SD17 at it again; I am FURIOUS with DW!!!!!!
Well, it looks like I am getting tested on just how far I can disegnage from my rotten SD17. Some serious garbage went down last night. A bit f background before I start:
I live with DW and SD17. SS20 is mercifully out of the picture for now. DW uses the "friend" approach to parenting - she wants to be SD17's best buddy, not her mom. Some call this "free-range parenting," because the kids get to do whatever they want without real consequences. Whatever label you use, that is the situation in our household. I recently disengaged from SD17, and things were going pretty good until last night....
Right before bedtime, I went upstairs to my home office to check something on my work computer. This is kept in the office, and is never supposed to be used by anyone other than me. No one (DW or SD17) has ever messed with it before. However, last night, I discovered that SD17 had done something to it (can't get into specifics), because she thought that she was entitled to mess with whatever she wants. I did not say one word to SD17, who was in her room upstairs. As I left the office to go downstairs to discuss this with DW, I pulled the door to the office closed behind me. I didn't really slam it, but I was mad, and I pulled it a little harder than usual.
Downstairs, I told DW what happened, and, as has been the case since I disengaged, I asked that she handle the situation. I explained that it was completely out of line for SD17 to mess with my work computer, and that I could get in trouble for what she did. I did not raise my voice, nor did I use any profanity. I probably did have a "stern" tone because I was so pissed, but that was it. DW went upstairs, was gone for no more than 2 minutes.
When DW came back, I aksed what punishment that she meted out. She said that she "got on" to SD17. I asked what else she was going to do, and DW said that was it. I was livid! Again, without raising my voice or using any profanity, I expressed to DW that I felt that punishment was in order, due to the severity of the offense. SD17 not only violated my privacy, but messed with my employer's property. DW said that she was not going to get in the middle. I then demanded that DW have SD17 apologize to me. She said that she would not do this unless I apologized to SD17 for "slamming the door." WTF!!!!
Needless to say, I was still extremely upset about this, and pressed the issue a bit further, again without doing anything that a reasonable person would consider "out of line." However, DW has a habit of expecting some pretty unreasonable things when her spawn is in danger, and said that I was "badgering" her because I did not think that talking to SD17 for 2 minutes was enough punishment. She then threatened to leave and get a hotel for the night if I did not drop the issues.
Not wanting to go there, I reluctantly dropped it, but told DW that it was out of line for SD to be going into the office, and that I would lock the door from now on. DW said that if the computer was so important, I should have always locked it in the office, since it was likely that SD17 would go in there and mess with it at some point. WTF!!!!! I couldn't believe what I had heard. DW actually said that it was reasonable to expect SD17 to go snooping into my stuff, and that what happened was largely my fault because I had not anticipated that SD17 would do such a thing. I told her that I never would have done such a thing when I was a kid, and she told me that I must not have been a normal kid, because normal kids do things like what the SD17 did. After all, "kids will be kids," she said. Yeah right, maybe rotten kids with no morals.
Anway, I went upstairs and locked the office. We had only those simple indoor locks, the ones that can be opened with a generic little key (the builders usually leave these on the door trim when they install a door). I then hid the key in the game room, which is upstairs, and went back down to bed.
As I started to settle down, I realized that I never actually finished the work that I had originally set out to do, so I went back upstairs to get the key to the office. Guess what - it was missing! I went downstairs and told DW, who went back upstairs, confronted SD17, and got the key back. Apparently, the little brat heard me in the game room, and was able to guess where the key was.
Since the SD17 had once again violated trust and privacy, I was sure that DW would levy some kind of punishment. NOPE!!!! I asked DW about this, and she said that she "got on" to SD17 again, but that would be it. I was even more furious!!!! I told DW that her "friend" approach to parenting wasn't working, and that SD17 is not learning the life lessons and morals that she will need when she is on her own. DW said that if she was SD17's "friend," then she would have said nothing about what she did. I don't know about you folks, but if I had a friend that acted like that, I would have called them on it. Ridiculous!!!!!
Not wanting to provoke another unreasonable response from DW, I again was forced to let it go, and finally fell asleep after 1:00 AM. I am just so upset with DW. Her lack of parenting has led to this situation, and I am not allowed to parent SD17. I just have to take it, which is why I disengaged. Unfortunately, this example does show that there may be limits to disengagement. Sometimes, the skids' conduct is so outlandish that it can not simply be ignored. However, after all of the shit I had to endure from DW defeding SD17, maybe I shouldn't have said anything after all. I just hate to let SD17 keep stomping on me, and getter her way all the time at my expense.
I did ultimately come up with something that will help the situation. I went to Lowe's today and bought 2 locksets. There are now fully locking doors on my office and on my master bedroom. These can not be opened with the little generic keys. Going forward, the office will always be locked, and so will the bedroom unless we are in it. Best 60 bucks I have ever spent.
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I feel you on this one Paul.
I feel you on this one Paul. My SD (27 going on 28) still lives with us. One night I left my laptop on the kitchen table and the next morning she'd placed a butter knife on top of it before going to work. Now there's a huge table there, but she put the knife on top of my laptop. I got on her so bad that at this point I think she's afraid of me. yaay!
Also, I love the term "free range" parenting.
My DH is much like your DW in that he'll turn his head or minimize what she does . .setting her up for failure. In your case - especially since it was related to your job - I would have put my foot in her !@!@ (just a figure of speech) and packed a suitcase for my DW. She should have insisted that SD apologize for bothering your computer. I hope your travel removes you often from the situation and that your SD will grow up and move on.
As you can see from my various posts . . when they are coddled and never held accountable, they never want to leave the nest and become pathetic adult step children and a royal pain in the behind where ever they call home.
Good for you, allowing you BF
Good for you, allowing you BF a say in how things are done in a house that you two share. I tried for many years, but DW will just not hold SD17 accountable. She either minimizes or flat-out ignores things that the SD17 does. If I try to get involved, I'm being "too hard" on poor SD17, and DW will countermand anything that I say. It is frustrating.
Excellent point Confused and
Excellent point Confused and at the end of the day it does come down to just that . .disrespect. My SD was so out of control she took something that belonged to DH out of the house and gave it away because "he wasn't using it". The nerve.
Well, with my egging him on, he got so angry he confronted her before she could even get in the house. She was so shocked . . . (at that point she learned not to under estimate my influence on DH). She felt so bad that she apologized over and over again and came back later and apologized again.
In my opinion you missed two
In my opinion you missed two very good opportunities to not only agree to your wife's threat to leave for a hotel but to invite her to take her spawn and go.
IMHO disengaging is not necessarily the way to go when the spawn live in YOUR home. In MY home my wife and I make the rules and if she won't enforce them then I sure as hell will and neither she nor our son (my SS-18) will like how I do it.
So, step up, enforce the rules in YOUR home and when your DW complains about how you do it tell her "if you don't like how I enforce the rules then you had better step up and get it done before I have to".
Immediately in addition to the locks you installed I would remove the door to SD-17's room, take her house and car keys (if she has any) and inform her that since she has no respect for doors, locks or rules that she will not have a door or keys to her car our your house until she gains that respect to YOUR satisfaction. She can hike her happy little disrespectful ass to school or where ever else she wants to go, wait on the front porch until you or your DW get home if she wants in the house and she can do without a bedroom door when she is in the house. If DW bitches about it, show her the door with the guidance to not let it hit her or her daughter in the ass on their way out.
The only way that a marriage at the core of a blended family can work is if the spouses are respectful of each other, support the joint decisions made as far as parenting and household rules are concerned and supportive of each other in enforcing those rules. My wife and I have struggled with disciplining our son (my SS-18) on and off for years but one thing is for damned sure. My wife would have skinned our kid alive if he had done what your SD did to your computer to either my wife's work computer or mine. There would have been nothing left of him for me to discipline after his mom got done with him.
Your SD-17 and your bride need to learn some tough lessons on consequences IMHO.
I would sit your bride down tonight and review with her the recent computer escapades of her daughter, how your wife offended you with her lack of responsible adult action in response to her spawn's behavior and map out exactly what consequences that YOU will be implementing for SD and clearly communicating that your DW has only once choice..... Support you in parenting her daughter. That is it. That is her only choice. Not making that choice gets her and her spawn an immediate trip the hotel until they both gain clarity.
IMHO of course.
Good luck and best regards,
I feel for you. We, too,
I feel for you. We, too, installed regular "key" locks. Unfortunately, they can actually be "jimmied" with a credit card. We have since upgraded to deadbolts. LOL..... good luck, dude!
Thanks for the pointer. I
Thanks for the pointer. I don't think that SD17 would think of something like that, but I will look for any signs that would show she was trying it, like scuff marks on the doornob and doorframe.
We have a safe that is kept
We have a safe that is kept in the office, which now has the locking door. I guess we could move it to the bedroom for any items there. Good idea.
We have a safe that is kept
We have a safe that is kept in the office, which now has the locking door. I guess we could move it to the bedroom for any items there. Good idea.
Your DW did exactly what I
Your DW did exactly what I would have done for a first offense. I prefer to discuss things, and after it is clearly spelled out it better not happen again or there will be hell to pay for such blatant disrespect. Stealing the key is somewhat of a separate issue, cuz every kid knows stealing is wrong so there's nothing to discuss, and what she did was pretty blatant.
I'd say at age 17 it's probably too late to do much parenting, but you should be able to set boundaries and expect the same respect that you would with anyone living in your house.
I think you're right. DW's
I think you're right. DW's not going to do anything punishment-wise, so what's the point? I guess that I need to do a better job bottling up my anger in these situations, and just focus on what I can do to protect myself. SD17 is definitely not getting any better.
Yep, you're right. It
Yep, you're right. It wouldn't take long to compare parenting notes, since they don't have any.
The BM here 'spoke' to OSS
The BM here 'spoke' to OSS when she came home to find a fan in his room running blowing air out an open window and a damp towel under the door and chairs around the said window. And the OSS said he had not been home and had no idea what had happened and it was 'probably' YSS. She then called DH and asked when YSS was at her place that day. He hadn't been there at all. Were we sure? Ummm, yes. He was helping out around the house. Are we REALLY sure because blah blah blah.
DH just rolled his eyes. and reminded her of when they were dating and what it all meant.
No! OSS had denied smoking pot. It must have been YSS! He must have sneaked down to her place 3 miles away, sat in 3 chairs, hooked up a fan to blow air outside while he smoked pot... in the time it took him to pee in the bathroom at our place which was the only time he was alone.
Still, she did not want to bleieve it was OSS because he is the Golden One. All she did was 'speak to him'.
And now he is cooling his heeels in a halfway house for alcoholics and drug addicts or he would be in jail for a while. BTW, he was 18 at the time of the fan/window/chair thing and is now 20.
Utah .... She must be amazing in bed because her kind of behaviour would be VERY unattractive to most men. What is her redeeming factor? Because that SD17 is around for the rest of your lives. SD will say jump and instead of travelling with you she will be visiting SD and being 'friends'.
Ugh, you have reminded me of
Ugh, you have reminded me of the "Unholy Trinity" of my fears for SD17:
1. Pregancy
2. Drug use
3. Vehicular manslughter
Despite the problems, I do love DW very much. We have stuck it out through a lot over the years. It is just the stuff with her kid that drives me nuts.
I'm sorry but I'm having a
I'm sorry but I'm having a hard time seeing the benefits of this relationship. Why would you want to be with someone that thinks so little of you? Your wife out of love for you should demand nothing but the most respect. If my SD's were blatantly disrespectful to me in front of my DH I think he would almost kill them. It sounds like you have been dealing with this for a long time, and it is not going to go away at the magical age of 18, so how long exactly do you intend to live like this? When will enough be enough? When do you start to live a life of happiness? I hope you come to a crossroads where you can make the best choice for yourself!
MamaBecky has made a point
MamaBecky has made a point and a damn good one at that.
In the past, my DH and SD (27) made me feel like I was an outsider. I felt DH's first priority and allgiance was to SD and told him that if I didn't see any changes, I was leaving him. I also told him that his actions toward her (turning a blind eye and making excuses for her) made me resent her even more. I already dislike her because of all this sh!@y stuff she's done to me. At one point she wouldn't even speak, and we live under the same roof. DH nows keeps his foot in her !@!@ about respect and other issues and she's started acting like she has some damn sense because she knows her actions won't be tolerated.
Your DW if only making her behavior worse by not calling her out and demanding she give you the respect you deserve.