Question as a BM...
So, my XH and I share custody of my BD13 (I'm primary, he's joint conservator and she "lives" with me) but his "visitation" schedule has always been extremely flexible and we've "made it up as we go" simply because we (XH, DH, SM, and I) all get along really well and there are no major "issues" between us. Great for BD13 because she is free to go to "Dad's" when she wants (there is no "my weekend" or "his weekend" - just up to her where she wants to go "hang out") and there's no hassle or fighting. GREAT SITUATION except that recently, I had a family emergency and had to travel out of town for a week and a half. I took my younger two with me but BD had to stay here with her Dad and SM because of school. Aside from the fact that she was "Mom-sick" (missing me), she absolutely was miserable "living" at Dad's. SM has a very "active" 4 year old and SM and XH have an (uber precious) little baby boy together. BD13's 4 year old SB is just too much for her and I think he beyond aggravated her during her stay. She had little to no privacy (SB barges in her room or screams and shouts when she closes the door, etc.) and according to BD, SM doesn't really "enforce" any rules and lays down little to no punishment for his behavior. BD has a room at their house and decorated it with several prized cheerleading trophies that she (BD) earned and SB has broken many of them. She came home after her extended say and proclaimed "I'm never going over there again! I hate it there!" - I figured she was just "saying" this out of frustration and anger and I tried to "talk her through it" and explain he's just a baby, etc. and even told her to voice her concerns to her Dad and share her disappointment in their apparent lack of concern over her belongings, etc. She refused. Said she doesn't want to upset anyone or hurt anyone's feelings (this is code for 'Mom, you do it' - and I refused) and would just rather not ever go back. She hasn't been back to her Dad's since then and that was last month. They haven't pressured for her to come and I absolutely, positively, REFUSE to force her to go, but the time is going to come when either XH or SM asks ME if BD can/will come for a visit. What do I tell them? I'm not about to criticize anyone's parenting skills or tell someone how to raise their children, but I think it's something they should know about and I just have no idea how to help her make them aware of her feelings. I'm trying to objectively look at the situation and imagine my SD feeling this way about me and my BDs and telling her BM that and how I'd feel if BM suddenly told us something like this and I can honestly say I don't think there is any way that I'd like something like this handed to me!
Any ideas, suggestions, thoughts, tips, advice, whatever - is much much appreciated!
If you can - i would set up a
If you can - i would set up a meeting between you, BD & her father. I had to do this one time & although i didn't speak i was there for the support of my BD so she could open up to her father & share her feelings with him and not feel alone. I would talk to your BD first about this idea and see how she feels. It is not healthy for her to have these bad feelings and have this strain on her relationship with her father. Maybe you could help your BD with her wording? If this is a no go - maybe she could write him a letter?
I think this is a great
I think this is a great opportunity for your BD to learn about healthy relationships. When she has a serious BF or gets married, she's not going to just say "I'll go to my mom's house" when a problem comes up. If she learns now how to express her feelings and concerns, she'll learn how to communicate more effectively throughout her life with anyone she has to deal with. I think it is awesome that she was able to tell you what happened. Using "I" statements with dad would be good practice for her. I like the idea of you and dad and BD sitting down together so she can talk to dad about it. She can say, "When SB broke my trophies, it make me feel like my accomplishments were diminished." "When SB comes into my room, I feel trapped/frustrated." I think she knows that they don't want her to feel that way, which is why she is concerned about hurting their feelings, but I think phrasing it like this will help. Maybe she can come up with a few suggestions about how to help avoid feeling this way in the future, like suggesting that dad and SM help SB learn that her room is off limits. This isn't just about SM not parenting SB, but it is also about dad parenting BD.
Why would you refuse to make
Why would you refuse to make her go? I just am so alarmed by this trend on here in which parents will not enforce a childs time with the other parent (who wants to see them). Why does everyone think this is ok? If your dd gets mad at YOU and tells dad she's never going over to your house again-do you want him to say, "ok" and tell you "sorry but I'm not going to force her to go"? This is not how relationships work. At least not healthy ones. This is a child of divorce phenomenon. If my kids get mad at me they HAVE to work it out with me-they can't choose not to see me again.
A small child damaging her property is sooo not a reason to not see your parent any longer. It's life. I am sure everyone of my children have had something broken by one of their siblings. My kids are older now so it is not so much an issue, but when I had younger ones afoot-then absolutely I encouraged them to keep valuables on high shelves or put away. If I knew a younger one broke something I dealt with it. Does sm and dad even know about these broken items? Have you seen the broken items?
It sounds as if you have had a good situation here and your ex is a good father to your dd. Sounds as if he deserves your support-and if your dd is unwilling to share her feelings then yes I think you should tell him-it should not be a judgement about anyone's parenting as you dont know the full story of what happened-it should be you saying, "we have a problem-dd is saying she doesnt want to visit becoz she feels xyz-I think we need to talk to her"
I'm going to venture to say
I'm going to venture to say the reason I refuse to make her go to her Dad's house is because I (and all those crazy law making and enforcing judges in TX) agree that she is of an age to make that decision - she's almost 14 - and if she doesn't want to go why should I "make" her go? How's that healthy? Here, you have voiced your feelings about this but because I think you should do it, I'm going to make you do it? Sounds a bit oppressive if you ask me.
I stand by the fact that I will never, ever make her "go" if she doesn't want to. I won't, however, lie for her or let her hide behind me as her excuse not to go. I just wasn't sure how to approach the topic with XH and get her point across while still being sensitive to the fact that it's their home that she visits when she does go over there.
I agree with hisminandours,
I agree with hisminandours, she should not have the option of not seeing her dad just b/c she got her feelings hurt or something of her got broke and she refuses to talk to her dad about it.Just sad that you see it as her having that option.
When my kids were little my ds used to take my dd's toys and take them apart to see how they worked, I had to tell my dd to keep her stuff up. In an intact family one or some of the kids have no choice so why does she get that choice???
It's not just about "broken
It's not just about "broken things" - it's also about the fact that she has no privacy at all and spends most of her time with SM and not with her Dad (he works as a chef and is rarely home when she's there) so I think it's more that she's just fed up with the situation and rather than sit over there and be miserable she'd rather not go. I don't see how it would do any good to anyone to "make" her go but definitely agree that SHE needs to speak up. I'm still trying to think of an appropriate way to start a conversation with XH so HE can talk to BD about it all.
Let me clarify that I would never KEEP her from going or keep her from seeing her Dad but I'm not about to make her do something she doesn't want to do. If XH wants to see her and she isn't wanting to go to his house I don't understand why he can't arrange time with her on his own? Why does it have to be that BD must go to his house? That just doesn't click with me.