Needing alittle advice....
Hello everyone, I am new to the forum and drastically need a place to come to talk to others who are in the same situation. Here is the low down on our family. Three years ago, I met an amazing man...who just happened to have three kids. They are awesome kids. Their mother...well she is alot less awesome. Lets just say we have them full time and she has seen them 7 times in the last 9 months for literally maybe half a day each time. So basically I came into this situation knowing I would be mom. Almost 8 months ago we got married. I love the kids dearly, and I can't imagine life with out them at this point. I feel like they are my kids, I am protective of them, I care for them etc etc. (btw we get no child support either).
So here is the issue that I am having. I work out of the home, and am usually gone like 12 hours a day. By the time I get home all I want to do is go pee and then sit down for a min and relax. BUT I can't because I have three kids running at me to give me hugs etc. yes I know I know it makes me a horrible person to complain about this but I feel like they are little leeches. Then basically the rest of the night goes the same way. If I leave the room to get an alone min I am followed, hounded asked questions blah blah. I know I know again...this is normal child behavior. But its driving me insane. I feel like I work, and then come home to get supper clean and be followed around.
What ties into this is...I am having trouble with all this. I am having trouble being the full time mom that does all this. Basically my life has to revolve around them....because thats what moms do right? But I am not a bio mom. I havn't had a child myself. And I am REALLY struggling with dealing with this. Its hard to be MOM, but then not be mom. I know they love me, and I know it would kill them if I ever left or anythign like that, but its still hard. I dont even know if this will make sense to anyone but my feelings of confusion are really affecting the way I treat them and it kills me. I actually was sitting to get my CPA but quit because it was taking away from my time with them.
I guess basically I am just wondering if anyone else feels like this. I just raelly need someone to talk to and HELP figuring out how to deal with all of this.
We have the oldest of the kids (who is ten) in therapy because she has a hard time dealing with issues her mom causes (lies and etc) ANd she also has alot of self image issues. Its hard for me because if I dont give her 100% attention she is down in the dumps, and I am just emotionally stressed right now and really have no clue how to deal with it. ( We are also trying to get prego without any luck, starting fertility treatment AND I am quitting smoking)
Any tips suggestions? anything that will help me besides turning to booze!
I feel the way you do!
I feel the way you do! Recently had my sd 7 for 10 days and I do love her, shes amazing but I felt like I had nooo time for myself after I got off work because she would want me to spend time with her, and like you I dont have any bio kids either so I dont know really what it feels like. I felt guilty too for wanting to get away, sorry I dont really have advice and since they live full time with you, its different that my situation. Hope someone can give you some better advice!
oye vey! i hear ya sister! my
oye vey! i hear ya sister! my boyfriend (we live together) has just ONE child (she is 10) and that hard on me to have enough time to spend with her when she is at our home. i cant imagine 3 kids full time.
have you talked to your husband about this? (of course in a nicely stated way). Is there any way that you can set aside some time for JUST YOU? i am not sure if your schedules allow for it, but it sounds like you definitely need it and deserve it! is your husband home in the evenings as well? can you call a family friend to sit if he's not avilable? in my opinion, you need at least 1 evening a week for just YOU. whether it has to be out side the house or not. maybe you lock yourself in the bedroom and read a book or watch something on your laptop. if the kids ask why they can not be around you, i would be honest; "mommy(step mommy) needs some alone time for her sanity, i still love you guys".
personally, i NEED my alone time, always have. i started retreating to the backyard when my FSD came for the summers. at least it was a space that i could be alone and think and maybe even talk on the phone to friends.
it sounds like the kids have a little bit of separation issues, which sounds about right for what their mom has done to them and how little she sees them. Subconsciously they probably are afraid you will leave too. It all sounds normal to me (your feelings and theirs). don't feel bad for needing some space.
also, if you and your husband can have a date night, that would be good! just so you can talk with out the kids around. like i said b4, not sure what your schedules are like or financial situation, but if you can afford a sitter now and then, it really helps, IMO. especially if you are trying for a baby!
good luck!
Man....Thank you So very
Man....Thank you So very much! I know my position is kind of odd being that I have three kids now and all lol I know its alot to go from a single person to a wife and mother of three. It makes me feel sooooo much better having both of you understand what I am trying to say and what I am feeling because it feels so lonely sometimes. I think you are right, I need to just take some time for myself. I may just have to come home late from work one night or something.
And yes you are right they do have seperation issues, they have even asked me if I am going to leave them like their bio mom did, or as I like to call her "the egg donor". (of course I dont call her that to them haha) I just dont know what the best way to handle that is. Its like they want/need special attention because of it, but I dont know if thats the best thing.
Man being a parent is one thing...but being a step parent HAS to be a total diff monster haha Thanks again.
O and...I have talked to my husband about it, he is very supportive of me and will do anything for me. I think thats partly why I feel so guilty. I have an amazing husband and three amazing kids yet I just feel so out of whack!
You are not the mom...You are
You are not the mom...You are not the mom…keep repeating this to yourself. If you don’t
You will cross lines that cannot be recovered from.
If there is one thing I know is, no matter how much I love sd10 and ss13. I am not their mother.
They have a mother and she is not awesome either. If fact she is selfish and hurts her own children.
You need your time and your space if you do not get it you will become tired, angry, and resentful.
My BF kids are wonderful, they love me very much, and I love them. We have a great relationship.
However, I do have my own child (grown) and there is a huge difference. No matter how wonderful these children are they are not yours. You do not have history…It takes time to develop history and long term emotional ties. 5-7 yrs to be exact. So cut yourself some slack.
Tell the man of your dreams the truth. I did and his reaction was amazing. I said sweetie I love the kids but
I need and 10minutes, 30minutes sometimes an hour to myself. He plays games with them, cooks with them, takes them to the park…whatever so that I can go to the bedroom close the door and have a glass of wine to relax, or take a hot bath. Whatever I need to wind down from a stressful day at work.
What you feel is normal. Do not give into the guilt that you do not feel like “you think you should”. Love does not make you the mother. They have a mother. You are an awesome woman who chooses to love them, chooses to make them a part of your life. You want to be the best person you can be for them. So know your place and your role. You and they will be so much happier. They do not need you to be the mom.
They just need your love and stability.
Saying this to you is reminding me again of who I am to my skids. Thank you for the reminder.
Thank you very much for your
Thank you very much for your opinion...and I get what you are trying to say. But they DO need me to be mom because they DO NOT SEE THEIR MOM. They dont speak to her...they dont have a mom with out me, they actually wont even answer the phone when she calls (once every two weeks)...Ok...they have a person who comes and pretends to be mom for a day every other MONTH. but that to me isn't enough to say they dont need a mom. So I do know my place...and my role...my role to them is being a mom. I am person who cooks for them, who cleans up after them...who yells about dirty socks being on the couch...the person who buys their clothes and pays for their school lunches. Who provides for them. So in our situation although I didn't give birth to them I am pretty sure I am their mom figure. Saying I am any less than their mom than and adopted parent is kind of off. So I am the mom I am the mom I am the mom...and I will continue to struggle and figure out how to deal with that.
I would grasp this while you
I would grasp this while you can. Yes you can look at it as YOU are not the mom; but since we have taken our SD13 full time nearly 8 months ago;(Mom sees her for 3 hours a week) it has been hell. She treats her mom like a queen while I get the dirty looks and smart mouth; she fights me every step of the way with daddy in her corner.
Here is what I do:
I work all day long as well - I get the kids up - I get the kids bathed and ready for school - I get lunches ready -I take the youngest to daycare - I work in a cube all day - I leave and pick up youngest - I get home and start dinner - I do laundry (do and put away)- I do homework - I clean up dinner - I get snacks and then - I put kids to bed.........It is an exhausting never ending job
when I get home; I have made it very clear that I need at least 15 minuts of just mommy time. They know that I have been at work all day and before I change into MOMMY - I need a minute to just take a breath........
It works; they know not to bug me during this time and after I am ready for them!!
Even though they they are not yours - they are being pushed aside by BM and that is sad and not their fault.
Find some YOU time; YOU have to
The only thing my BD does is
The only thing my BD does is she will put the dishes away and load the dishwasher every day; she will pitch in whenever I ask. BD will do 3 loads of laundry a week if that; which is starting one and then moving it to they dryer and starting another one.......and then leaving it....Wow thanks; it stinks when I open the washer the next day!!
this doesn't piss me off as much as my Darling Honey; just lying in bed in the morning watching me do all this and getting ready and then sitting on the coach and watching me do all the other stuff; and then having the nerve to say - what do you do for me :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
Ya I got that a little too
Ya I got that a little too late!! LOL
Dad is good at making me look like the crazy one. I will try to state my case but he'll just say things like.....It doesn't need done or MY FAV - this house is a reflection on you not me... :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
He just doesn't get HOW much goes into running a home and I don't think he cares
Hbelle0428: that Sh*t
Hbelle0428: that Sh*t wouldn't fly in my house! hell no! if i was you i woudl coem home one night and do exactly what he does, NOTHING!
Yep! I have done that before.
Yep! I have done that before. Things get so backed up that I have to work double time just to keep up - he just doesn't CARE at all about it. I have left washclothes in the tub for 2 weeks just to see if anyone would pick them up NOPE.
I have found SD feminine products behind the garbage can - NOTHING
I have left dishes in the sink until it stunk - NOPE
these are things I cannot go a day without doing but I did and still NOTHING
hahaha seriously! stop buyign
hahaha seriously! stop buyign toilet paper! thats my favorite. even in college, roommates would always forget to buy toilet paper. tehy tend to rememebr when they are wipign their butts with paper towels! (sorry to be sor gross).
I like the TP one!! That is
I like the TP one!! That is so funny! - I am sure HE would do that one though....(well maybe).
My BS4 looked at me last night while I was running around and said
"How come daddy never does anything and you do everything?"
When a four year old notices; that's when it's scary