Your fears are well founded. Many men aren't really overjoyed about having more kids having usually reached their max previously. Often their underlying reason is they want someone to help raise their kids or its just the more basic instincts at work.

Since you don't have children why are you settling for less than a childless man? Usually its mutual in that both parties have kids so at least they're in the same boat but even then I advise to not get married or have children together.

Your gut feeling is that this guy is not fully into this - I highly recommend you follow that feeling. Find a unattached and unencombered guy and go about this the right way instead of settling for second best (or worse).

Although we get few of the success stories here (they do exist - occasionally) why don't you look around and see all the problems that can crop up. And don't forget things change. His ex can die, become incapacated or run off to Africa leaving you to raise all of them. And by then they may truly hate the gut you should have listened to.

He's no longer married for a good reason.

That's common and it's not selfish of you. But tell us more about why you feel that, we might have some specific insights that help.

I have been with my SO for about 7 years. He had 2 kids when we got together (I had none), and we now have 2 together. From my experience, you are pretty dead-on w/your expectations. It's unfortunate, and I wish it were different. Since my first bio was born, SO has done nothing but feel guilt because the older 2 don't live w/us all the time (though they are w/us over 50% of the year). When his are here, they are treated like guests visiting a hotel...he dotes on them constantly, buys them things, makes all sorts of efforts to spend quality time w/them. When they aren't here, he puts very little effort into spending time with the 2 I have w/him. It sucks.

He also expects our 2 to do chores, behave much better, etc., than the older 2 (even though the older 2 are substantially older and there should be more expected from them).

I wouldn't recommend this situation to anyone, honestly.

Edited to add: to answer how his bios responded to the babies-the oldest one didn't like it at first, but has come around and his pretty good w/both my boys. The younger one still hasn't accepted that he is no longer the baby (even though it has been 5 years since he has been, and between both his parents he now has 4 younger siblings)...and acts like a brat most of the time.

One thing I can NOT accuse my dh of is favoring the skids over my dd and our ds. He put ALL FOUR children first - ahead of our marriage. You would have thought they were all visiting dignitaries, not our kids!

Examples:

1. telling our (my) dd when she was 15 (without consulting me) that SHE could pick the destination for our family vacation.

2. if I made something with dinner that the kids didn't care for (like one time I made roasted beets as a side dish - I like them!) he would say RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM: "hows come (yep, HOWS COME instead of why) ... "hows come you made something you know the kids don't like?"

3. one time my dd was mad at me because her favorite jeans were still in the dirty laundry. she went outside to rant to dh. Instead of telling her "tough, wear something else", he comes in the house and says to me (and I quote): "if you can't keep the kids' clothes clean for them, we will have to hire someone who can" - again, in front of the kids.

4. when it came time for the kids to drive - all I said was, I want them to have vehicles that are SAFE and RELIABLE. So...the kids got nearly brand new cars - I was driving and old clunker that I never knew if it would get me to work or not.

5. he allowed the kids to do things that were UNsafe and even against the law at times. One example: when "ours" were 12 and 15, he had a couple of old ("collectable") Ford Mustangs. He allowed those kids to DRIVE the cars around in our field saying it was "good practice" for them. OMG!!! UNsafe and ILLEGAL!!! I finally won that battle, but of course I was the "bad guy".

6. HE decided, when our daughter started dating and going around with friends that she was a "good kid and very responsible" and (wait for it!) DID NOT NEED A CURFEW!!! Well I finally won that one too because it was ME waiting up for her until all hours and getting phone calls from her friend's parents asking me if we had lost our minds with this "no curfew" business.

There are more...dozens more...but you get the idea.

My dh has his daughter (8). We have an 18 month old son. Despite the fact that I don't particularly like his kid, things are good. My dh is a great father to both of them. His daughter is here 50% of the time. Life doesn't stop when she isn't here and life doesn't stop for her when she is. We live our lives. She is included when she is here and we assume she is doing her own thing when she isn't.

Then again, my dh seems to be a lot more mature than some of the men on here. He has good boundaries. He recognizes that our marriage is the central relationship. And he is smart enough to know that you can love multiple people and if one person feels slighted by that it is THEIR problem, not his. He can help that person try to understand, but he can't change her personality or the stuff her mother plants in her head.

I have a lot of these fears as well, not only w my DH but w my in-laws as well. It is always a struggle for me and part of the reason i do not want a kid any time soon. Well my cousin and her husband just had their first baby together (her first ever, his second). Well he ADORES this baby. He told me and my DH that it was nothing like the first baby he had, mainly because he was never married w the BM and didn't really get to live all of the baby firsts like he is w his new baby boy. He wasn't around when his first child started crawling, or walking or talking and those are all things he gets to experience w his new baby. I can't say he loves one more than the other, but there are so many things he missed out on w his first that he gets to do w his second. I don't know if this is the same for you, but it made me feel much better about the kids I will have w my DH. My DH also wasn't married to BM and he was still in vet school in a different city and really missed out on a lot of things w SS. I would get hung up on all my firsts that would be seconds for DH but we will have our own firsts that he and BM never had, plus he will have a PLANNED pregnancy w a woman he loves and actually WANTS to have a baby w and at a point in his life where he can enjoy having a baby and starting a family w out worrying about where the money for diapers and formulas is going to come from. And that is much more important.

Also, if he's paying cs..that will be less money for your family. That was always a thorn in my a$$. So glad he's not doing that anymore!

Bunch of cynics on this thread. I think that as long as your DH can be open-minded, you have good communications, and you can educate yourself and your family about blended family issues early on, you have a great chance of being able to make it happily. Especially if the new child is a good bit younger than the skids, you might not even feel the difference in attention--you can just chalk it up to the fact that different ages need different kinds of attention.