SD10 rejecting me after 8 years?!
New to the site but I'll give it ago to see if I can get any advice?
My SD10 has become very funny with me over the past 2 years. I have been with her father for 8 years and married for 1 year. She was only 22 months when we got together and doesn't remember her mother and father being together at all, they were both in their teens when she was born. I am also legal guardian for my brother who is 15 and he has lived with us for 6 years. My sister who is now 21 was also with us until she went off to Uni last year.
My SD only stays 1 night per week coz of her 'busy social life & activities' with her mum. She is there only child and her mother has never been with anyone else to our knowledge. I used to spoil her rotten when she was younger but as she has grown up I don't seem to get any love or affection in return and have recently realised i Don't love her at all. I don't have no children of my own and don't know what it's like to love a child. I dread her coming to stay, she gives me dirty looks, ignores what I say, if I say no dad says yes! She only gives me a kiss goodbye or goodnight when her dad tells her too. If she sees us sharing any affection she will get her dads attention or just move right between the 2 of us.
my brother has alot of patience with her considering what he could be like. They have a brother/sister relationship.
I know this is only going to get worse and I can't bear the thought of having my own kids. All of my partners siblings have their own children even his little sister at 19! My SD is very bossy and motherly to her cousins especially the babies which I can't bear to watch, i don't agree at her age she should be carrying them around like dolls and making there bottles etc. if I had a child I would be able to put up with that. If I was holding my 15 month old nephew and he started to cry my SD would take him away and think she knows better.
I feel bad for my husband because he Iain the middle but when we have tried to talk about this it just turns into an argument.
What else can I do????????
Stop feeling bad for your
Stop feeling bad for your husband, he's not in the middle, he's creating the situation.
You say no and he says yes? That's disrespectful. You guys need to be on the same page parenting or you need to let him parent by himself. He's creating a mini-wife - she gets what she wants, dad gives her what she wants and she's not required to listen to or respect you.
I would Seriously consider before you have children with this man. Is he going to ignore you when you tell your own kids no and give in to them anyway? Is he going to stand up for you when you tell SD to butt out when you're parenting your kid? Or is it all going to become a giant argument?
I would suggest you and your DH need to seek out some couples therapy. He is undermining you with his daughter. Her behavior toward you is only going to get worse unless dad changes something. He needs to stop undermining you. If she tries to get between you and stop any displays of affection, she needs to be put in her place. She is being given power no child should have.
Again - your husband is Not in the middle, he is the cause. He needs to be the fix.
^^^^This exactly! I agree
^^^^This exactly! I agree 100% that this is your husband's issue and he needs to step up and be a parent to his kid and support you as his wife.
Good to "see" you again Aeron!
Aww thanks hon, it's good to
Aww thanks hon, it's good to 'see' you too! Things are just crazy busy lately.
I agree his parenting skills
I agree his parenting skills are very different to mine as I recognise we was brought up differently. After all the trauma iv been through I suffer severely with stress and anxiety and shout a lot. My husband and brother hate it and my husband says that's the reason why my SD don't want to be around me. he says I am jealous of her and I am the adult I should grow up.
She wrote online that she can't wait for daddy to take her horse riding and can't wait to see my daddy at the presentation but no mention of me which was really upsetting. Again he said I'm being stupid and why should she be allowed to say that
Yep, you guys need to get
Yep, you guys need to get some marriage counseling. You might want to get some counseling for yourself to help with the anxiety and the shouting.
That could contribute to her not wanting to be around you, but it doesn't explain all the behavior you talked about. My suggestion to to disengage. Stop doing for the kid, let her dad deal with it. If the kid has a need or a want, she needs to go to daddy with it. She wants an activity with dad - fine, don't bring it up to him or to her. Ignore it.
I would also try to (calmly) explain to him that you're not jealous, you want to be respected in your own home. Her shoving between you is disrespectful. Her not listening to what you tell her is disrespectful. Him telling her yes when you've told her no is disrespectful. Disengage. Stop giving them openings to disrespect you.
Then get into counseling. You may have a man that will never see it. Read the boards - there are a lot of them out there. And in that case you need to figure out what you can live with.
Part of this is likely that she's pre-teen, is starting to get hormonal and this is on the cusp of the hellion years. Part of it could be BM saying bad things about you. Part of this IS that dad is dis-crediting you as an authority figure.
Like I said, he's creating a mini-wife. He's setting her up as your equal, intentionally or not. This often happens because these men like the attention and adoration that a daughter gives. Sometimes they like the feeling of two 'women' competing for their time and attention. Either way, intentional or not, it's a Very unhealthy dynamic. It is also something that you can do nothing about. This one is All on dad. If he sees no problem, blames you, goes into denial, you're looking at a long and miserable relationship with this girl and eventually a lot of resentment and hostility toward both her and her father.
Firstly I think you do need
Firstly I think you do need to get some help with your anxiety. That will not only be affecting you, but certainly your husband, your brother and SD. Perhaps you could have a talk with your GP on that.
I agree that your husband is absolutley not helping here. If you say NO, then it should be NO. in undermining you he has set up a situation whereby his daughter thinks in her young mind, daddy doesn't like you, he likes her better, and therefore she's not going to like you if daddy doesn't.
You are the adult, you should grow up. I swear there is a book out there for dads who have no clue on how to parent and that is answer no: 1 to wife when your child is a brat.
Both of you really do need to be on the same page here. You should be able to discuss this without arguing, but unfortunately if you have one of thes DH's who think his Princess can do no wrong, and is instantly defensive, you will never be able to do that. Perhaps the suggesting of counselling is one you could look at. Even if you have to go on your own.
I have already had CBT
I have already had CBT Therepy but the first week I broke my toe and then I had trouble at work and then I found out I had skin cancer on the 4th session so my therapist said there's no room for improvement why all this is going on and stopped my Therepy for the mean time. This as about 6 months ago. I Am currently having drug counselling too as I only found out 2 weeks aGo he has been a casual user of cocaine for the whole 8 years I have been with him and I didn't know. It has destroyed me as I look upon that as one of the most disgusting things in life.
We are very on edge right now. With the drug issue and his daughter I can't see no light at the end of the tunnel and I have been keeping my guard up and preparing for the worst.
He is generally a very loving husband showing lots of affection which he would like in return but I am always to preoccupied to give it. I try not to show my stress and anxiety when they are around but it's very hard.
SD problems started before all this tho. I don't think BM is very nasty towards me. She was at the beginning resenting me coz he left her for me but after 8 years I think she realises we are serious and its not just his rebound relationship. She does however talk a lot to my sister in laws still. That's how my SD spends time with her cousins when she isn't with us. We had a huge argument about 4 months ago with DH brother and partner and haven't spoke to them since. I don't intend to ever again. But BM was seen talking to bitchy sister in laws at my father in laws 50th and was heard slagging me off so I know she is in with all them and with SD being so nosey she has properly heard them all talking about me saying bad which don't help. His family are jealous coz we got all. Nice house 2 cars 2 jobs married with no kids of our own. They are live in council houses with 2 kids each only 1 working ect
What do I say or how do I
What do I say or how do I approach my husband about setting these boundaries with her ??
I completely 100% agree with
I completely 100% agree with you about not letting children 'play dollie" with real babies. Ky husbands family is much like your dhs..... Where the children are allowed free access the the babies in this way. I have been extremely firm with both my babies and have not allowed it. Neither the older cousin, nor my skids (9 and 11 yrs) are allowed to carry my babies, feed them, or dress them. My babies are too precious to me....not about to risk brain damage if some kid drops my baby while playing mommy.
My skids are allowed to sit on the couch with baby on lap while I supervise, thats it. Dh doesn't like it, but he does respect it.
I guess i will have to tackle
I guess i will have to tackle this when the time comes, if we make it that far! lol
yea it does seem to be since
yea it does seem to be since the whole marriage thing came about. on the outside she seemed pretty excited but we dont know how it has affected her mantally.
i am not sure what BM reaction was but she seemed to be ok towards us. She actullay added me on facebook about 3 days before the wedding. i wasnt going to accept but my SD said to me
"my mum added u on FB, she wasnt sure weather to incase it might upset you but i said i am sure you dont mind"
So because i wanted to set a good example to her and not show no amnosity, i accepted. we dont talk on there and my information is limited but its just really so she can tag photos of SD and i can show her dad coz he doesnt have FB!
I may sound like a physco but i am not always scremaing and shouting and i try my best to keep it to a minimum, especially when she is around. i never scream and shout at her and if i ever tell her off or correct her it is always in a calm manor and i give an explanation why!
he does say i have changed from the person he met, but considering the trauma i have been through i dont think i could have stayed the same person. and its only the last few days i realise i havent had time to find myself as an adult or do any greaving for the family members i have lost!
i think i have more long term personality chaging to do then he does by just changing some of the things he does and i hope he will start to workj on these soon so i can too. after speaking to the national parental helpline today i may ask for some family mediation to help with this situation as we have used them before for behavioral issues when my brother was younger and found them useful.
first things we defiantly need to be on the same parenting leval and i will talk to him about underminging me infront of the kids.
obwards and upwards i hope!
Just picked up on something
Just picked up on something you wrote in your post above, which you may not have meant but just in case I wanted to comment on it.
You Said: I think i have more long term personality chaging to do then he does by just changing some of the things he does and i hope he will start to workj on these soon so i can too.
That reads as if you need him to start changing before you can start changing yourself.
NO, you don't, you can only work on yourself, and you do not need him or anyone else to do it first. Sure if you can both work on it together that would be great, but even then you will both be at different levels no doubt throughout the process which is normal. But please, concentrate on YOU.
I hope the National Parental Helpline can help both of you find a starting point.
Em I can see how it comes
Em I can see how it comes across.
His problems are actions he needs to stop doing!
My problems are physiological so I will need to re train the way I think coz I got my self in such a state with the stress and anxiety. At least I can recognise these issues to that's a start.
Doesn't matter what his
Doesn't matter what his problems are Rachael, they are his to fix in his own time if he wishes to. You just need to get started on you. You do not need to wait for him to start working on his.
In the process of fixing yourself you will hopefully come to a place where you will either be strong enough to live with this or strong enough to leave it. But you will have enough self respect to stand up for yourself and enough confidence to make your life what you want it to be.
His doing drugs beind your back, that is a major problem and has to be causing him mental health issues. Just for the moment, put his problems aside and work on yours. Then see how you feel about things when you are in a better place.
I'm sorry, I'm still trying
I'm sorry, I'm still trying to get past the whole him using cocaine and you not knowing about it...
You definitely need to seek counseling for yourself. Family therapy might certainly be useful. But again, to me from the outside, very narrow look I'm getting, Your husband needs to get his shit together.
He's discrediting you in your house. He's lying to you and hiding illegal drug use from you.
This guy is disrespecting you 6 ways from Sunday and you're worried about your SD rejecting you?
It also sounds like he left his ex for you? I don't know how that really translates, but if he cheated on her with you, I'd be concerned about him pulling the same stunt since "you've become a different person".
Kids pick up on things and my bet is that your SD is picking up on the fact that her father doesn't respect you, her mother doesn't respect you and it sounds like the extended family doesn't really respect you either. Whether you've changed or not, your husband needs to be Helping you, not undermining you. You two need some help.
I would tell him you want to work on the family dynamic and ask him to start going to marriage counseling with you followed by family therapy later. That's if you want to continue this relationship, cause personally, lying to me about illegal drug use would be a Huge hurdle to get over for me. Maybe you've changed, but IMO, he never told you who he really was to being with...
Tried to have the
Tried to have the conversation this evening but DH said he will always choose SD over me coz she is flesh and blood and I'm an adult I should know better!
Looks like a losing battle! :O
Nailed it in one coconut.
Nailed it in one coconut.