new to the forum and unsure
hi I'm new to this forum. I am a step mom of an 8 year old boy who has some disabilities disabilities we are currently terminating his bio moms rights she has had no contact with him for the past two years.
my husband and I have been married for almost 7 years and together we have three children 8,6 and 5 months. I was in step sons life since about the age of 2 and that was with every other week visitation I've never really bonded to him and now my husband and I are fighting over it now that we're terminating rights that I need to really step up.
his family has doubts that I truly love him what should I do its just hard for me to show it my step sons father coddles him and is on his every whim sword he doesn't allow me to have the time to bond with him let alone pushes him his son to bond with me husband just recently told me that if I can be a mother to him then we are going to get a divorce I just feel that I'm not even give it given the opportunity let alone the resources
My husband has been the one making major decisions for him and is always taking him to the dr when I could have. Now I have to prove that I love him and care for him (which I do) its just hard when husband has kept me at a distance with major dealings but yet expects me to do everything for stepson. And when I do try its either wrong or not good enough. But its hard for me like I don't want to force myself on him and resent me but yet I would like a loving bond with him. Also in my back of my head when I adopt him my husband wants me to sign a paper that if we are ever to get a divorce that stepson will reside with him indefinitely with every other weekend visitation which I feel like its a slap in the face you ask me to adopt him and treat him as my own but yet you don't want me to have him. I know I'm just rambling but I needed a place to vent outside the box that husband doesn't know about.
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This ^^^^^^^ I'd tell him I
This ^^^^^^^ I'd tell him I will try my best to care for this child, but nothing beyond that. No signing any papers. He needs to get a second job to care for this kid, and it might the best thing, so you have time to bond with the kid. To be honest, I don't know how your have lived with this guy for so long, he sounds abusive.
You guys definitely need
You guys definitely need counseling, and I would NOT sign any adoption papers until you get it. You have totally different perspectives here on what your role is, and you need to work it out.
From what you describe, you believe your DH thinks your role should be one of loving mom who bakes cookies and gives kisses and never, EVER disciplines or makes any major decisions - that's to be left to Dad. (Can I take it that he's NOT like that with your bios?)
You, on the other hand, feel that his vision is sort of "one foot in, one foot out". It's not being a MOM, and it doesn't allow you to feel a bond with SS.
So where do you go from here? Well, there are a couple options. Our role as step moms is a Venn diagram - one circle contains all the stuff DH will *allow* us to do (since he's the bio parent, all authority comes from him). Another circle contains all the stuff we're *willing* to do. And the stuff that's in both circles, the place they intersect, that's where you find your role as step mom.
He has to clearly outline what he's willing to allow you to do. (Also, if that list doesn't include EVERYTHING that he does as a parent, there is no way you should adopt or he should consider letting you adopt. What the hell is the point of adoption if you're not going to be a full parent?!?!) Then you need to outline everything you're willing to do (doctor's visits, school stuff, rides, discipline, etc etc etc). Then you need to compare and talk about it.
Also, I'd be VERY leery of his threats of divorce. To me, you only talk about the D-word if it's happening. Using it as a threat to manipulate your partner's behavior is despicable.
DO NOT ADOPT THIS CHILD. DO
DO NOT ADOPT THIS CHILD. DO NOT ADOPT THIS CHILD. You will end up paying child support. Seriously. It happened to me. DO NOT ADOPT THIS CHILD.
Your husband does not want a spouse, he wants a sex partner, chauffeur, maid, cook and babysitter. Accept the reality if he is so readily rejecting you from his life there is no love as we think of it in him.
Tell him "no" and let him do what he thinks is in his best interests. Meanwhile you do the same.
Aw honey, your husband sounds
Aw honey, your husband sounds like a huge dink. He has torn you down so much, you don't even know which way is up. You don't HAVE to love your stepson, you don't have to adopt him either. May I ask why you are adopting him? It sounds to me like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.
I got the perfect solution.
I got the perfect solution. Go file for a separation. Husband will have to pay CS for your three kids and he will also get time with just his precious child. Works for everyone
He will then find ways to find BM fit for parenting once again, then you can reconcile if you want this jerk back so badly.
step sons mother has been a
step sons mother has been a drug addict she's abused him and she's played a mental warfare with him I do love them to a certain extent nothing like my own but I feel like that's because my husband has made it that way I feel like he's blocked me from being able to bond with himthe motion to terminate the rights were both of ours and I have always agreed that I would adopt himI feel like it's more his family making it look worse than it is or he's just that blind to it I do more with our kids and he does he will play video games with stepson but he won't do individual events with our daughter he won't do special time with her he blames it on me not doing the same with step son so he's making up for it because supposedly I treat them all differently I discipline the same I expect the same out of my daughter as I do I sometimesexpect more out of my step son do to him being older in which husband things I'm being more harder on even my mother in law feels the same way about how he can only make decisions for stepson and no one else can she has noticed itwe do have a lot of unresolved issuesI hold on to things longer than I should I don't discuss things like I shouldand I don't know if the word divorce has come up because I have left him before due to his family for two weeks and we cancelled and then got back together under the stipulation of continuing counseling but we never finished
We both work outside the
We both work outside the home. I think I need to just get all my issues out on the table that I've been keeping in about not just husband and step son but everything. I've always feared a divorce being a child of one but if its meant to be. I'm going to have him do counseling with us again. He won't like it but we both need it I feel as if he's not telling everything either or maybe some unresolved issues or pressures from families