Need to vent
I really need to get this out because I don't have anyone I can talk to about it. My husband and I have been going through a really stressful period of time with a number of really difficult situations to deal with, like very sick dogs, my health problems, money, and moving. Also found out that SS15 is failing school AGAIN and his mom who he lives with is doing nothing about it. Anyway, apparently she messaged DH recently and said she wanted to ship him to us without warning because she "can't handle him anymore". DH wouldn't tell me what exactly he was doing that she couldn't handle, other than that he is failing school again. He wants SS to improve in school and finish it there ideally but SS doesn't care about school and isn't trying. So DH said that it may come down to him dropping out and moving in with us so he can help him get a job and stuff. This sent me into a deep panic. I really don't want that kid living with us. He's insufferable. But we'll see what actually happens. The thing that really bothers me is today was particularly stressful and I noticed earlier that he was texting back and forth with someone for like an hour and was absorbed in the conversation. I asked him what was up and he said he was texting SS about music. A little later on, he showed me some pictures BM had sent to him via text of the kids, which she does when she wants to manipulate him, and he was gushing over them. I also saw part of their conversation with at he little emojis and cute stuff like that back and forth. So I think he was actually texting her, though she may have just texted him right then, I don't know. The thought infuriates me that he would do that because he always talks about what piece of s*** she is and I thought we were on the same page about her. But seeing that cutesy s*** in the message made my blood boil. I'm just about to snap out with stress and anger.
I'm afraid I haven't got much
I'm afraid I haven't got much advice to offer but I just wanted to say you're certainly not alone as you might feel. My partners BM can be the same. She will tag him in memories on FB and send them to him too. It's easy to feel wound up about it but I guess it is pics of their children. Then on the other hand; do they need to be reminiscing every other day! Is that her trying to say she misses those days with him or that she genuinely just misses having a younger child around!
As for SS potentially moving in with you guys; you need to have a proper discussion with you're partner about what that would entail. Then once you and DH are on same page, then you can address SS and tell him how it will be. So make sure firm boundaries are in place, make sure he knows what's expected of him and that he can't just laze about the house doing nothing, that he will have chores to do etc. Then also make sure DH is the one to be making sure his son complies with those rules and boundaries.
Ultimately we all have our limits as partners to people who have children and every situation is entirely unique. Only you know your limitations and what you can abide by etc. I hope you manage to find a solution that works for you all. Communication is key xx
If DH will not even talk to you about SS
""" DH wouldn't tell me what exactly he was doing that she couldn't handle, other than that he is failing school again. """
I number one don't like the private discussion between DH and BM. That a big No. No, total disrespect for you as a wife and partner. All discussion with BM should be done by texting that are saved. So you can read them. When he divorced BM and married you, they don't have private discussions. Do you have private discussions with ex lovers ?
And I would not let SS move in with you. Under BM made the mess she should clean it up. SS is 15,, DH isn't parenting him now. he not going to start now. HD is throwing you under the bus.
You must fight this now ,, you have a chance to stop this, don't let it passed.
if DH goes against your wishes and basically takes BM side. It will be time to start making an exit plan.
The poster MorningMia
The poster MorningMia commented in another blog about the marriage counselor she and her husband saw recommending that all communication between exes be through a shared account. I agree with this. These days, society is so child-centric and there seems to be a belief that if a woman gave birth to a man's kids, she sort of always owns a piece of him. She will always be his family.
Well, how is that working out for everyone? People have multiple kids by multiple partners, moving from one relationship to the next, no stability for the kids (though they are supposedly being "put first"), leading to failure to launch/behavior/emotional problems as adults. A stable home starts with a strong adult couple's relationship. When you start allowing others to chip away at it, it falls apart.
Do not just wait to see what
Do not just wait to see what happens. Put your foot down now. If BM dumps the STB drop out on your doorstep demand that DH immeidately sue her for a CS modification to either reduce his CS obligation to BM, or get her ass paying you.
If SS drops out, I would insist that DH immediatley initiate forced emancipation on the kid. If he wants to play deadbeat adult, let him live that hell. He might just learn something. Or, pay a diploma mill for a HS diploma or GED and dump his ass off at the recruiters office with a signed form from daddy and shipt he kid off to Basic Training. Under no circumstance does that kid get to move in with you for more than one microsecond longer than the absolute shortest time to get him emancipated and gone.
No phone, no internet, no screen time, nothing but him being your life in beck and call chore boy, chef, diswasher, etc..
As long as DH is paying BM CS, she can do what she is paid to do. Including deal with the kid she is allowing to fail HS.
Set the scene of abject misery that DH and SS15 will live if BM is tolerated to dump the failed family spawn on your doorstep. Make sure they all understand the hell that awates if this transpires.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Take care of you.