Sad
I have a DD7 - her dad and I got divorced. He was abusive, manipulative, and controlling. I left before DD's first birthday. Anyone that has been through a divorce knows how hard it can be...and I'm not talking about the obvious parts. I'm talking about the friendships that go down with it. I was young, so a lot of my friends didn't know how to deal so they just left. I never really told anyone how bad things were when we were married. I thought that I could "fix" it somehow and I was ashamed, so I just didn't talk about it. When I left, a lot of people judged, because I was breaking up a "perfectly healthy" marriage (insert eye roll). Little did they know, he had pushed me out of a moving vehicle when I was pregnant, pushed me into a fireplace when he found out I was having a girl, and the night before I left he had gotten so drunk and threatened to kill me and my daughter. All the while, cheating on me every chance he could get, Alas, I didn't tell anyone, so I just let them judge me and leave. I was in the "I don't want to be around these people if this is really what they think of me" mantra. Before I knew it, my ex started spreading rumors about me and I was left with no one except one really close friend and my family. My family was there for about a year of the separation, then they "got tired of hearing about it". I understood, so I tried not to talk about my life very often (because this was my every day at one point...you know how it goes. I've dealt with my daughter coming home clearly neglected. I've dealt with my ex refusing to bring my baby home. I've dealt with my ex stalking and breaking into my home, cyberstalking, continuous suing for custody, you name it.) Even while all of this was going down, my one friend and my family were still there for me, right? Well...only if I would do for them first. Imagine a single mom struggling to meet ends meet, only getting the "how are you" texts, that was cut short because they needed something. "Hey, can you help me find a job?" "Hey, can you babysit since you don't have your daughter...or because you have your daughter" "Hey, can you help me pass this test" "Hey can you get these certain gifts for your nieces/nephews? You don't buy them much anymore, so you kinda owe them" "Hey we're planning a birthday party for your nephew around the same age as your daughter, on a weekend you don't have her. Can you come and bring x, y, and z, and help set up and clean up?" etc. etc. I dealt with it all. Fast forward through the years of abuse, to my DH and I deciding to get married. Happy news, let me share it with the friends and fam! Well, shouldn't have done that...DH comes with 2 kids that they can't love because they're not blood. I FUCKING LOST IT. All of the years of thinking that I had too much baggage for a person to handle, and then this?!
So now I've lost everyone, but have my DH, DD, and SKids. Things are great for about a year...then SD8 starts acting out, lying, cheating, stealing, and pissing and shitting in her pants. Cue the, "let's figure this out and get her help" mantra. Well. that didn't work (read other blog posts for details)
Now I'm just lost. I hold it together at work and for my daughter, and then lose it in the car and shower. I know I'm not innocent in all of this, as I'm the only constant in all of these scenarios. I'm just not sure how to break the cycle (and yes I'm in therapy). Talking to loved ones has gotten me in trouble, avoiding talking about the heavy stuff has gotten me in trouble, now straight distance is getting me in trouble. So I ask you this: How does a 30-something year old find the strength to deal with a second failing marriage, without friends or loved ones? I'm so tired of trying, only to have it blow up in my face.
I have no advice for you as I
I have no advice for you as I am dealing with my own miserable second marriage and blended family. I just wanted to say I am so sorry you have gone through all of this. Stay strong and take care of yourself and your child!!
Thank you, you too <3
Thank you, you too <3
I wrote in your first blog
From a lot of months ago.
And JUSt saw this one. Sending you a virtual digital hug...Im so sorry. I was wondering how things would play out. Can you update us if its not too emotionally traumatizing for you to do?
You are not alone - you have us step-aside step parents here.
Is there a mom-group you can join? I know that online only carries you so far. How about a "skids that sh!t" group. Haha.
You definitely are caught in a negative feedback loop. I am as well, so it is easy to recognize.
Well, we are here. I dont have any answers. When I was getting out of a toxic relationship, I was also very isolated. I live in a small town and it was to the point where all my friends were also his friends. I went out. I did things. I had a lot of time as I was unemployed, but I volunteered. I volunteered for EVERYTHING. Through my volunteer work I came to understand that I had in fact created my own isolation.
if you were to volunteer, you can take your DD, and teach her the value of being of Service. Join a church group if thats your thing. There has to be some organzations that put on events.
Because your friends and family did not value you, that doesnt mean that you have no value. Its up to you to get back to that strong person who was strong enough to leave an abusive-but-on-the-surface perfect marriage. That takes a lot of strength, especially as you did it pretty much alone. As we all do. People like to victim-shame.
Keep posting - it defintely helps. I was at a low point when Feral Forger SDnow20 was treating me and DH and everyone badly. I received a LOT of great advice and even greater support.
Thank you <3
Things are just about the same. We have cameras on every floor of our house, just so DH has proof that I'm not making this stuff up. DH finally took her for another round of testing and their opinion matches every other doctor/therapist that we've seen. All of this is behavioral/mental. She trained her brain to ignore the sensation of having to go, from neglecting it. We are re-potty training her again, for the 100th time at this point. The school is ignoring the issue, even though she is dirty almost every day. We can't get anyone to listen to just how bad things are - they keep saying she is too young? Whatever that means. I'm hanging by a thread. Every time we take a step forward, we got 100 steps back, as soon as she has contact with BM. BM keeps saying everything is perfect when she has SD8, but we know she is lying. She barely comes around anymore, even when we ask her to because SD8 is devastated. This is another trigger for SD8. We are trying everything we can, but it's a neverending battle.
I volunteer as a coach for our local athletic association and I just try and keep my DD7 and SS7 out of the house, as much as possible. While it makes things easier for the three of us, it's hurting my marriage. I just don't know what to do anymore. Everyone says to leave, but I love my DH. I understand how frustrated he is because I am too. Unfortunately, doing nothing isn't an option...and that's where we butt heads.
I'm at the point where I feel like I'm better off shutting everyone out. Why should I drag them through my mess? I'm definitely isolating myself at this point. If history has taught me anything it is that they will have enough of me and my baggage soon enough. I don't want to annoy anyone else, but I also don't want to be used. I feel like friends should be able to vent, laugh, cry, lean on the other. I seem to keep finding the one-sided version where I'm not supposed to talk about my feelings.
I'm sorry you can relate to all of this so much. I appreciate you reaching out. Sending virtual hugs back.
huge huge hugs!
huge huge hugs!
I lost all and I mean ALL of my friends in my divorce.....super close friends of over 10 years...GONE in an instant.
I haven't had the will or time or whatever excuse I want to make to make new friends....but I know it can be done. I am someone who spent my entire life until the divorce always having 1-2 BFF's and a very large circle of close friends........now I have ZERO. Besides people at work....I haven't a friend in the world.
Hang in there!!
Hugs back!
Want to be virtual friends? haha. I'm sorry this is so relatable! Hugs back <3
I grew up in a small town,
I grew up in a small town, and had the same best friend from 10 yo until college. It was only when I moved back home and we decided to live together that I got the full monty on the person she'd become: a promiscuous, controlling, user. The friendship ended.
My next best friend was a true and wonderful sister of my heart. We had many adventures together and supported each other for 29 years until breast cancer killed her.
I've learned that the only person who will ever always be there for you is you, so it's critical that you always nurture that relationship. Love you, and be your own best friend. People come in and out of our lives as we relocate, change jobs, grow and change. As someone who has relocated several times, I've learned to approach making friends as one would any other task: develop a plan of action, make a list of clubs and activities, and get busy. Be choosy, and only associate with people of good character. Be open, make contacts, volunteer, and network like crazy.
Look, you come from dysfunction, so it's not surprising you married it. Your family sounds pretty awful, but that doesn't have to be YOU. Keep working on yourself, and know that YOU DESERVE GOOD THINGS. My DH and I are both outliers in our respective families. We both grew up with dysfunction, and worked out way out of it one day, one choice at a time. Yes, we made mistakes and there were setbacks, but we each knew we wanted something healthier and different so we kept moving in that direction.
Keep working in therapy to improve your self esteem and change the engrained patterns from your childhood. Find reasons to get out of the house (which sounds depressing) and expose your daughter to positive, educational things. You'll get stronger and healthier, and maintain a better perspective that way. Build a life for yourself outside your marriage, and it will be there for you when you decide to move on.
^^^THIS!!^^^
Exjulie, this Is 'golden' advice. It would be interesting to have a poll and ask how many of us were raised in a dysfunctional household. I found out through therapy that because of this, we gravitate toward people we are 'comfortable' with even though it may not be the best choice for us. Sometimes we choose a partner with similar characteristics to one of our parents and use him or her to resolve issues we had with that parent.
We all just want to be appreciated and loved, but again, due to our upbringing, setting boundaries is not a familiar or 'safe' thing to us, nor is being a good judge of character.
I whole-heartedly agree with you, "Keep working in therapy to improve your self esteem and change the engrained patterns from your childhood." "You'll get stronger and healthier, and maintain a better perspective that way."
I think that the main issue
I think that the main issue you are dealing with is a penchant for tolerating low class users who take advantage of you. Family included.
I forecast that once you end this crappy marriage and actually move on while focusing on your own life and raising your daughter to viable adulthood that your life will turn out to be quite incredible. Stay in therapy, focus on your professional development and advancing your education and training. Put yourself in professional environments where you are surrounded by high performing quality people and build a network of friends who will be additive to your life rather than a drain. Use your recommitment to yourself and focusing on quality of life and improving yourself as the example you set for your daughter.
You are young and have your world and life ahead of you. Taking a do-over or two can be a great thing and considering the nature of your first marriage and husband and unfortuneately your second husband and marriage there is absolutely nothing wrong with moving on and changing your future.
Make a comitment to yourself and learn to identify the crappy characteristics that are common in the people who have been a drain on your life. Do not engage in any way with people like that including family. You don't owe any of them a thing.
Live a great life for you. After all, living well is the best revenge.
Take care of you.