New Approach?
I've been married to DH for two years and with him for about three years. It was a roller coaster nightmare for most of it and we broke up twice, with him getting his own house for two months, filing for divorce (but not finalizing it yet), etc. At this point, I am pretty content - my major issues that could be addressed are and I finally stood up to DH and BM for what was important to me because I had nothing else to lose - DH and I were getting divorced anyways. At this point, I have put my foot down and BM's horrible nephew no longer comes over for visitation, SS13 and BM both know that if SS13 calls me names publicly or to his dad or is at all disruptive over here, visitation at my house ends and DH can see him when he can in their town, and I won't tolerate ANY crap from DH's family about anything that BM tells them. BM is cut off from ALL forms of communication with me and DH, and if there is an emergency she can get us through SS13 or SD18's cell number or one of DH's relatives. It has been unbelivably freeing - I feel like myself again. It won't work for everyone, but for me I feel like I may have taken the wrong approach to this whole thing from the start. I have always been independant and straight forward and this whole hiding behind DH and expecting him to handle things to my satisfaction has not worked. Sorry if you think I am a ball buster, but I run my own life. Like I said in a previous post, if I could do things over, here is what I would do:
1. Do NOT try to be friends with BM. It will not work unless she is Mother Theresa and probably not even then. If she even pretends to start this or reciprocate for a time, I promise it will end badly with her putting you between her and DH or using you for information. When you figure this out, you will be the bad guy and she will be pissed and badmouthing you to the skids and DH's family (if they are in contact with her).
2. Let your DH handle all communication with her unless it directly affects you. If its a discipline thing for the skids, or some other issue that might indirectly affect you, then talk to him and let him know how it will affect you/your opinion and limits. If it directly impacts you, like BM trying to get the skids to pull DH out in your front yard to "talk" at drop offs. Very calmly go out and explain that she is not allowed to communicate with anyone in your house at your house. If she escalates things, walk back in and call the police. I think everyone here is totally right in making DH deal with BM in most things - but for your own long term sanity, you let her know right away where your boundaries are and that the authorities will be involved in any nonsense. Similiar to how you'd act towards any stranger that showed up at your door, called your house, or otherwise intruded on your privacy. Do not worry about what the skids or DH think - if you let it go things will get worse and they will be pissed anyways. Get it straight with her upfront.
3. Don't let BM run your house through the skids. You run things, set rules, establish schedules to YOUR taste. If you get complaints through the skids, let them know that you and DH set the rules in your house and move on. Don't let DH freak out if the skids "punish" you with a few weeks or months without coming over (if they are allowed, or old enough to make that decision). That will change when they get sick of putting up with BM 24/7 and she feels the same way. They will come back with a new attitude and she will (mostly) shut up. Believe me. I have now lived through it. Took 8 months of SS13 not being over here, BM telling me her kids would never be allowed around me and telling me not to "fuck with her kids" before she realized that if she wanted to play these games and turn kids that really liked being here and being with DH and I against us, she would never get a moment alone. Now she demands that we need to take SS13 more, lol.
Bottom Line - Stand your ground - show restraint in your words to BM, but other than that - NO ONE WALKS ON YOU!
Any thoughts?
You have a very common
You have a very common experience with the BM but not all are the same. I've read others here who get along quite nicely with the BM even to the point of actual friendship. It can happen but admittedly its rare. The point is someone reading this should not automatically they might as well assume the BM is an enemy until she proves to be one.
You can run the show because your husbands needs someone to run it and if that makes you happy it probably suits him just fine. Hey if you're happy and he's happy I don't think you're a bad person. I have a nephew who's mother was extremely strict and ran the house - he married a girl just like her and is as happy as a bug in a rug. Good for him.
I absolutely agree that if things aren't good between you and the BM all communication should be between her and her ex - your partner. And no verbal communications via the step-kids either. It's all by phone or written. Notes via the kids is OK but not verbal.
I don't run the show with DH.
I don't run the show with DH. He can do whatever he wants, as long as it doesn't affect me. He is a different person then me. He has spent years and years in a family (his own family, mom, dad, etc) that was extremely passive agressive and was controlled by his parents into adulthood by guilt. He went on to marry his mother basically, with BM, who has sat on her ass for 21 years and ran the show with guilt trips, through the skids, and insane passive agressive behavior. He is used to this and just lets it roll off his back most of the time.
I am NOT used to this. If someone has something to say, then just say it to me. Lets hash it out and move on. I am not okay with letting things go as long as they aren't said directly to my face. If I see things posted on Facebook about me by the skids, who then come over that weekend and act like nothing is wrong, I have a problem with it. If BM wants to call me names to everyone except me and constantly push boundaries, I will no longer sit back. I absolutely will tell BM to get away from me in the courthouse, in my front yard, etc. I am not a child and I don't need to hide behind my husband. As far as skid related issues go - they can figure that out. I don't care, unless it effects me and then I tell my husband what I think, and what I am willing to put up with if he doesn't choose to take my advice and it ends up badly.
I've never had any
I've never had any communication with BM for 16 years- which is the only way- but she stuck it to DH and I at DD wedding, gave a speech - passive/aggresive how her son had been more of a man to support her and the Dd after they were left and struggled, blah blah blah, totally uncalled for. DH was so pissed off, we left only ten minutes later before the cutting of the cake and bridle waltz. DH left with his tail between his legs as BM has waited 16 years to have a go at both of us in a public forum- her dd wedding - what a fcuking winner.
I was set to be polite and
I was set to be polite and civil to BM in our first conversation - a phone call when DH could not get to the phone and asked me to take some info from her. She was a total utter fucking bitch.
BM and DH had been divorced for more than two decades. She wanted to give me the third degree about who in the hell did I think I was and what was I in his life, etc. etc. (She's long remarried).
I was just shocked. But not too shocked to give her a piece of my mind. I also really cut below the belt because I know all of her deepest darkest secrets.
She leaves me alone. I don't give a shit what she thinks of me. She is trash. Why would I care what tramp BM thinks about me?
I do think she is afraid of me. As SS is nearing 30 so I am sure she thinks I will tell him what a tramp she has been in life. And I would if I ever was attacked by either of them.