SD keeps taking my place at events (literally)
Hi, so I just wanted to get a little input regarding what to do about this situation, (if anything). Background, SD(15) and I are totally disengaged with each other. I stopped saying hi when her response went from her usual growl to silence lol If she asks for something, I do respond (pleasantly enough) but that is it.
A few months ago, I started noticing that instead of staying in her cave when family would visit, she started coming out and socializing. However, she started hurling insults at me in a passive aggressive manner and I refuse to engage with a 15 year old pwincess when my time should be enjoying company. Anywho, I decided to start avoiding her when people came by to avoid the conflict.
So onto my current problem, whenever I get up from my seat, she practically runs to take it. Whether it's the couch, the table or the patio. Every. Single. Time. And this is not just to sit next to DH, it's wherever I'm sitting. So I have to go back a minute later and pick up my phone, drink or even plate of food. I'm not sure the reason why, (nor do I really care if I'm being honest), but it's either to get on my nerves or to somehow demonstrate dominance?
Has anyone else experienced this? What is the correct way to approach this? Do I continue to ignore it so there's no reaction or address it head on? Please help and thanks!
Personally, I would tell her
Personally, I would tell her to move. And, if your husband is there, he should not even allow her to do this - he should tell her not to sit there so you do not have to tell her to move.
This is what I was thinking
This is what I was thinking too but I think we're both trying to avoid the inevitable scene that she will make in front of the family. We try to save them from having to feel uncomfortable as well. This is not the kind of girl who will just get uncomfortable and slither away. She will make a scene.
Call her scene-bluff
Its like the kids who scream when in the store with their parents - they make a scene because they know the parents wont do anything to them in public. My mother had no such qualms.
Time to nip that in the bud. Yes, she is testing boundaries, pushing them, and GETTING AWAY WITH IT. Your DH must step up and say something. If she makes a scene, so be it, warn folks ahead of time. She needs to be embarrased and if standing up to her is embarrasing enough she wont do it anymore.
But when she takes your space, absolutely ask for it back, say, "hey I was sitting there." Ive had to do this with Munchkin SD13 a few times. I am the Queen of my castle and make sure that everyone knows it.
YOU are the Queen of Your castle. Precious Princess needs to know and understand this.
Why do you continually acquiese to her? Her non-acknowledgment and silent treatment of you should absolutely NOT be tolerated. Thats NOt what disengagement is about. Disengagment is when she asks for things from you, you kindly refer her to her father, no matter what. Disengagment is treating her like a roomate, and roomates are required to conduct themselves with basic respect to each other.
You are absolutely correct.
You are absolutely correct. She is constantly testing and pushing boundaries and getting away with it. Next time, I'm going to have a conversation with him before everyone comes over and require him to call her out. I can definitely ask for my seat back as well.
So the second part, he used to tell her, hey, say hi! And she would give a little hi growl and not say anything when she was on her own. I just grew tired of forcing it and my husband is too lazy to follow up with her.
Honestly, I would rather not have to force it either. Since he has not been consistent, anything that she is confronted about turns into a huge drama that I'm not willing to engage in. Yes, I love my husband but it is all his fault for being a lazy ass and catering to the little monster.
Yes DH issue
So - have you had any heart-to-hearts about this with DH? Like some REALLY hardcore ones?
Is he Disney dad? Guilty dad? Is that why he is enabling?
YES!!!!!!!! So a little more
YES!!!!!!!! So a little more background, his first wife died 5 years ago. While I AM sympathetic, my sympathy is running low. He is both a disney and guilty dad. Whenever I "force" him to have a discussion with his "wife" (sd), it turns into a huge blowout, she doesn't speak to him for weeks and although he doesn't say it, he blames me. It's exhausting.
Yeah, ok I remember now
Well, you are the only "mother figure" she has, and shes sounding like shes rejecting you, so now Guilty Dadee has to be both mother and father.
Has he ever wanted to try counseling to deal with her emotions better? Family counseling? Or will it be busines as usual until 18 and she decides not to launch and you must support her because poor her????
Yes, and that's fine but he
Yes, and that's fine but he does try to be both but he over nurtures and enables her. If I dare to say anything, think Cinderella lol so I do try to tread carefully.
He has, she will sit and refuse to say a word. He and I have gone on our own as well and he will be a yes man during the sessions but will not do what he promises to do.
I think how things are currently are working for him just fine. As long as the confrontation part is swept under the rug. The way that she acts, you would think that it was her who supports me lol
Whenever I "force" him to have a discussion with his "wife"..
" Whenever I "force" him to have a discussion with his "wife" (sd), it turns into a huge blowout, she doesn't speak to him for weeks and although he doesn't say it, he blames me. "
What is it with these men? I don't get it!! My step-kids treat my husband like crap but yet if they ask for something he is right there. He will never say no or hold them accountable for anything. He is so afraid they will get mad and not talk to him. Which is why they are 20 something year old teenagers!!! Makes me sick!! Sorry to tell you that it only gets worse. What you are seeing now will only continue I am afraid. I never thought we would be where we are so many years later. My SS 30 just got a 100 dollar hand out this morning... and my SD just left with 50 now AND more importantly a bottle of hand sanitizer. One she did not even ask for because I do not think she is too clean she is always sick. My DH just thought she should use it ... MAKES ME SICK!!!! And hey I bought that hand santizer!!!!
So sorry!! Do your best to nip it now!!!
He will never say no or hold
He will never say no or hold them accountable for anything. He is so afraid they will get mad and not talk to him.
This. It is so incredibly frustrating. I tell him that just because he is deaf, dumb and blind when it comes to his kids.
Hand sanitizer and TP is like gold around here lol
I feel for you, I can't even imagine what these kids will be like in their 20s. Sometimes it's like watching a scary movie, there are those who watch the scary parts even though you don't want to and there are those (like me) who just cover their eyes haha
I ususally just run for cover in my room
EXACTLY!!!
"Hand sanitizer and TP is like gold around here lol"
Exactly and let's also point out that he didn't go to 10 different stores to get it either. AND also said I was getting crazy over this. Yes, me and the rest of the world. Then to add to it I hear him telling SD my words about the virus like they are his. The words he told me were crazy!!
I like your movie analogy. Very true and that is what many of us do on here. I am pushing 20 years of this and it only gets worse. I kind of covered my eyes about the kids in the beginning but I didn't do that long with BM. She is definitely most of the problem or was in the beginning. I thought the steps would change with our influence and when they got older. Nope it got worse!! As of now they have both moved back with BM. They are almost both 30 and going in the wrong direction.
Do your best to uncover your eyes as much as you can or you will be watching this bad movie for the rest of your life!!! Granted your efforts will probably be ignored by your DH but maybe not it is worth a try.
^^^THIS^^^
Stop rewarding bad behavior. Tell her to get out of your seat, and let her show her a$$ in front of everyone.
"I am the queen of my castle
"I am the queen of my castle and I make sure everybody knows it!"
I LOVE this! haha hell yeah.
When you come back and see
When you come back and see her in your seat... say "thanks for saving your seat!"
it will put her on the spot where she knows she will look like the bad guy if she does not get up and give you your seat back.
That's actually a great idea
That's actually a great idea lol
Let her make a scene. She
Let her make a scene. She more than likely knows that both you and your DH are in fear of her doing so--making a scene--so that is what she does or threatens to do to control both of you. And, it is working for her. I can tell you right now, if you are a SM, you need to get used to drama and most importantly, kids and other bios using drama to control and manipulate. If neither of you can call her out on inappropriate behavior out of fear of drama, then you both might as well give her the keys to the home and start calling her mommy. DH is the parent, you are a wife, DH's wife, and she is a child of DH's. But, it appears DH has little problem treating her more like a wife and you more like a child. The big question now is what are YOU going to do about that?
If neither of you can call
If neither of you can call her out on inappropriate behavior out of fear of drama, then you both might as well give her the keys to the home and start calling her mommy.
THIS is the best and I am so saying this to DH today!!!! hahahaha You are so right though, it's her defense mechanism, when things go wrong, just scream like a banshee and everyone leaves me alone. The problem with him treating her more like a wife and me as a child is ongoing. I have gotten to the point to where instead of saying your daughter, I just.say your wife. He hates it. 351 conversations later, I still don't know what to do about it. But that is the right question.
shock therapy
A clicker, for every time he does something that goes against what you agreed upon?
Like in potty training a dog, praise for positive behavior (DH), and make some harsh noies that are REALLy irritating when he caters to mini-wife.
With hold sex...
Howl like a banshee like she does...
Let her make a scene, it's
Let her make a scene, it's family after all, let them see what she's really like. Lord Spawn put on such a show for my family they never saw the real her or how she really treated me. She screwed up one time and didn't know DH was home and DH finally got to see how she really treated me. After that he believed me when I told him how she really acted when he wasn't around.
That's a great point, there
That's a great point, there have been so many times where I wish I could have recorded something because it just sounds like I'm being dramatic when I say it out loud. I keep telling him after these events but somehow he magically forgets about it when there's another event and never sees anything.
Oh, I would most certainly
whenever I get up from my seat, she practically runs to take it.
Oh, I would most certainly not ignore this.
Same, I also lean towards
Same, I also lean towards dominance and it IS so creepy. And thank YOU! It DOES make them look like stalkers! Who watches for people to get up so that they can take their place. I always say, I cannot even imagine being that age and paying so much attention to my parents (parent's spouses), I was so wrapped up in my own life.
A Scottish expression to use
A Scottish expression to use when someone pinches your seat:
"Would you jump into my grave as fast?"
Ridiculous
SD still complains 10 years after a funeral that I sat in the front with my DH when we were driving. She was 50 at the time. Apparently I was suppose to sit in the back and did not know it. Now she doesn't call or visit since she was told there was no more money. Her mom passed when she was in her mid-40's (parents were still married) and she has acted like the wife ever since. She even told DH she was now the family matriarch. Your SD behavior will continue until it is stopped by your DH or by you if needed.
Only because your DH is an
Only because your DH is an idiot and you tolerate it.