Setting Boundaries with BM
Now that we have the support reduced to a manageable amount, visitation changes are in the works, and we really don't need to ask BM for anything, DH and I agree that we need to be setting more boundaries with her. It has definately gotten better since we have been together. She no longer calls him to come over and help discipline the kids, doesn't just walk into the house (she did this when he lived alone), and he doesn't go into their old house when he picks up the kids or do her favors/maintenance on the house. We are to the point that they both stay in the car to pick up/drop off and have really no "friendly" conversations or contact (her fault). However, she still thinks she has the right to police us, for example she:
1. thinks she has every right to know and comment on our vacations - always finding some way to relate it to the kids. They are mad about it, DH isn't paying enough and a vacation will take him away from work, etc.
2. Constantly tries to get us to let SD17 use DH's truck when we are out of town or he isn't using it. SD17 has a car that DH bought her, but its older - a 1988 jeep so she always wants to use our truck when she has things to do that are farther away. The problem is that BM thinks she is allowed to drive the truck when we loan it to SD and I won't take responsibility for anything that happens if she drives it after too much wine. She also calls DH to badger him to meet them somewhere or deliver the truck (a two hour round trip) when we let SD use it.
3. Constantly badgers DH to pay for extras. We told SD that we would pay her registration so we have BM emailing and calling ordering DH to do it NOW because its so inconvenient for BM to have to drive SD to work.
In general, she gets involved in everything that we have discussed with the kids and acts like we are an extended family that she has every right to comment about/know about. What have you all done to set boundaries on communication like this?
Point 1. None of your
Point 1. None of your business..whatever comment or opinion you have keep it to yourself. And then ignore ALL comments she makes..Even if she says the kids are mad. Address that with the kids. But tell the kids that they go and do plenty with them and when they are at their moms life doesn't stop. Just explain it that is is just life and they do plenty of things while at their moms.
point 2. Just say no and be done with it and ignore all other requests and all her calls go straight to VM! Then IF it is import for dh to address it then he will call. But if it is just her demanding or ranting about something you did or bought ignore.
point 3. Sd is 17 tell sd that you will take her up and pay for when you have her. ignore all other calls about extras unless dh wants to pay it.
The key is here is to IGNORE all crap calls like she never called. Or emailed or text or what ever she does.
McKenzie K I agree with you
McKenzie K I agree with you on everything but the truck sd has a car she can drive that her dh bought her there is NO need for her to borrow the truck. SHE HAS A CAR!
I am nervous about getting SD
I am nervous about getting SD a car because she doesn't understand why BM can't drive it also. I don't mind paying for SD to drive it and insurance but I do not want BM driving it. If something happens BM won't be able to even pay the deductable to fix it. So I say no way to BM driving anything that we buy SD.
Thanks Druzzilla! I didn't
Thanks Druzzilla! I didn't know that and it literally has kept me up at night worrying that she will be less than careful with our vehicle and I'll be stuck with some enormous drunk driving bill (hoping at the same time she wouldn't hurt anyone, sigh).
What if it is loaned to SD and she gives BM permission to drive it - does this still apply?
Thanks all - good point.
Thanks all - good point. I'll just recommend to DH that he let all of her calls go to voicemail and then he can decide what to call her back about. Even when they are talking about kid related stuff she always throws comments in about me - telling him he needs to "talk" to his wife because she doesn't like something that I've said or telling him that his "new wife" is giving him orders. I am thinking that he let her know that I am not a part of any discussion he is going to have with her and if she doesn't keep her comments to herself, the call is over. Thoughts?
That is what my dh did at my
That is what my dh did at my request. KI told dh that I am NOT a part of what they say or do and I will not be brought up. IF she says I am nothing to her or her kids then do NOT talk about me or my kids period! He would hang up if she started talking me or my kids after being warned. It took a while but she got it.
This is going well! DH
This is going well! DH decided to finish dealing with the jointly owned house since we have discovered that she is almost 30 days late on the mortgage. We sent a very professional email and at the end, we noted that DH would only be discussing non-emergency issues related to the kids with her through email or registered mail.
Of course she still tries to add some nasty comments to her email - she is SO freaking bitter that we are going on vacation tomorrow! But we have ignored it and just responded as though she never said anything. If she makes any comments about me or anything too nasty, he'll be letting her know that there will be no further non-emergency communication until she can be civil.
OMG....what a witch We have
OMG....what a witch
We have one of them bitchey BM's
I dont talk with her...I think she is scared of me...hasnt called here for so long. But DH tends to not say anything about our vacations/holidays....we just go and they find out when we are on them....so we could be 16 hours or more drive away from them and the skids start grizzling for daddy to buy them something then we tell them where we are....little turds.
kids live with her dont they? then she pays...you guys give her an allowance to assist with bringing them up....thats all...
your not the extended family...she lives elsewhere...so too kids so deal with it....
its called divorce and getting on with your own lives...
Dont tell them any of your plans...keep quiet with all your doing....and just plan a life without them in it!
It's soooooooooo hard to just
It's soooooooooo hard to just ignore someone who is getting on your last nerve! I had to draw on my inner determination, my resolute self, and be polite. When BM begins to tell me about her latest boyfriend I tell her 'it's really none of my business'. She demanded extra money from us one day, I had the money at home waiting for her daughter to come and collect it. She calls asking if the extra is included and I tell her it's not. She demands to know where DH is, I honestly did not know my own self at that point so I said so. He was at work and work includes supply houses, customers etc. His cell phone number was different to the one she had and she demanded his number, I said no. She demands again to know where he is, I tell her I honestly do not know and I had no intention of calling him. She tells me 'you could not find your ass with both hands in your pocket!' I chuckle inwardly, remain adamant that the money is there and she should come collect it. One more time she asks me where DH is so I tell her 'he crawled up my ass and I can find neither it, or him!' I should have remained adamant and not antagonized her but I could not resist!!