Not Sure to Stay or Go-Crazy BM

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Hi- I'm new to this board so please excuse any abbreviation errors. I'm newly married to my "DH", we've been together almost 4 years and he has a now 7 year old- my SS (right?). He's a good kid, spoiled and argumentative but I think that comes from being an only child (and spoiled). The problem and only thing we ever argue about is the ex-wife, bio-mom to my SS. She's a horrible person, an eternal "victim" -ie; the affair she had and eventual divorce with my DH weren't her fault. Despite their child being fairly well-adjusted, she is consistenly critiquing everything we do. She's gone so far to tell my DH she wished he weren't in his son's life, that we can't have him for X-mas (even thought it's court-ordered) etc. She has the guy she had the affair with living with her, and up until recently my SS was sleeping in their bed with them. Gross...
Everything is an argument with her, my DH is constantly having to defend his position as father. He's never been an absentee father, in fact he stayed home at night with their son as a baby while she was out having her affair. Too passive, maybe, but he's a good dad who was trying to keep his family together. We pay her child support, based on a once 60/40 custody split. Now that we are 50/50 he is going to try to change what he gives her- but she acts like he owes her money for everything so I doubt it will go over easily. And she makes 6 figures a year...she it has nothing to do with actually needing it.
What do I do? I cannot handle this kind of drama forever and I think I'm still young (30) and could find a situation that didn't involve a crazy ex. It's not fair to my DH, but I am mad at him for not standing up to her more.
Has anyone else been in this position before?

You just wrote the story of

You just wrote the story of ME! I am in the EXACT same situation and I'm 32. DH was overly passive and accommodating to everyone when I met him. It's gotten a lot better because I simply wont put up with a man like that. Call it an ultimatum, call me the controlling wife, whatever. Everyone has standards. The ONLY thing my dh and I argue about is BM and/or SS10. It doesn't get better and the only thing that helped me was disengaging. Everyone has their own unique definition about what the word actually means so to me it means simply that I have a choice. I have a choice to get involved in dh and bm conversations, emails, court interactions, etc or not. I have the choice to go to SS10's soccer games, cub scout activities, school band concerts, etc. There was no other way for me to keep my sanity IMO. The only obligation I have in this marriage is to my husband. THATS IT.

Thanks for your reply...I

Thanks for your reply...I really appreciate hearing from someone else in the same position. How does the SS treat you? I worry that the BM will try to turn him against myself and DH- because that is what she already is trying to do. She's a "disneyland" mom, and we are the evil house with rules/consequences. Sigh...I am so tired of this. Disengaging is what my Dh would like as well, he's tired of me being mad at him for his BM interaction.
I love your signature too, that's pretty hilarious. Have you ever told his ex to f-off? I am above that behavior (or so I'd like to think) but it would feel great!
Thanks again

NCAStepmom: SS10 treats me

NCAStepmom: SS10 treats me pretty well. I set the ground rules for how I will be treated very early on and he quickly realized I wasn't joking. As seems to be the trend, DH was lax in his parenting, rules, structure, consistency, etc before I came along all due to his own guilt. He thought it was his fault the marriage broke up, ss10 was caught in the middle, bm was never around, etc. So he compensated as seemingly most parents do.
BM (along with her equally insane parents) tries to turn ss10 against us. We have ss10 in therapy, dh and I are in marriage therapy, we've read books, blogs, articles, etc. to figure out how to parent this child appropriately in this siutation. I'm currently reading "Divorce Poison" by Richard Warshak. "The secret of Parenting" by Anthony Wolf, I've read "The truth about stepfamilies" by Ann O'Connor. Really anything I can get my hands on to read about the topic. Some of the books have helped. Others have not. I'm not an employee of the publishing companies that these books came from by any means and different books will help different people. My point is, find some specific books that you think will help you and employ their message in your day to day life.
We too are the EVIL HOUSEHOLD with rules, structure, routine & consequences, lol! DH and I both realize that this is 100% what ss10 needs to have in his life so we continue no matter how tough it gets. I grew up in a household like that and it made me the person I am today so I want ss10 to experience that type of upbringing to give him the best shot at becoming a well adjusted adult regardless of what his mother and maternal grandparents do and say.
BM has several psychological and mental disabilities. As much as I'd like to tell her to f'off, I do realize that it would do me no good. I even go so far as to speak nicely about bm in front of ss10 because I know that all bm does is talk shit about dh and I when he's with her. I want to keep our 2 households POLAR OPPOSITES so he feels the difference between appropriate and inappropriate.

I havent always been this way but by stepping back, analyzing the situation, reading EVERYTHING I could get my hands on, talking to our marriage therapist, etc. I'm finally where I need to be.

Thanks again for sharing your

Thanks again for sharing your story with me. It does sound like we have a lot in common in our situations. DH was same way with his son- overly lax in parenting due to uneccessary guilt regarding the divorce. I too believe in strict rules, but that's hard to enfore as I am not the bio parent and not even a parent at all. We too try to limit what we say about BM in front of SS, my DH thinks eventually his son will figure it out...but I am not sure. The BM tries really hard to manipulate him into "loving" her more. I feel sorry for the kid, he's being pulled in two directions.
This situation has become nearly impossible for me to deal with. I will grab those books as a last ditch effort. We have been in therapy already for a year and I just started to go solo as well. There were other issues too, we lost a baby early on in our marriage. He made the BIGGEST mistake very by telling BM about it so that we could get her to watch SS while I was in the hospital. Of course in her true victim fashion, she was less than sympathetic and even accused my DH of not "being there" during this time period for their son. That was almost the last straw for me...but I am trying!
Thanks again...glad I am not the only person who has to deal with a truly horrible ex-wife...I didn't know people like this existed until now. Sorry you have to deal with it too.

Put your footdown and tell

Put your footdown and tell him how he needs to be handling the situation .... if not .... deal with it yourself lol

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