Question about SS’s “Loyalty“ towards BM
BM is this controlling Highly manipulating in your face b@tch that has made DH's life hell both Financially and emotionally. For awhile DH sheilded SS from this then as SS got older basically said screw it.
Now if BM wants SS to do something SS does NOT want to do DH will tell SS it's BM who wants this not DH. If BM sends DH a nasty email saying DH is letting SS stay up to to late DH will tell SS BM sent a nasty email complaining. DH never says anything nasty about BM or inserts his opinion. Just giving SS the facts.
Now SS seems really bothered by DH sharing this information about BM with him. As soon as DH says anything even remotely negative about BM SS gets really Quiet/looks away from DH and sometimes even walks away or say he does not want to hear it. Not sure if SS thinks DH is lying as SS LOVES the bio hag and thinks the sun Rises and sets on her ass. BM Spoils SS rotten.
I don't think BM is Poisoning SS against DH as SS is super clinging and up DH ass 24/7 when he's over.
Any thoughts of why SS is so sensitive about this subject??
Its his mom
That bio loyalty is probably stronger than anything. How old is SS? On the one hand, your DH must feel hes old enough to hear the truth but on the other hand, that loyalty is blind. Your DH probably needs to tread carefully, making only factual, non-judgmental statements when he must speak about BM. And, to be a good patent, he will probably have to backup BM sometimes. Touchy situation.
SS is 13
BM bends over backwards for SS and does things for SS that a kid his age should be doing for himself. Since SS is this lazy ass who likes to be Coddled could be the reason he feeds into BM's BS
SD10 is exactly the same when
SD10 is exactly the same when DH mentions BM. DH presents the facts of whatever BM is currently doing (changing the schedule, toxic behavior, etc.etc.) , SD10 always justifies her behavior. "Well, she only cussed you out because you... 'did x,y,or z'" "Well, my mom can't help her reaction when someone *triggers* her..." "Well, she can't help that she lays in bed all day because she is sad..."
It is a never ending rabbit hole. DH is so fed up with it and is baffled that she can't see straight... I just tell him that bond she has for her mom will never change.
Your DH shouldn't be using BM
Your DH shouldn't be using BM as the bad guy when he's parenting. A simple "it's time for bed now" is all that's needed instead of "you have to go to bed because BM said so". Honestly BM has nothing to do with his/your household. She cannot parent within his walls unless he allows her to so in this particular situation he's just passive aggressively making her the bad guy so SS blames her. You say he's only doing it to be honest about BM but your DH is just dragging the kid into their parenting issues--something that would obviously upset the child and something that will get your DH in trouble in court.
Your DH needs to 1. Cut the BM-Blame game crap. If BM emails saying he has to do XYZ but DH doesn't agree with it, then DONT DO IT! If he does agree then he needs to stand behind it as the parent in that household and make SS do it. He just comes across as spineless. 2. Your DH needs to learn to set boundaries with BM. It's his house and he can parent how he wants to in his house. He doesn't have to given out BM Mandates because she sent an email about being ThE mOM *eyeroll*. He needs to find ouf his parenting style, his boundaries/rules for his house with his child and if they line up with BM them great but if they don't then he can simply send back "BM, you can do that at your house, I will parent my way at my own. Thanks"
Yep. OP, your SS is reacting
Yep. OP, your SS is reacting to DH putting him in the middle. Who cares what BM says to him in emails, that shouldn't even be a consideration or discussion, unless it needs to be mentioned, that is, "Mom says she has to pick you up a little early today."
Your DH is talking bad about BM under the guise of "not shielding" SS, and it's bothering SS.
I could tell you what
I could tell you what happened while I was in the bathroom this morning. It would be completely inappropriate, gross and make you feel a little sick, I'm sure. But hey!! It's "just the facts."
Ss only needs the facts that are relevant. He doesn't need to hear his mom being badmouthed for no damn reason (because I guarantee the kid doesn't understand why mom is being blamed for bedtimes at dad's.)
Your husband is actually engaging in PAS himself. It's going to backfire big-time if SS is enmeshed with a coddling mommy. Ss is just going to be angry at dad for attacking his mom, unprovoked (because he was "shielded" from this type of stupid behavior previously) and repeatedly.
Yuck.
Facts matter.
I am a facts guy. They are particularly important when countering the toxic manipulations of a toxic blended family opposition.
This is the method we adopted in protecting SS from the lies and manipulations of his toxic SpermClan. The more they lied and manipulated, the more we introduced SS to the facts. Ultimately he had all of the facts and he had total and complete access to our comprehensive files regarding the Custody/Visitation/Support battle that had played out from his birth until he aged out from under the CO at 18. When they would spout some bullshit that did not pass his smell test, he would come home from visitation and research their crap until he had the facts. Then the next visitation he would bare their asses. They hated that he knew the truth and eventually they learned to STFU and not lie to him or manipulate him. Now, 10 years after he aged out from under the CO, they know better than to try to BS him. Early in his 9+ year and counting USAF career they attempted to guilt him into setting up part of his pay to go to the support of his three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs. He shut that shit down in a hurry and let SpermGrandHag and his dipshitiot SpermIdiot know that it was not his job to finance his SpermIdiot's indiscriminant breeding habits. He also let SpermGrandHag know that she should not be working her ass off to house her idiot son, raise his three younger oowl spawn without his help, and continually support the SpermIdiot's stupid crap.
His mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo. 20+ years later he asked me to adopt him. We made that happen. In an interesting turn, when he informed SpermGrandHag that he had asked me to adopt him and it was done she congratulated him and stated that she "was glad that he had grown up with a good man to be his father". She floored me with that one. It had to be a hard thing for her realize that her son is a POS.
He would come home upset about some bullshit the SpermGrandHag had piled on him when he was a young kid. We reviewed the relevant facts that countered the SGH's crap. We did the same with the SpermIdiot when he would cry to SS about how in love he was with SS's mom, or lied about never being married (the marriage and divorce record of the SpermIdiot's marriage to his under age statutory rape victim wife who he married the week before the eternally delayed custody/visitation/support hearing that they kept delaying in order to financially ruin my DW), SpermGrandPa's serial adultery, the pittance in CS that they claimed was taking food out of the mouths of SS's three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas, the financial facts about how the $110/mo in CS could not possibly have financed our new homes, new cars, vacations, etc.... over the years, ane the SpermIdiot's long and distinguished arrest record (gun charges, drug charges, gang activity, etc.....).
Facts, facts, facts, facts, facts.
Facts matter.
Use them. Inform the kids of the facts as needed in an age appropriate manner. The toxic opposition hates the facts. Which is exactly why you use them liberally as needed.
Facts are exactly what DH is giving SS13 BUT
SS13 is not having it. Example number 1. BM will LIE to SS and tell SS he can't spend more time with DH because the "judge" won't allow it. Total BS. Custody order clearly states parenting schedule CAN be changed if both parents agree. DH will tell SS it's not the judge that won't allow BUT BM.
Example two. BM will complain that SS plays to many video games to SS's therapist. SS's therapist will then tell SS to spend more time doing something else. Most parents if they have a issue with video games would just tell the kid to stop but not BM. BM does NOT want to look like the bad guy to SS so she gets others to do her dirty work.
So these are the things DH points out just facts. Regardless SS DOES not want to hear them. SS thinks the sun rises and sets on BM's ass. Just hoping the little asshole will want to live with mommy when he turns 18 and NOT us
Keep turning up the heat with
Keep turning up the heat with the facts. At some point BM will lie in a way that SS will clearly see and his fantasy of his awesome BM will come crashing down around his ears.
Whether he worships her or not, there is no reason why he should live with you once he is 18 whether he lives with BM or not.
Keep applying the facts. Expand his exposure to the facts as necessary.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Even after he reaches adulthood, do not allow BM's crap to go uncountered by facts. She can fill one of his ears with bullshit and you and DH keep filling his other ear with the facts and truth.
"Are you really still buying your mother's manipulative bullshit. Fact, fact, fact, fact, fact."a
My SS is many years past needing to hear the facts. He has his foot firmly applied to the collective asses of his SpermClan and they know better than to play any of their usual crap cards with him. Fortunately they are too Fn stupid to come up with new material and he is too sharp not to recognize it if they did.