New and need advice on pretty much everything related to my husband's past
Hello,
First, my story isn't pretty and I am not blameless. I hope that some of you can read my story and provide advice without being judgmental.
My husband and I began our relationship while we were both still married to other people. Once we realized what was happening we both came clean and there was no sneaking around. I'm not saying that it was right, but I tired to be honest and seek God's forgiveness immediately. I even have told his ex that I am sorry. I feel guilt almost every day, but what is done is done. We both have children from our first marriages and overall things in the house are okay, but I am having some serious resentment issues that I want to get past but can't.
First, his ex is crazy. She was crazy before and she's even crazier now. She is very scary and I am often afraid for my safety and the safety of my girls. She is truly and an awful person. She has poisoned her kids and has exposed them to more adult themes than little girls should ever hear. I could go on and on and on, but I am sure many of you know what type of person I am dealing with here
She is always causing drama and calling me names and calling the house or emailing about my interference with her children and that SHE is their mother and that I will NEVER be their mother or even hold a candle to her. It is just constant drama, and the innocent kids are always exposed to it. He also pays her an ungodly amount of child support and she just pisses it away on taking them out to eat ad buying their love. They are both morbidly obese because of her and she is always calling when they are here and making them cry over this and that. Here are my issues that I need help with now that I gave a basic background.
1. She has made my life so horrible that I resent my husband for every marrying her and having a family with her. It is awful, but I've basically wished them all out of existance before. I don't understand how he ever loved someone so awful. At times he tries to touch me and I almost cringe because it makes me sick to think that he once could've loved her the way he loves me. I am going to ruin our marriage if I can't figure out how to get past this.
2. I work three jobs to try to pay off our debts that he brought into the marriage and what are mounting legal fees from custody battles. Then every month she gets a big fat chunk of money from him. I feel like I am working my tail off to line her pockets. Every time I turn around she needs 50% of the money for this or that child related expense as if she doesn't get enough money. I feel like my kids are being short changed and not getting to experience things in life because there is no money to do it because of his greedy ex. My hard work gets to spoil his kids while I can't even afford to take my girls to the movies.
3. Worst of all, this is all now making me resent his kids who are innocent in this whole mess. I don't want to feel this way but I do. I dread them coming over because I know there will be drama that I don't want to deal with and that my kids don't need exposed to either.
My husband knows how I feel and asks me what he can do, but I have no idea what to tell him. I wish there was a magic switch to turn off resentment, but there isn't. I wish his ex wasn't so crazy, but she is. I am really scared that it is going to come down to her in his life or me in his life. Unfortunately if his kids are in his life so is the dreaded ex. I would never ask him or expect him to choose, but then I feel like the only option is to bow out gracefully and leave the most loving, caring, and wonderful man that I've ever known.
I just feel broken and trapped in a maze with no exit. Does anyone have advice or words of encouragement? Thanks for listening.
Before anyone else gets here
Before anyone else gets here and this gets lost in the haze of the whole, you were the other women, what did you expect debacle I wanted to say I am sorry for the position you are in.
Here are a couple of tips:
Both of you need to figure out how to set boundaries with the BM. Both he and you don't pick up her calls, and keep everything to email. If she freaks out, repeat this once like a mantra: whatever you have to say, please email me. I will not talk to you any other way because you cannot demonstrate maturity in our conversations. Hand up right after. Do it like you'd train a dog.
Second, do you get child support for your children? If not, you need to start, because that may help with the financial burden a bit.
Your husband, unless it is in the court order, does NOT give money to his ex for any expense not covered in child support. If it is in the CO, then you will want to look to modify it.
You can't get rid of the ex, but you and more importantly, your husband needs to protect the sanctity ofyour home from being bombarded constantly by his ex.
Your situation is especially hard, but maybe remember that when people are hurt and betrayed, they tend to do crazy things. Even the most level headed people can blow up in the face of this kind of thing. However, everyone needs to move forward, and you can begin by setting boundaries you can live with.
Not2sure gave you some pretty
Not2sure gave you some pretty good advise and I agree that the absolute FIRST thing you and your husband need to do is give that (crazy) BM some bigtime boundaries! DO NOT give into her!
Stop answering the phone - get caller ID.
DO NOT let her in your house better yet meet her at a mutual place for drop off/pick ups.
STOP paying for everything SHE wants.
DO NOT babysit for her nor your DH.
STOP working 3 jobs to pay for your DH's kids! If anyone is working 3 jobs it should be your DH! You should be paying for half of the household expenses and for YOUR children not his and BM's. Why would you let your children suffer???
I understand that you (and probably your DH too) feel quilty but you have already asked for forgiveness so you need to pick yourself up and make the most of your life.
IMHO, just because you made a mistake does not mean that you (and your children) should live the rest of your life in poverty or misery. You should not allow your DH (nor his EX) to put all the blame onto you or your children.
Since you don't want the
Since you don't want the children to suffer because of your mistakes you've got to act like an adult and make sure they don't perceive your feelings. This is difficult and perhaps counseling can help.
I assume that your husband is working as hard as you are to pay off those debts. One thing to be thankful for is that he didn't get custody which apparently he sued for. Having his kids full time would have been even more of a disaster.
You may find more help with your delimma on a forum specializing on people who are having affairs. Try this search listing and see if there is anything that doesn't HELP cheating but instead helps people who have already jumped off the cliff:
http://www.bing.com/search?q=Cheaters+Forum&first=9&FORM=PORE
Sometimes I'm sorry isn't
Sometimes I'm sorry isn't enough. There are some mistakes we spend a lifetime paying for.
Most BMs are nasty just for the sake of being nasty. This one has a very valid reason for being a bitch making life for the two ofyou pure hell.
Stop working to pay off his debts. That's his problem to figure out. Of course his working three jobs could result in his CS increasing.
First off, make sure he gives
First off, make sure he gives her nothing over the court ordered CS. That will help. Beyond that, just do not have any contact with her.
First thing I thought of is
First thing I thought of is why are you working 3 jobs to help pay for his kids. The child support order should be based on ONLY HIS income, not both of your combined. He should never have to pay more then half of his no matter how little he makes and no matter what you should NOT have to fork over your hard earned cash for her fat ass to spend. Get a seperate account NOW and keep your financial info PRIVATE. She should not even know how much you make. She'll sponge off of you for all you are worth if you let her. If hubby is not working per chance go back to court and he should not owe anything right now, tho usually a judge will make a non custodial parent pay something. Wow, your situation is crazy but not the craziest I've heard. Also wanted to say that you should spend money on your girls no matter what and like ^^^ said, do you get child support for your girls? If so that should be spent on them. My dh and I had a crazy ex gf that would not leave dh alone before we got married and we had to not answer her calls, not let her into our home and not entertain any communication from her period. She finally after 3 long years moved out of town and is gone. She'd come to the kids sports events and snuggle up to dh right in front of me and flirt and drink out of his pop can, etc, it made me so furious. Sometimes women who are like that have to have even firmer bounderies then normal ones. Your dh had an affair with you for very obvious reasons, he was so unhappy in that marriage, now help him out by blocking that crazy bitch from your lives.
Good luck.
^^^AMEN^^^
^^^AMEN^^^
Wow! Poisoined her kids????
Wow! Poisoined her kids???? Um...restraining order?!?!? Read the book Stepmonster, vent here, and maybe think about divorce. Sorry you are experiencing all of this.
Sure hell hath no fury like a
Sure hell hath no fury like a woman scorned but you don't have to sit there and take it. Tell her to fuck off and go away. Why in the hell would you care what she thinks about you?
I understand your point that
I understand your point that we are products of a divorce or split. I personally stood by my H from the last court date until the time it took BM to finally sign the papers - he had offered her many sets of papers where she could the keep the house and other deals and it took a while for her to even accept one and then the local judge had health problems so it took so long. This is true but at the same time she helped initiate the divorce.
I am no way saying that OP is the sole reason for the divorce but she helped it happen in the end. Yes apparently there had to be problems in the marriage to make him stray, yes he made a move on her aswell - but she helped contribute and this makes her just as guilty and crazy as she says she is partially to blame but doesn't seem to want to take responsibility.
As for taking care of his ex I agree with the fact it is not her responsibility. I have posted where BM expects me to spend money on SS and contribute and I refuse though I do have a H who will stand up for me.
WOW i think alot of people on
WOW i think alot of people on here have been hurt too!as this has raised more than a few negative comments
At the end of the day, what you did was wrong, but it doesnt make you a bad persona nd have to pay for it the rest of your life!
I feel for you, but do not do all of these things out of guilt for what happened. You should not be working 3 jobs to pay for someone elses kids, like another poster put, the CS should be coming out of his salry not yours and you should only pay what the court has said to and no more. Your kids need to be made your prioty not his.
It sucks when you work your arse off and money goes to BM regardless but remeber that he needs to deal with her.
Iagree with the no contact thing too, have no calls only voicemails, she is clearly hurt and very bitter (some may say rightly so but at the same time you cannot detroy someones life like this and in the process fucking up your own kids-thats to both BM and you) You have to be cruel to be kind and to be honest cut her off and she will soon learnt to gireve for her marraige and eventually move on. It will take time but rember your kids wont be young forever and life is not always about making other people happy.
Cut off contact other than emails and vm's, go to court and get the money sorted ASAP and work on your life with him and both of your kids.
I am going to be very matter
I am going to be very matter of fact. These are the CONSEQUENCES of having an affair with a married man. It's like touching a hot stove and wondering why you got burned, most of us here started with our H after he was divorced, and most of us are having some marital issues. If my H leaves me I want that to be his decision. Not because some bitch lured him in with her nasty you know what and made it easy for him. I want my marriage to fail on it's own if it has to fail, and if some bitch has a hand in it, you betcha I am going to do everything in my power to make his and that bitches life as hellish as I can. Honestly I am rooting for the BM in your story. Go BM, give that home wrecker and her piece of shit husband hell.
People who cheat and break up
People who cheat and break up a family, deserves all the hell they get.
If dad is broke because mom cleaned his clock in court, good.
All I'm hearing here is how
All I'm hearing here is how the OP STOLE another womans husband. Just an FYI ladies...Men can't be STOLEN. Men LEAVE when they think/feel something better came along. Was it right? Probably not. Does it happen? More times than we'd like to admit. Most men cheat when something in their relationship is lacking. Others do it just because they're assholes and the rest well, they don't have the foresight to know that they are making a huge mistake and that 15 minutes of a new wet pussy may cost them everything.
There's no need to berate this poster for her indiscretion. Give her advice and keep your agendas to yourself. Geesh....
OP, block the bitches number from the house phone. Have all communication go thru email. Stop him giving her extra $$ beyond CS and drop those 2 extra jobs. Let him deal with that shit.
The OP made the choice to
The OP made the choice to sleep with a married man. Her choice helped to rip apart two families. Now she is paying the price for that choice.
She invited the drama into her life. Now that guest she invited in (BM) is refusing to go away without a fight.
Married men; now matter how bad their marriages may be; are off limits.
^^^AGREE....we all make
^^^AGREE....we all make mistakes, you didn't RUIN a perfectly GOOD marriage, because I truly believe that's IMPOSSIBLE. If he wasn't looking to get out in the first place, nothing you could have said or done would have made a difference. Jus sayin.........
I find it ironic/amusing that
I find it ironic/amusing that the OP hasn't posted since dropping her dramatic story and then disappearing.