New here....soon to be stepmom that could use some advice
Hi everyone. I am so glad I found a site like this, becuase I feel like I do not have anyone in my life that can relate this this situation. I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years. We are getting married in September. He has 2 daughters from 2 previous relationships. This is where is gets complicated. The fist daughter came about when he was very young (16 I believe). Since they were both so young, there was a huge custody battle with the BM's parents and my fiance. He (being 16, without a lawyer and probably not very responsible) lost terribly in court and ended up with child support and supervised visitation. He was required to go 3 times a week to this visitation and it cost $50 everytime he went. Being so young, he couldnt afford that and child support, so the court found him in contempt and took his visitation away. I am not sure of all the tiny details since I was not around then, but he fought it for a while and eventually gave up since he wasn't getting anywhere and he couldn't afford all the court costs, etc. In the midst of all of this, he met his second ex and they had a daughter. They were together until their daughter was about 3. When they split up, the first thing his second ex did was call the first ex (they didn't know or talk to eachother before this). They became BFFs over their mutual hate for my fiance, and have been conspiring together ever since. My fiance has been in court almost every month with the second ex since they split up fighting for his rights, visitation, etc. becuase he doesn't want it to wind up like it did with the first ex. She has tried everything she can think of to get the court to take his rights away, even accusing him of abuse and neglect. She never has any proof or reasoning behind these accusations so the court ends up giving him parenting time, but she rarely goes by it, and the court is not very helpful with enforcing it. He is a wonderful dad and I hate seeing him go through this. We have sacrficed a lot over the years to pay all the child support, attorney fees, court costs etc. With our wedding getting closer, I feel like I have had sort of a freak-out over all of this. I love him and his daughter more than anything, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think about the future and what might happen with his first daughter and how things might turn out with his second daughter (considering things never go smoothly b/c of her mom). He and I both don't feel like he should intervine with the first daughter becuase he hasn't been in her life and she has a stepdad that she considers her father. Any advice from dads or stepparents in similar situations would be great!
ybarra is probably right.
ybarra is probably right. However, there are alot of different sides to every story (especially custody stories) and custody fights can go on for freaking ages (I am in the middle of a 3 year custody fight at the moment). And, for a 16 year old, that would seem like a lifetime. It would seem like a lifetime to me, actually.
So, I hope your fiance is making more conscientious reproductive decisions these days.
We're sort of going through the same thing here, and we're getting married in September, too. FDH has three kids by two different women, both of whom are rich scum bags who have used their money to screw him over in the custody department.
Here is my advice: file every chance you get. Whenever BM2 violates the visitation schedule, file against her. Document everything. The judge will eventually see a pattern.
Also, if she is taking him to court that often you should be able to file for litigious indulgence. Our BM just had her last shot at dragging FDH into court. The court will only see somebody so many times before they start charging them a fine for going to court so much. Not only do they charge a fine, but they throw out the case as well. Unless a serious change happens, at this point she can't say sh!t except possibly once a year. That's how it is in New Mexico anyway, and I doubt your court system is much more lenient. So, I'd definitely look into that. Also, feel free to vent. It seriously helps.
I am sort of in the same
I am sort of in the same situation, so I can relate. My DH has 2 previous marriages, It is only the BM2 that is the problem. BM1 is mature and they parent their children the way parents should. BM2 has had my DH in court so many times, its pathetic. Only thing is, court ALWAYS goes in her favor because of her father, who used to be a bailiff of the court. We live in a small community and there is such thing as the good ole' boys club here! My DH had to pay her spousal support even though her and her BF had bought a house together and were living together. My DH has filed contempt charges on her for not following the visitation schedule, and the judge would not even have a hearing on it. My DH gets No where. Its sad.
Yes, I will say that in the
Yes, I will say that in the past, he did not make good decisions. But, I love him for the person he is today and the person he has been since I met him. We have been through a lot together with these issues and some that I have brought to the table as well. And, as Hedgehog said, there are soooo many different sides to these custody battles and family court issues. At 16, he literally didn't have the knowledge, resources, support or means to go up against the BM's parents by himself in court. With his second daughter though, he is struggling everyday to not let things end up like that. BM2 is a complete nightmare.....like should be institutionalized sort of nightmare. We document everything that happens, but like smof5, the court is not giving him much help. The judge in their case is the mother of BM2's high school friend. They see referees mostly, but she is the one that has to sign off on all the orders, etc. The problem we are having is not the court giving him parenting time, but rather not doing anything to punish the BM when she doesn't follow the order. All they do is send her a paper in the mail saying that she needs to give him make up time for the days she denied his time, or file a hearing to show the court she had a good reason to deny the time. In the past, she would always file a hearing and go into court and make things up like "she is being abused" or "he is an alcoholic", or anything she can pull out of her ass that day. None of these things have an ounce of truth to them, and since she can never proove any of these allegations, they end up fighting in court for a few months and then the court says she needs to give him his time. The crapy part is that all this time they are fighting in court, she is witholding his parenting time. She has been on another rampage recently and has been dening his time since the end of February. This time though, she didn't even bother to file a hearing....she just ignored the courts notices! And what are they doing about it? At this point...NOTHING. It is so frustrating, but I am glad we are not the only ones experiencing this mess. On top of all of this, she is the worst parent ever and half the time sticks his daughter with a sitter and goes to the bar....all while he is just begging to get the few days a week the court ordered.
I am sorry you are having to
I am sorry you are having to go through this. I understand everything you are saying. Its sad that the court system is so unfair and all that matters is "who you know" and not what is right for the children involved. I don't have any good advice because nothing we have done has worked either.
I'm sorry.
i hope yall have a good
i hope yall have a good lawyer that specialized in these types of cases. i too have been through the court stuff with my bd and it was not fun but with a good lawyer it makes it easier.
there should have to be evidence of neglect and abuse.
your attorny can fight the neglect because she would not ALLOW him so that should be no prob. if there was an abusive relationship mrybe anger management and parenting classes will get him through with at lease supervised for a while.
i think that as long as a man pays child support he should be in the child's life. so imo if he pays for child 1 then he should see he/she too regardless of the new step daddy or whatever. i mean the child will want to know her bio too. i mean i would.
but please get a good lawyer and start immediately and have the court order be specific in visitation and holidays. also in transportion. pick up and drop off locations. who provides the clothing during visits. make up days for if a weekend can not work, etc. and keep it close...
also if the visitaion does go through and the cs and stuff it is not an easy road u are in for a treat but don't be scared if u truly love a person and he truly loves u then i believe that it will work out for the best.