Need some advice
This website is like a breath of fresh air. I'm new to posting, but have read some wonderful advice on here. I just figured that I would have a go at it for myself. So here goes...
I've been with my fiancé for 4 years now. He has a 9 year old son from a previous marriage. I don't have any children of my own. We have his son every other weekend, so his mother takes care of him the majority of the time. She's not the sharpest tool in the shed and I question her ability to show him any guidance or give him any discipline. I'm quite honestly not sure what to do now. I'm so apprehensive about what the future may bring because of her lack of parenting skills. I've read many times that it only gets worse and I'm scared to death.
It's my opinion that he's completely spoiled rotten, lazy, selfish... I could go on and on. He just seems very immature for his age and isn't self sufficient at all. He still expects someone to bring him a drink when he gets thirsty. I still have to tell him more than once to brush his teeth, take a bath, comb his hair ( refuses to do that because his mother does that for him ). I constantly tell him to clean up his room and never does. It's been a few months since I've picked up anything in his room because I made a promise to myself that it's strictly his responsibility. Drives me crazy, though. I work so hard at keeping a clean house at all times. I realize that most of my complaints are "normal" ones in regards to parenting, but I just keep getting frustrated. At what age do most kids start making these simple tasks into a routine? Mealtimes are getting better, but for years I pretty much had to get his approval or there would be a negative response. Unless he had a food allergy, which he has none, I have no understanding how anyone could put up with this type of behavior. If I did this to my mom growing up, I would've been in big time trouble or sent to my room hungry. I actually talked to his mother about this and she said that she makes 2 different meals when he was opposed to what was on the menu. So spoiled! I don't believe that kids should act like that and it seems very disrespectful to me. Narrow eating isn't helping kids in the long run, in my opinion. I told her that if he acted like that when he visited family or friends that she should be embarrassed. His table manners are awful and he doesn't even know how to properly hold a utensil. Instead of using his napkin, he uses his hands or clothes. Both my man and I have tried, tried, tried to guide him to have better table manners, but he refuses to apply our advice to better himself. I sometimes wonder if maybe I'm just old fashioned. I think these things are important and will help him out in the future especially in social situations.
School is another issue. He gets into trouble all the time for disrupting the class. The teacher last year asked his mother about taking him to get tested for ADD and she never took him to get checked. His new teacher has asked her to do the same. She just claims that he has emotional problems. I absolutely agree with that, but I'm curious if there is something more. He has a hard time focusing on anything or listening to anyone. She doesn't know how to follow through with anything when it comes to her son. He is almost 10 and has never played any sports. All he wants to do is watch tv or play on his iPad or video games. She lets him do these things for however long he wants. This to me seems like a form of neglect. He has a hard time grasping reality. I feel so bad for him because these electronics have been his main focus since I've known him. I refuse to let him have these things when he is with us. Not in our house! He doesn't know how to play whether it's by himself or with friends. Games are no fun with him. He always changes the rules to benefit his position in the game. He has made a comment about other kids not liking him and I think this could be one of the factors.
I could go on, but I think I've vented enough. Sorry. If anyone has any advice or is in the same boat I would love to hear from you. I'm new at being a stepmom and really would like all the help I can get. I truly care about my future stepson, but I'm not quite sure how to make things better. Thank you for listening.
Thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for your honesty.
I agree with Jasper, no one
I agree with Jasper, no one is helping this boy by doing for him, it will only hurt later when he can't do anything for himself, no one wants another Mama's boy out there, (cringe), want to kick the chit out guys like that, that's if I could kick lol .
His mother may suck as a
His mother may suck as a parent but she is still his mother. This boy has two parents and you aren't one of them. You shouldn't be asking for input on dinner. You are the adult and if he doesn't like it, then he can have a PB&J. You also shouldn't be reminding him to take care of himself. That is the job of the parent. If your fiance can't or won't do these things, then so be it. But just keep in mind that this is the type of parent he will be if you ever have an "ours" baby.
If he can't handle one, how will he handle two?
Just something to think about....
I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just trying to help you avoid a situation that will stress you and break you. You are obviously a wonderful person. I mean, you're parenting better than this child's real parents! But it will only lead to heartbreak and resentment if you care more than his parents do.
Hello. Thank you for your
Hello. Thank you for your advice. Looks like I've got some serious thinking to do. I thought in the beginning of our relationship that I could handle things, but after a few years I've started questioning things. My intentions are always good, but my limits are being tested. This weekend we had him and I just wanted to explode ( I kept my cool ). I had horrible headaches because it's a bit too much for me. That's when I figured out that I seriously need to assess the situation. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
All of your questions are
All of your questions are completely valid. And to be frank, I'm not sure if Dad is actually taking full responsibility as he should. We're either having a serious talk or I'm out of the picture. Life is way too short!
A dose of reality! I need
A dose of reality! I need that!
Ditto this. Read my back blog
Ditto this.
Read my back blog story if you want.
I started where you are...and now I do maybe, maybe 1/5 as much.
Disengage - just stop. You'll drive yourself crazy.
My goodness! You are so
My goodness! You are so right!
I learned a long time ago
I learned a long time ago with my Step Hell that my DH wasn't going to parent his spawn as long as I was there to do it.
It took a while for me to figure that out. And It made ME out to be the bad guy.
If I was the only one harping about cleaning their rooms, not making messes, arguing over meals they refused to eat...then I was the bad guy.
DH could sit back and look like the poor helpless victim along with the SS's.
I finally figured it all out and stopped ALL parenting at all. I do NOTHING for the SS's unless I want to, which is next to never.
I stopped cooking for them, caring what their rooms looked like (I would just pitch whatever was left on the floor after it had been there for two consecutive visits).
If I cooked dinner and they didn't like it, they could make themselves a sandwich.
I don't help with homework or even ask if it is done.
I forced DH to do it. He finally had to step up and parent. And guess what...he started actually doing it.
He started getting frustrated with all the things that I was dealing with.
DH stopped catering to them when they would fuss about eating a meal that they had always liked before. They thought if they complained, DH would take them out to eat...DH started seeing the real deal.
Things are not perfect by any means, but at least I can walk away from the stress and let DH handle it all.
And as far as BM is concerned...stop caring what she does. Kids are smart enough to learn there are different rules for different occasions/ homes.
Just because it is tolerated at BM's does NOT mean it is tolerated at your house. Enough times of cracking down and SS will eventually get it.
I appreciate your words. It
I appreciate your words. It just seems like a vicious cycle to me. He'll actually step up and try to get better at some things, but the next visit he's back to his old ways. I'm tired of trying. I'm left feeling disappointed and unappreciated. I think you're right, though. Enough of me parenting a child that isn't even mine. I honestly do care about my stepson, but it's getting to the point where I don't even want to be around him. I feel guilty saying that, but it's the truth.
It's not a cycle if you break
It's not a cycle if you break it.
My DH dislikes how much time parenting takes and how hard parenting is.
I do not cover for him.
DH is loads better than he used to be but I had to take a hard line. And yes, the SDs go without bathing too long, they wear dirty clothes, they sometimes don't have good food options or have appropriate clothing for the season. They have DH and they have BM for those things.
DH had to see and experience for himself how to do it and what it took.
I will help periodically IF it's appropriate for me to do so and IF I feel like doing it (like picking up SD10 at her friends house on my way home or cooking something the SDs really like). You cannot parent them. You can be an aunt like figure - someone here said that and it's a good role. I have taught SDs how to wash their hair (seriously they didn't know how at ages 7 & 9!), how to wash their face, how to use the clothes washer - but never repetitively. They know how, and if they don't do it, it's on them and DH, not me. Because I have no discipline power, period. Therefore I do not do things for them I have no ultimate control over.
If you get exhausted, because likely dad isn't pulling his weight and you are left doing it all - or at least feeling like you have to? Then schedule some things for yourself. I do a lot of errands, house-work (more than just cleaning more like re-painting rooms and large project things), visiting friends when SDs are with us.
Thanks again! You are so
Thanks again! You are so sweet!
Also, read the book
Also, read the book Stepmonster.
I got a lot out of it, more than any other parenting book.
All the chapters may not be relevant, but it puts some of the actions you find here, and situations described, into some sort of sense.
Your thoughts are your
Your thoughts are your reality and make certain you listen to your feelings. It will not get better unless your BF is capable of being a parent. If you read on this site, you will see how many men cannot parent at the full expense of the wife/girlfriend. As the child ages, this issue in the relationship only increases and is horrible when the child becomes an adult. If he is the child''s buddy, rather than parent, you will begin to have no voice in your own life and home. Before you are married, they usually treat you better (husband and Kid), so if you are seeing signs now...ughhhhh. Unfortunately, most of us had zero signs this was coming until we were in it knee deep.
If you have no children, I would give this some serious thought now, before it it too late.
Every one already said what I
Every one already said what I was thinking
Disengage Hon, you only do for SS what you want and when you feel like it, the rest of the issues... up to his parents.
If SS asks you something, smile and say, Oh Sweety that's a question for your Dad/Mom ....
Train your Fiance to start parenting his kid, it's not your responsibility
Read the link below - it saved my relationship but it's not happening over night, more like a year or so
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I understand how you're
I understand how you're feeling. Your SS sounds a lot like mine. I agree with what everyone else is saying. In your entire post, you don't mention what DH is doing to help the situation, so it seems like he isn't doing much. Plus, both of you probably can't make much changes in the boy since you guys only have him EOWE and since you only have him two weekends a month, he'll have a hard time making a quick adjustment to your household. Since it seems like DH doesn't see a problem with SS, I also suggest you disengage and avoid SS during the weekends you have him.
From my point of view, with my own situation, I don't think it gets better when you have a gut feeling about a problem child (even when a DH parents well). I was able to get DH on board with being what I consider a better parent, but it was easier because we had SS almost all the time (you may need to consider this for yourself as custody can change and you could have this child full-time). DH was also getting really frustrated by both SS and SD. SD flourished with the changes in our household, but she never exhibited the same behaviors as SS. He was manipulative, selfish, and highly emotional and was diagnosed with ADHD before I was in the picture. DH used to tell me that it was normal behavior for a child and I never spent much time with kids, so I didn't know better. With SS, we tried lots of different techniques with his behavior, but to this day SS is still a problem child. His behavior got worse when I was pregnant and my emotions during pregnancy didn't help with bonding with SS. As of now, though I'm cordial with SS, I don't like him and I'm disengaged for the most part. I am just trying to weather it out until SS is 18 (6 years from now) and not grow resentful because DH and I have a child and I'd like to keep us intact.