Question on Gifting
Is it strange that my MIL frequently buys her son expensive shirts? Not just one, but 6 at a time? I thought this was nice the first time it happened, but I'm finding the unbalanced approach to gifting (not a birthday or holiday) a bit odd. Yes, I can absolutely afford my own clothing but the imbalance and exclusion still stings. Also, no, my husband does not need shirts! (And he can afford to buy his own.) Anyone else experience anything similar?
My family used to do this to my ex at holidays; he told me it was hurtful and I understood and agreed. So I had a conversation with my mom and asked her to please even things out by giving me less. I have never forgotten this, so when gifting my adult kids and their SOs, I try to be balanced. I enjoy gifting and I would not want to knowingly exclude anyone or hurt their feelings.
Thoughts?
I would tend to feel I was
I would tend to feel I was purposely being ignored/left out--that the one person-focused gifting was purposely done to hurt the person being left out--if this occurred during the holidays. Does she include you in holiday giving? Otherwise, I think there could be other, more innocent, reasons, including plain old not paying attention (which I have been guilty of at times), and/or in this case perhaps a bit of obsession. It could be that MIL feels good buying her boy nice shirts and it's done solely to make herself feel better with no other thought.
You have mentioned issues with his family. Do you think she is doing this as an FU to you? Is it a way to get the point across that SHE is of superior importance to him? What does your DH think? If there is suspicion that she does this out of spite or to be a jerk, he might want to confront her (if he's up to that). Otherwise, I'd roll my eyes. If he has too many nice shirts, you can always sell them on Poshmark. lol.
Hmmm….
Yes, she does include me in holiday gifting, although I have noticed the 'couple' gifts are oriented to his wish list. Maybe because I don't give her a wish list!
I think you might have something with 'obsession'. Remember all the shirts? She tried to choose what shirt he wore to our wedding! Our first Christmas together she came over and decorated our house when I was working. When he was a teenager, she told him he was 'the man of the house'. I thought that odd. I think she overly depends on him, instead of her husband. For example, she'll call to tell him she's constipated, or call in the middle of the night to ask if she should call the ambulance because she's anxious (while her husband is sleeping in bed next to her). She didn't make it easy on him when he told her he needed all access (keys, remotes, etc.) to our home returned either.
Yes, there are issues with his family. Aside from the obvious ones with OSD, there is definitely denial/avoidance of any issues or anything deemed unpleasant, over sharing by repeating news to all (nothing is private), and exclusion if one is not 'in family'. I'm not sure if it's a FU to me or not? I have never mentioned it to him. As I'm thinking this through, the giving may be a form of control.
I'm still working on being 'unbothered' by the way they function; they are not willing to discuss any issues, etc. so are very unlikely to change. It's up to me to change my reaction.
Yea, sounds like she views
Yea, sounds like she views him as a mini-husband. I think that's the source of the shirt-buying. And you'd sort of be the other woman, you know. I can see why this would bother you (esp middle of the night calls about constipation, for God's sake) but if you can't change it perhaps you can find a way to laugh at it. . . or emotionally detach. Easier said than done.
Sometimes…
...I wonder how my DH is so normal? And kind! And giving! If he brings up "Mom", I give a brief response, smile sweetly, and change the topic of conversation. More bees with honey mindset. You are right, Mia, laughing is better than crying! And, yes, I have pretty much disengaged; I hadn't seen her for about 8 months. That works for me.
Also…
...I forgot to add that there is nothing more alluring than constipation! Haha!!!
My guess
My guess is she's kind of an oblivious person buying things for a beloved son I know you've had issues with her so it's possible she's doing it intentionally. I'm sure you're wary of her intentions.
I, too, give equally. Each "child" (now in their 50s and 60s) gets the same. Nowadays, I give cash but back in the day, presents went equally, whether to kid, inlaw or grandchild. Parity is my stepparent religion.
Hmmm….
She may be oblivious. If it was my mom, I'd just ask. Problem solved. Easy peasy!
I like that you recognize that equality is important, because it is. You are right, especially in step life! I have always attempted to make things fair and equitable if I am able to do so. As far as gifting goes, it's pretty easy to do so.
My in-laws
were like this. I remember one time when my FIL bought my ex a shotgun - god knows why, as neither of them have ever hunted anything, but whatever - my "big gift" was the exact amount of the gun, right down to the literal penny! My ex pouted about it later because he didn't want the damn gun in the first place and there I was with a pile of cash! It was kinda funny.
!
That's pretty funny! Did your ex sell the gun for a pile of cash?
My ex in laws really liked me and we used to get along really well. (Sadly divorce changed things.) Lovely extended family too, I still keep in contact with some of them. MIL was a stickler for fairness. At Christmas she'd give clues and send the kids on treasure hunts for their gifts. After opening the gifts, she would go around with an envelope of money and count out any difference...to the penny...to each kid. That part was a bit over the top, but the kids liked money, whether a large or small amount.
Some people
Just enjoy shopping. And buying gifts.
Hmmm….
Yes, that could very well be the case, Harry!
Man card burning admission.
I have been watching a lot of Reels and Clips for the past couple of months. The number of stories, likely AI generated of course, that cover incidents of MOGs who do crazy shit at weddings, demonizing their son's mate, and getting way Oedipus complex-ie with their sons is incredible. MOGs claiming the wedding day as "my day too!", etc...
Also some stories about brides who are shunned primarily by their MILs while their husbands brother's wives are embraced. FILs are spineless wastrels who won't keep their idiot toxic spouse in line and these women sadl have husbands who sniff mommy's butt rather than manning up as a husband themselves.
Too many end up in the wife kicking their mommy butt sniffing non-men to the curb rather than their husbands putting mommy firmly in her place. Or worse, not kicking the non-man mommy worshiping dipshit to the curb as the idiot mommy spawn keeps worshiping mommy.
My parents are extremely close to my bride. She is arguably their single favorite person. Don't get me wrong. They love their boys, they love their GKs. They also care very much for my SIL but... my bride is their person. They take her on vacations, they go hiking together, etc... She has built a wonderful relationship with my mom and dad because she engages with them on multiple levels.
In part their closeness has been due to extended periods where she was with them while I was in a new international work location getting set up and her visas and residence permits issued, etc... This could take weeks.
So, the three of them have done major RV trips together, she and mom have done huge quilting and craft projects together, and she and dad gave each other rations of shit as they bantered and fenced mentally. Both are incredibly intelligent and enjoy each other's minds.
When it comes to my IL clan, my bride is the "black sheep" outcast and I am the idiot city SIL/BIL who just does not understand the rural agricultural mindset. Reality is that my bride is the only one in her own family who is a fully viable and successful adult. DW is the eldest of 4. Her mom and dad married when she was 2mos old. MIL's first DH was killed in a car accident a few days before MIL found out she was pregnant with my DW. FIL was a long time family friend whose parents were very good friends of MIL's parents. MIL and her sisters were raised with my FIL. FIL was there when MIL repatriated to the US after her first DH was killed on active duty while they were stationed overseas. He was at the hospital when DW was born. Interestingly, FIL and my DW were each other's person. Even my MIL and her three younger sibs recognize that DW and FIL had the closest bond in the entire family. The discounting of DW and unfounded superiority complex issues that my IL clan perpetrates have always infuriated me.
DW had my SS at 16yo but refused to leave HS for the pregnant girl GED program. Graduated with honors with a baby on her hip at 17 and then left SpermLand for university out of State.
She went on to a dual major undergrad with honors, an MBA with honors, and attain her CPA followed by a very successful career. While her three younger sibs barely graduated HS. And I mean my the skin of their teeth.
As we navigated the path of integrating our marriage/family into my IL clan we had quite a bit of the familial rejection of me, and disrespect of my former teen mom wife. Neither of us tolerate any of that shit. We were front, center, and together.
None of her three younger sibs have done shit for anything with their lives. Interestingly, all of her sibs had OOWL pregnancies with their first child. SIL took a superior position with "well, I was not a teen when I got pregnant" which hurt my bride significantly. I immediately shredded SIL with "So, how is you being in your 20s and getting knocked up better than a 16yo getting pregnant? In your 20s you are long past old enough to know how this happens. Idiot!"
Everyone crawled under their holier than thou rock after that. For a while. Though invariably they will pull their shit again at some point.
For us it is not about fairness in gifting. It is about respectful and reasonable behavior.
I do not care if my own parents give me nothing while giving my incredible bride piles of treasures. That they love her, respect her, and enjoy their relationship together with her is the greatest gift that they could give to me.
My niece and nephews worship my bride and my SS. That too is an incredible gift for me.
That her own family would be disrespectful to my bride I will not tolerate. Never have, never will.
!
Wow, Rags, you have lived an interesting life. I enjoy reading your history. It warms my heart that your family has embraced your wife. That's the way it should be...family, whether by birth or marriage.
My MIL does not do anything obvious like you mentioned, it is more the quiet "tsk tsking" if that makes sense. I don't believe I fit her 'mold' of trust fund and 'marry for money'. Instead, I am a career woman who makes her own money. My DH values my intelligence, but I don't believe she appreciates that I think for myself and use my voice. I think it was all over for me when she found out I wasn't biddable and wouldn't step in line with the nonsense.
I realized today that instead of a daughter vying to be a 'mini wife', she may be a mom vying for 'mommy wife'. Is there even such a thing? She had my DH to herself for 20 years before I came along. Even though she drives and has a husband, he would take her to run her errands weekly. After we married, she would want to come with us; I bowed out of that, telling him to just enjoy the time with his mother. (Strategic move.) "One stop" would turn into seven and they would be gone a few hours. That quickly ended. (Payoff: He missed me.) There have been big changes in her life since we've been married. Those changes are natural and normal, a man should put his wife first. So...that could be a reason to not like me.
I remember my DH telling me that her husband "likes you a little too much". I responded, "Why wouldn't he like me? I'm warm, kind, and pay attention to him." DH's mom is treated like the Queen Bee by the rest of the family, while they mostly ignore him. That could be another reason for her not to like me.
It's not really about the lack of giving to me, it is what it may represent. I had forgotten that a couple of weeks ago she did give me something. Two used and smelly items that were laundered twice and were still smelly. So, I guess there's that....
IMHO,
IMHO,
I agree with a lot of the assessments above.. I think MIL loves what she would like to consider her "mama's boy".. whether he actually "IS" that or not.
She gifts to you too.. and you admit you don't give her much idea of what you would prefer.. so she just goes on things she thinks her son might like.. and that maybe since you married him.. you might too? or that it would at least be useful in your house.
I put this in the category of something you need to not address and keep to yourself. Nothing good comes of it by trying to address it or change it. If he has too many shirts.. as someone mentioned.. sell some.. return them.. or he can donate his older ones.
As far as her not keeping gifts equal with a DIL.. and son.. he is her bio son.. it's her perogative to give more to him if she wants.. my parents gave more to us than spouses through the years.. I don't really see too much of an issue with that... assuming your family could do similar.. and some families are just different in the way they do gifts. My inlaws used to give each kid and spouse and grandchild an "equal" amount.. then they decided to cut out the adults.. shortly after I married their son.. so that was the end of presents.. haha...
Of course, my ingrained ettiquette won't let me completely ignore gifting TO them.. though I really want to stop.. Why do I bother sending them things for father's day.. mother's day.. christmas.. birthdays.. when they have pretty much not done much if at all for me? I don't know.. just keeping some karma peace I guess.. I mean.. if it were up to my DH.. they would probably not be "remembered" as much.. as he is terrible in the gift dept.
Hmmm….
You have many good points, ESMOD. Most importantly, I had no intention of bringing this up. It's 'shirt time' again so it was on my mind. MIL doesn't shop for the shirts, she has him choose them. They are expensive shirts! In the past, when giving, she has said, "Don't tell (her husband's name)." I find the secrecy odd. (When I first heard that, I told DH that secrecy would not work in our marriage and he agreed. I'm glad we are on the same page.) I just find the whole thing odd. Meanwhile his large closet is FULL of shirts and more are on the way! I did a quick count, he has way over 100! I stopped counting, I am guessing 150?
You are right, I do not give her ideas. It seems wrong to me to ask for things. (She could ask her son, he knows!) Instead of gifts, I would like to be treated as if I matter, not with disapproval because I am comfortable addressing issues and working to resolve them. Maybe this is a source of contention for her because her son has learned to communicate in a healthy way and address important issues. Issues that had always been swept under the rug. Communication and transparency are foreign to her.
It seems many women are tasked with gifting the in laws. Like you, I do the same! And wrap them up beautifully too! Inequality regarding 'mental load' is a popular topic on social media right now that I find very interesting....
TBH.. it sounds like your DH
TBH.. it sounds like your DH is a bit of the problem.. seems MIL can't help but get everythign he asks for.. probably did it his whole life. Maybe a gentle prod to him.. "you know your mom may not really be able to afford to buy all those shirts.. why not scale back your asks from her.. "
Absolutely agree…
...if this were the case! It would be a problem with me; adults should 'adult' in my opinion. I expect this of myself, I raised my kids to be self sufficient, and I could not be with a man who under functions. (I divorced my children's father.)
The shirt gifting is entirely her idea! She will give him the brochure and ask him to choose. She is wealthy. She is generous...to her own. As far as the secrecy, I don't know why that is? I think it's likely she and her husband are not very close. Why else would she call us in the middle of the night when he is sleeping next to her? It's odd. The more I think about it, it seems like it could be a control issue?