There have been several SMs on here recently saying the same thing - that they resent not being able to have the "firsts" with their husbands or SOs.  It seems odd that your SO is bringing it up for the first time after 7 years - maybe as marriage gets closer he's having cold feet.

I don't have issues with the "firsts."  I'm pregnant now and it's my first but my DH's third child.  I look at this as my DH's first *planned* child, and he has the good sense to act as though mine is the first and most important pregnancy ever.  

I think the two of you could benefit from counseling.

We see other people go through first in there life.  Brothers, sisters, friends.  When the person with kids try's to make it like there first marriage was nothing. It's hard to believe.  
That all the first like a big wedding they had meant nothing.  You can not have a big wedding because no one will pay for it and who is going to attend a second wedding. 

I don't understand the "firsts" things either.  I can see it when someone is dating a person with a child, but not after they've been with them for 7 years.  I didn't have children with DH but I don't think it would have bothered me. 

I think you should cut him loose, his ideas of what he wants have changed, it seems.

You said that he has brought this up before but it seems different now.  How long has it been this way?  You have every right to ask him to lay out exactly what he wants from you and to stop beating around the bush.  The bottom line is that you do have a first child and that is that.  No amount of wishing on his part will make that not so.  It has been 8 years since that child was born, you are a different person, and these circumstances will be completely different so if you do have a child together it will be unique to the two of you.  But he is going to have to decide whether that is going to be good enough for him or not.

Perhaps he is looking for a backdoor and this is his "reason" so that he can blame it on circumstance rather than cold feet or simply changing his mind about getting married.  There is nothing wrong with flat out asking him if that is the case.  Better to find out now.  But jerking you around and essentially shaming you by saying that the problem is the fact that you had the nerve to have a child before you met him - when he has known that for 7 years now - is a really crappy thing to do.

It might be a good idea to put wedding plans on hold for the moment, at least until this is sorted out. Because if he can't handle your situation, it's better to know now and avoid an unhappy marriage and subsequent divorce.

It's odd that it should happen now though after 7 years because that is plenty of time to decide if being a step parent is something you want. You say he's seeing a therapist but maybe couples therapy would also be helpful. 

I sort of get it - I'm not my boyfriend's first in pretty much anything, including parenthood, but we're not having babies.  It bothered me  occasionally  when we were new (6 years ago), and we talked  briefly about it. He understood, and we moved past it.  Now we jokingly celebrate firsts - first vacation together to a particular spot, first dog, first first time at a certain restaurant together,  new home, etc. Silly, but it's our way of still having new stuff together. 

There are so many other significant firsts you  shared, probably haven't shared, why is this now such a big deal? I agree with other posters that it's something bigger, and he's holding to this as a way to justify whatever else he's feeling that he can't/won't deal with. It sucks when partner's won't just be up front. 

Ultimately if his concern for lack of firsts is genuine then all you can do is explain to him, as you have here, that for you it will be the first in many positive ways to choose to have a child in a way that you are both ready and prepared for. Perhaps you can show him that it will be good and positive with him.

He may though still have a genuine desire to be with someone who does not have an ex in the background and who has no kids and your persuasions will never be enough.

He could also just be ready to move on from the relationship and so your words will not work in the long term and he will leave for one reason or another. 

The 7 year itch is real. He could be looking at his life and looking over the fence at the life he could have in his imagination. If he is as young as you he could also be maturing a little and deciding that having kids is something that he would like after all or it could be his get out of jail free card so that he doesn’t have to be the bad guy in breaking the relationship off. People can change a lot over 7 years and 7 years in your teens/20’s is a really long time when you mature and change in numerous ways. Perhaps this relationship has just run its course or perhaps it is time for you two to sit down and redefine your relationship and lives along the lines of who you two are now and not who you were when you first got together. 

There really are a lot of unknowns and you are going to have some tough conversations with your boyfriend to work out what is going on and a way forwards. 

You could also ask your boyfriend if he thinks it would be helpful for you to attend one of his therapy sessions with him to help you understand what he is going through. I wouldn’t push it, but if you are willing to go I might mention it to him as an option. 

Being a step parent does feel different to being a bio-parent. You aren’t ever going to be the bio parent no matter what you do and sometimes you can feel the lack of that bond with the child and it can cut pretty deep. It is agrivating having the ex always in the background, even if it is minimally impactful. It is tough to act like a parent but to know that you have no legal say in parenting matters and that if your spouse died or you divorced/separated you may never see this child again. Being a step parent is emotionally taxing and not easy for anyone. It is not like being a bio parent no matter how much your partner supports you. 

I think that the whole "firsts" thing is a bunch of bullshit perpetrated by immature people.

If a couple has not had a child together any child they have together at that point is their first. Even if they both have one or several kids with prior mates.

In my case, though I have no BKs, our son is our first.... and our only.  He was young when we met (15mos) and we married the week before SS-27 turned 2yo.  I have never had issue with my amazing bride having a past.  I have my own past through no kids.  Our pasts are what make us who we are and a big part of why we are where we are together.

I would not jeopardize an interesting relationship because that person had a past including an X, kids, or any number of prior partners.

If someone having a past is an issue, then people should marry virgins and create a past together.  If that ship has sailed, then people should marry non breeders and breed the kids together.

Just my thoughts of course.

First, you sound like an awesome BM. Making your SO's voice count in parenting is a huge deal. It sounds like maybe since he previously didn't want kids, maybe he's changing his mind about it. If he's changing his mind, he might suddenly really care about the experience of having a child with you, which I think shows how much you mean to him. 

When you talk to him, tell him how beautiful of an experience it would be to you having his first child (if you haven't already). Ask him what would be possible for him to feel better about the situation. Perhaps different boundaries with your ex? Also, has he met your ex? If not, after 7 years, he could be giving that person too much power in his mind. Meeting the ex regularly  could desensitize some dramatic thoughts on his end. 

I did think about the possibility that he could be cheating with a childless woman, but if he's expressing this to you and going to therapy for it, I don't think he is. 

So my SO has 3 boys to a previous marriage and we now have a 1YO daughter together. I'm so glad she was a girl as it is HIS first girl also as well as my first baby. But it was always something that upset me as it was never how I expected my life. I wanted to celebrate pregnancy and birth and becoming a little family together as a new thing for both parties but I guess you can't help who you fall in love with. My experience obviously was very different but there was always that niggle in the back of my head that hed been through it 3 times before so he wasn't bothered, while it was the biggest deal to me. Obviously he loves all 4 of his kids and wants them all involved in everything but it's very different for me. I want us time. Me him and MY daughter. Sounds selfish but I don't want everything to involve his kids. It almost makes me feel like I miss out. We have come to a compromise and he always asks me what I think but I have to take extra care to continuously think about his boys so as not to exclude them or make them feel like I treat my daughter differently. It's so hard. SO doesn't know this. He wanted my daughter to wait on Xmas morning to open her presents until the boys came...I was like erm no! I want to enjoy some experiences without them here! 

I've gone a bit off topic but it's really hard to explain. Everything is different when you are with someone who already has kids and you don't. It's completely not how anyone envisages any experience they wanted to have when they eventually have a child of their own and it's terrifying, surreal, hectic, stressful and fills you full of guilt as well. I feel guilty every day for everything whether it's spending all of my time with my daughter or whether it's putting the boys first in plans so as not to exclude them. Every ounce of energy is taken up mentally. I don't know if it's the same for a SD as it is for a SM but this is how I feel and all the firsts make me angry because I somehow miss out because the excitement is taken away by the boys often constantly being there and limelight and attention is then generally on them. Drives me insane. I hope that helps a bit. This is only my experience and I could be completely off the mark. My SO is extremely good at trying to share his time between everyone - except when it comes to firsts...1st birthday, 1st Christmas, 1st family holiday.... xxx

I had no bio kids and married a wonderful woman who had two sons.  Due to nature, there was not option for us to have bio kids though I found it incredibly flattering that she always said she would have wanted to.  As a guy, this makes zero sense if you are in love and want to marry.  You two are making your own memories and doing your own things.  It was a little touchy about her ex at first but over the years I've grown to like the guy a bit.  We even have done re-do's  example:  She had a horrible experience going on an overnight trip with the ex many years back to a particular destination.  So the two of us went and she experienced it positively.  That is now our favorite quick getaway spot for a refresh.  I agree with most of the responses and this sounds very much like cold feet.  Possibly talk with him about postponing the marriage because you honestly see this as cold feet.  Trust me ... you're not my dad is about the least of the things he is going to experience.  The role of SDad or SMom is not for the faint of heart. 

There is no logic behind it.  Even worse, there is no intelligence of any kind.

This "first" bullshit  is the pathetic whining of the pathetically immature demonstratons bymicroscopic mental specimens.