So sorry. What a mess.

There are women who do such things as send disparaging letters and emails to people.

My DH's ex sent all kind of crap to all kind of people, DHs sister, uncles, DHs friends, her own kids etc

The only thing came out of it is that many relatives and friends cut ties with her, one SD cut all ties with her and the other sees her only once in a blue moon.

But then my exSO (different man before my marriage) had ex who had issues with her adult DD. She was blocked from phone and email so she ended up sending snail mail letters to DD's in-law and all kind of other DDs family describing how her DD and son in law were evil. Etc

You can't take these people seriously or personally. Block these people. Ignore. Don't engage. Etc

There are a lot of wonderful psychologists and social workers. And I've met some who were complete and total nutcases. Her being a psychologists means nothing

Your ex-wife is a hideous nightmare and sooner or later your new girlfriend will figure out there is a whole world out there without your ex-wife in it.

If you want to keep your girlfriend, or any subsequent girlfriend, treat your ex-wife like she's the fire breathing dragon trying to gobble up your shackled damsel in distress gf. Defend her. Keep a firm boundary around your own castle. It is the only way forward.

Right now it sounds like you are trying to please the dragon and the woman you sleep with and your kids and your kids' therapist. Pick one.

You don't "please" your kids: you parent them. You don't "please" your kids' therapist: you assess whether they are helping. If you could have pleased your ex-wife, you'd still be married to her.

So the choice seems pretty obvious to me. But it's your life, you can choose endless misery if you want.

A lot of relationship drama is caused by poor boundaries. Your ex feeling like she has any 'right' to a relationship, judgement, etc of you is a poor boundary. She's no longer in a relationship with you, so her feelings about you should be none or irrelevant to her job of raising your shared children when they are with her. Any other feelings about you are for her to discuss in her own therapy sessions.

Your fiancee reaching out to your ex was also a poor boundary. I can see polite introductions and inquiries such as, "How are you?" at exchanges, but not actual contact.

Your ex involving your shared children in her battle with you - for any reason - is a poor boundary.

I think if your kids go to a therapist, on your ex's time, and you get a written report monthly and maybe bi-monthly you get a phone call about how the kids are doing, great. You do not need to show up for family counselling with your kids and your ex. Worst case, I can see *possibly* showing up for some kind of 'how can we possibly parent these children together' relationship counselling with your ex, but you'd need a neutral therapist - one that your ex doesn't know personally or professionally, and one that isn't seeing anyone else involved with your family either.

And your poor boundary is showing your fiancee your ex's diatribe of an email. Keep your fiancee away from the drama train that is your ex. Let her be the woman in your life and in your home, let your kids like her or dislike her but require that they behave towards her with respect, and let your ex deal with the drama she creates.

Time for a zero tolerance and destroy the toxic opposition position. Drag your X to court and get a judge to smack her in the mouth to STFU in discussing you or your current relationship with the kids.

Judges tend to not like this kind of crap. Go loaded for bear. Have all of the toxic X crap printed and ready for submittal. Have all of the stories recounted by the kids logged and ready for review. The judge can take them to his chambers to confirm if necessary.

My wife would periodically attempt to establish a cooperative relationship with my SS-24's SpermIdiot and extended SpermClan ... to no avail and to much heart break for my wife.

She finally learned that it is not reasonable to try to work with the unreasonable in the blended family opposition. Things got a whole lot less upsetting and whole lot easier to deal with when she took the position that since they had proven their inability at reasonableness their only option was to do what they were told when they were told to do it or suffer the full wrath of consequences that we could apply in court, legally, financially, socially, etc.....

They learned to stay under the slime covered rock they lived under at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool. Our focus was on our son's best interests and protecting our family from the SpermClan's toxic crap.

We lived this for 16+ years under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO until our son aged out from under it at 18. When he was 22 he asked me to adopt him. He knew who his REAL dad is and we got papers documented what had always been fact. I am his dad. We raised him to be respectful to them but also to recognize their manipulations and when to apply the test of reasonableness to anything they pulled or said. As he progressed into his teens he would go through our Custody/Visitation/Support file cabinets to do his own research on their crap.

The main counter that we had to the SpermClan's version of what your XW is doing to your kids was documented facts. We never bad mouthed them but neither did we tolerate their manipulations of the kid to go un-countered. Season your children with the facts in an age appropriate manner, review the CO, review her toxic rants, etc..... As they get older this will help them to navigate their own relationship with this toxic BM and to protect themselves from her crap. You modeling reasonable adult behavior and a quality adult relationship with your SO will do far more good for your kids than your XW's toxic crap will do harm.

Is she a licensed therapist? If she is.... nail her ass with the licensing authority for her unprofessional crap. I would if I were you.

Good luck.

I know some psychologists- they know very little about human nature.

You're the one who needs to be in contact and communicating with your ex. Your fiance tried to reach out and it backfired, lesson learned. Fiance needs to block ex on phone, email and social media. The ex is your responsiblity no hers. Fights and nasty texts/emails are yours to deal w/not fiance's. Why are you letting her fight your battles and deal with your mess?!

Your poor fiance is completely embroiled in the messed up psycho babble drama between you and your ex. You ALL do not need to talk, please leave your fiance out of it. Deal with the drama between you, the kids and their mother and keep it separate from you and your fiance's relationship. And it's not ok to "let the control go" with your kids. you should be parenting them instead of allowing them to vent their issues on your fiance.

"I feel so trapped at the center of all of this."

Oh poor man stuck in the middle of two women and your kids fighting over you. Stop the victim crap, man up, deal with your ex and parent your kids. Maybe you need to cool down the relationship w/your fiance until you get your drama in check.

We have suffered from a vengeful ex plus pas'd SD. We received vicous emails with accusations, including her getting 'flying monkeys' to send us emails and threats. She also showed careful extracts from DH's communications with her and framed them in a certain way to look as if they were saying something they were not. She also did this to an 8 year old on the autism spectrum...

Be advised that 'no contact' is the only way to go with these high contflict people. I would not bother with any counselling or therapy, she has quite clearly shown that she is manipulative and toxic. Go to email or text only. Keep all proof and like Rags says 'nail her' in court if you need to.

Keep your fiance away from all her toxic crap. Your fiance made a big mistake in reaching out to your ex in the first place. I am sure she did this with the best will in the world but it always backfires. Never invite the vampire in.