Hi everyone

I only found this website last night through a blur of angry tears and I'm so glad I did! Reading the stories on me has made me realise that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

I am BM to a 7.5 month old DD and SM to a 4.5 year old SS. My situation is different to a lot of those I've read about (which makes me wonder more if I should feel horrible and guilty for feeling the way I do). I met DH when his ex was 3 months pregnant with SS. Long story short was that she left him and he and I ended up together. I had six months of just DH and me and it was bliss. Yes, I always knew that a baby was coming and that he wanted to be involved etc, but I was young, naieve and it really didn't hit home. I didn't have any understanding of what it meant to be a parent or step parent - I was in my early 20s and on a working holiday on the other side of the world to my home. I had the blinkers on. Anyway, DH and i fell in love very quickly and I knew he was 'the one'. Those six months were loved up bliss. Then SS arrived. I didn't cope at all and the relationship with the ex was nasty as well. She wouldn't let DH see SS because of me so in the end, trying to be the bigger person, I contacted her and said "we're both grown women, there's no need for this - let's meet". And we did. Since that day I haven't been able to help but feel like I have sacrificed so much for the fact my husband was stupid enough to not use a condom with a woman he wasn't in love with simply because she said she couldn't get pregnant. I still get so angry about that!

A couple of years ago he and I moved back to my home country while his son stayed here with his BM. I had been miserable living so far from home and we both lost our jobs in the recession and there was more opportunity there. Our relationship got steadily worse as DH blamed me for being away from his son. Eventually, five months pregnant and terrified of losing my husband and being a single mother, I told him I thought we should move back to England despite the fact that the two years in my home country had been bliss for me.

You see, when it comes to his ex my DH is spineless. I respect the fact (a lot) that he wants to be a good father to BOTH of his children, but I am constantly at the mercy of 'her' and SS. She says jump, he says how high. When we came back the agreement was that we would have SS every second weekend. Yeah right! We got back here in March and we've had SS almost every single weekend since, plus I've had him while DH is at work several times too. I'm starting to get so fed up and resentful!

My SS is a lovely boy and he is respectful, kind and does as he's told when he's here. But sometimes I just want a break! I know it's terrible but I still feel like he's an outsider a bit in our family, not that I could ever say that to my husband. Sometimes I simply don't want him here. At the moment DH works away all week and is only at home on weekends. Sometimes I just want it to be the three of us, and given that I was promised that's how it would be - regulat and structured. I need a break! Seriously!

I know this is horrible, but those two years back in my home country were bliss for me without SS to consider in the picture. I just felt so guilty though.

ARGH!!! Why can't anything ever be easy?

Thanks for letting me rant.