I just called the doc to up my dosage from .25mg xanax to .5.

So, basically we have to pick the lesser of two evils. I stay involved in the skids education, and they are trained by BM to vehemently hate me, and never to listen to me, resulting in a miserable home life, not to mention the oodles of emotional abuse they endure as a result of it. So this year, I disengaged, and surprise, surprise, SS is failing almost everything. But get this, BM has the audacity to blame it on DH. I went and spoke with SS teacher who said SS isn't turning any homework in, any day of the week. I have since started helping him not fail, and he's fighting me on it...but it is getting better, and his work is getting done.

I know everyone in here is going to ask "Why are you putting yourself out there? DH should be handling this." but unfortunately, my feeling is SS needs routine, and coming home from school and getting right to HW seems to be a much more consistent routine for him between our two homes (it's 50/50). BM has just been setting SS up to fail. We found notes in his backpack requesting he come in for extra help on her mornings, and she doesn't bring him in. It's just awful. When I apologized to his teacher for not getting involved sooner he said to me "Say no more, we see this all the time. I'm happy if he just starts getting his homework in." And he agreed to give SS a chance to turn stuff in late when he's at BM's, because I have no control over what goes on there. So at least that's something. (not that I'm letting SS know of that leeway)

The panic attack happened when our lawyer rescheduled on us, after I rearranged my classes at work. I felt like no one is interested in helping us. BM is attacking, trying to get full custody. I don't want to talk to anyone about it, because I feel like they'll start thinking we're the problem, not her. The 50/50 situation is so detrimental to them and their grades. I broke down crying today. DH asked me what was plaguing me the worst...and I told him if I thought for one second that the boys would be okay if we just handed her custody, I would say do it...but the truth is, they wouldn't be okay. They'll end up pathological, sociopaths. Things are so messed up over there. We have been fighting custody with her for 3 years. It's like this will never end...and all I feel is it's time to up the dosage. Somedays I just hate life. People really suck. I often wonder if I should ask XH and his GF if they have this much trouble with me. HA!