New to Dating A Man with Kids
I am very new at dating a man with children. Of course, I am very in love with the man and I love his children as well. They love me too. The problem is with the way he treats me when it comes to his kids. When it is just me and him, I am in heaven. However, when we are around his kids, it is like I am non-existent. For instance, one night recently he took us all out to eat. When the waitress came, he ordered his food and then directed each of the kids to order their food. It was like he completely forgot I was sitting at the table. If he is around his kids without me there, he pretty much ignores me. If I have a problem or if I need to talk to him, he doesn't call me or barely texts me back about my issues. Usually it is just a sentence on the text. However, reverse the situation and if his kids call or text when it is just me and him, he will answer calls and texts and even go and get them if they beg long enough - even if they are over at their grandma's house! It doesn't have to be an emergency. I was in tears one night with him over his behavior around me with the kids and when his youngest called he hung up with her and said, "I'm going to pick up the kids. That is what will make you feel better. You can't cry around them, all you'll feel is happy." And then changed all of our plans for that evening, which included going out to see a movie.
For background, the mother hasn't really been in the picture. She's been around, but she put partying (including drugs) in front of the kids. My man says that it is his job to be mother and father and to make up for what she didn't do and for the fact that she abandoned them. He says that he will not let them feel abandoned because she did that, hence the reason that if they beg long enough when he and I are out, he will go and get them.
Now that I've met his kids, he says that he and I will not need a lot of time as a couple any more because he likes to "share" us all. He has also told me that I will never be as important as his children, but that I am the fourth most important person in his life (as he has 3 kids). Even and still, he won't tell his children that I am any more than a friend and he won't tell his family he is involved with me, all while declaring he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
I just feel very unimportant in a lot of ways. Am I wrong for this?
Oh Smilee...I wish I could
Oh Smilee...I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it probably won't. Neither of you is "wrong", his priorities right now are his kids, and that's OK too. Not sure how long has be on his own? If she's not involved at all he has a heavy load being both parents-and his main focus will be raising them and guiding them.
I was raising the kids as a single parent with a quite uninvolved dad, so I do get his position-right now they come first. It took me years before I was comfortable enough to think of a relationship other then casual flings.
It takes some time-Especially if it was a traumatic breakup and you need healing time. He probably enjoys your company and likes making everyone happy but isn't ready to make you a big priority in his life. If you're wanting a strong relationshp I don't recommend staying with him...especially involving the kids which will get attached to you and suffer more.
He's not a selfish, horrid person-his priorities are just his kids right now and in time he may get to the place that he's comfortable raising them w/out anxiety and fear and relaxes and they are in routine, they've healed, he's healed, and he'll THEN be ready for a steady relationship making YOU a priority...but the time may not be right I'm afraid. Plus 3 kids IS a LOT to deal with..not sure love will be strong to get you through. You already feel invalidated and unimportant and he just can't meet your needs in this relationship.
Neither of you is wrong for having your priorities be what they are-you're just at a very different place -and he won't be able to handle a true relationship right now.
I"m not kidding-it took me 5 1/2yrs to get to the point I was ready for a full time relationship where I make HIM a huge priority in my life, I make our relationship a priority because if WE are strong my kids will benefit. But it wasn't before I was ready for that.
I think most women (not all) are more apt to stay single after a divorce and deal w/that role of single parent better then men...somehow men crave the companionship and maybe the motherly/womanly "help" that comes along with it-and they jump in to relationships before they are ready. It's written all OVER these boards sadly.
No, you are not wrong. I'm
No, you are not wrong. I'm really sorry to be a debbie downer but my only advice at the point is.... "run"......
You are NOT wrong for feeling
You are NOT wrong for feeling this way. You can't be wrong about how you feel. It sounds like he is not making you feel like a big enough part of his life and that is unacceptable if he claims to love you so much. Believe me, I understand that. I was a secret for the longest time because my bf didn't think his grown up kids could handle him being with someone. I have been with him over a year now and I will be meeting his parents for the first time next week. I should also mention that he is going through a divorce and that has complicated things as well. However, he has NEVER told me that I am not as important as his kids. I don't think you can put those 2 worlds on the same playing field. It's understandable that his children are important to him but if he loves you that much then you should at least be AS important to him as they are. I know it's frustrating that he drops things to go to them and I also know that you probably disagree with his parenting style. I stand with you on that as well...it's frustrating because you always think you would parent completely differently and you probably would.
I think that it is ok for you to be like, listen I want to be in your life and I love your kids and want to help parent with you (if that is what you want) but if we are going to do this together we really need to start working TOGETHER, not you doing something without checking in and vice versa. Just because you are not the BM does not mean that you can't be a wonderful step mother. He NEEDS to give you that chance otherwise, you will resent them. Trust me, you don't think you will but you do after awhile and it's not a feeling you can control. So to avoid that, your boyfriend needs to make you feel like more of a part of his/their life and if that means sharing in the parenting responsibilities so be it.
Talk to him...just be very honest about how you feel and if he cannot accomodate your needs then that is something you might want to think about. It's great that you are accepting of his situation, but in no way does having children mean that he should ignore you if he loves you that much. I am sure he doesn't realize this is bothering you and once he does he can make some positive changes.
RUN...RUN...RUN....and don't
RUN...RUN...RUN....and don't look back.
If you don't I can guarantee you will be haunting these boards with more tales of being ignored, feeling fourth best etc. At the beginning of a relationship, we can understand the priorities thing - heck in some ways we even encourage it. That is before we are head over heels in love and have expectations of our own. He will not meet those expectations, and you will be on here, venting about it, just like most of the rest of us.
SAVE YOURSELF!!!!!
hate to say it - but any man
hate to say it - but any man that outright tells you you're the 4th most important person in his life is a total douche. RUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!
there are way better men out there that will make you their #1 priority. you don't deserve to be #4 on the list.
Like many other posters, I
Like many other posters, I don't see this getting better any time soon for you. Do you think you will be willing to chance waiting it out for it to "maybe" get tolerable? It just sounds flat out right now that this man is no where NEAR ready to be in a relationship. He shouldn't have gotten involved with you if he was going to say things like you are fourth in his life and cancel things you had plans to make new plans with the kids. He's made it very clear from what i've read that he's not ready to put the time and effort into making you happy in a relationship so my advice would be to get out now and find someone who is ready to put you first.
you have been given some very
you have been given some very good advice on this thread. His behavior is really extreme. I don't predict good things for your future if you stay with him, if he is this way in the first flush of love.
4th most important person? I
4th most important person? I am THE most important in my husband's life. His sons are 2nd and 3rd. I am not a vain person but I expect nothing less.
Walk away and find someone who is not trying to be a 100% parent and a 0% partner.
I am sorry. i know it hurts. But your needs will always come 4th even when they are adults. As attrasctive as it seems to have a BF who takes on this load he isn't balancing out his life in a healthy way.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.....
Don't jump on the ship of the damned.....
You have to give him credit for trying to be the best dad he can be.
He is probably lonely for female companionship, you can't fault him for that either.
He is being honest with you and really doesn't see anything wrong with it because they are the most important thing in his life so obviously, you will understand and accept that they will almost have the utmost in importance in your life.
People get caught uo in their own realities and can't see the problems with it. This is why there are so many therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists.
If you are looking for a long term relationship that will progress along normally turning into one big happy family, walk away now, befor you develop deeper feelings for him. (okay I wanted to say RUN but it seemed too dramatic).
If you are looking for a friend with benefits, this is probably the guy for you.
You are the only one who can choose.
Think about it deeply though, do you really want to be here typing feverishly with tears streaming down your face because you just don't get why he is still treating you as though you are invisible even after all these years......
Run run as fast as you can....
wow..that sure sounded all 2
wow..that sure sounded all 2 damn familiar.i swear my so was jst like that to me.When we first met it took him until now to involove me and treat myself and our new born daughter like we were his.His priority also.Remember that ur the prize..not jst his kids.Dont let him get it confused..there are some great moments with him and his kids.But he still at times struggles to be consistant in balancing his love for all.If you heart is ready for the ache...2 years in and still is hard.Jst have to decided if your love is worth him?