left nothing vague.
It wasn't easy, because I had to tell him how I really feel about his kids, but at least it was finally all out in the open. That made me feel a lot better, if nothing else.
Everyone has been so helpful.
Everyone has been so helpful. Thank you all!
I talked to DH last night. It went pretty well actually. He said that he gets how I feel and agrees that me taking a step back might be the best for us all right now. Hurray!!!! He did look a little green when I mentioned specific examples of what I'm not doing anymore so we'll have to see how it actually goes when the SK are back.
I will post again as things change. I'm sure I have a lot more to learn here.
Just keep in mind, think of
Just keep in mind, think of all of us other SM's that are behind you 100%! It's nice to know so many others understand and are your cheering section!
Absolutely! Yes, he's going
Absolutely! Yes, he's going to be upset that he now has to step up and do more for his kids, but the point is that they're HIS kids, not yours! You are NOT obligated to do anything for them!
As I said before, it will get worse before it gets better, and you'll see that when the skids come back to your house next time. But stick to your guns! Don't back down or give in!
I'm dealing with this again right now. DH is upset because his kids will be back at our house tonight, and he said he's "all torn up inside" because he knows I "hate" his kids and don't want to be around them. It really bothers me that DH feels this way, and I know it hurts him, but I have to be honest with him about how I really feel.
I told DH that I don't hate his kids, but I do hate their behavior sometimes, and it's the behavior I wanted to disengage from. The constant disrespect, the sloppiness, the lack of manners or consideration for anyone other than themselves. I have to work constantly with my own two kids to keep them from picking up the skids' bad habits, so I already have my hands full as it is. I don't have time to play maid, janitor, nanny, and chef to his three kids.
Just stick with it. It WILL get better eventually, and you'll be a lot less stressed out. As Accordn2L said, remember - you're not the only one out there dealing with this! We're all in this together (unfortunately)!