Need opinions on SD14's birthday

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Hey there,

So, SD turns 14 tomorrow. She hasn't called or responded to DH's calls or texts or emails in more than a month. He's tried once a week to contact her, leaving her messages and texts.

He busted her using my daughter's cell phone to have phone sex with her 13 yr old boyfriend at our place after we'd gone to bed. That's the last time she's spoken to him or has come over to our place, saying she'd rather stay at her mom's (6 miles away). We've tried the forcing technique, it hasn't worked for anyone and frankly, if she wants to have her head up her deadbeat mother's ass and stay there, I certainly have NO issue with that!

He says he plans on just dropping a birthday card with some cash in it on her doorstep tomorrow morning.

I've gotten mixed opinions from other people we know. Some say "don't bother, if she can't return his calls or answer the door, forget it - she doesn't deserve anything for her birthday". Others have said she deserves to be taken to dinner and that's it. And still others have said "leave a gift for her".

I echo another poster's opinion here and am staying out of it with the motto HIS KID = HIS PROBLEM. He can handle it any way he sees fit, I'm just wondering what y'all would do in this situation?

Thanks,
Mel

Thanks. I am not sure what

Thanks. I am not sure what he'll end up doing, but he said he planned on doing a card with money in it. If her mother happens to find out there's cash, she'll likely take some (or all) of it as she's done before, which is why I'm against giving her money, but whatever.

And she always blames her dad for everything. It was her dad's fault she was having phone sex with the boyfriend cuz dad banned the two of them from being together after they were caught having sex at age 13!!! SO, now they can only have phone sex she says!

And since she was grounded from her cell phone at our place, she told my daughter that hers was broken which is why she left it at her mom's that night and could she borrow hers? This kid sickens me!

Thanks and I agree with you

Thanks and I agree with you 100%. I'll definitely let him know and see what happens tomorrow!

If a kid cant be bothered to

If a kid cant be bothered to even SPEAK to their parent-why on earth would you purchase them a gift? What sort of message does this send? To me, it's almost as if your dh is kissing her ass with his repeated calls, texts, and now gifts when she is treating him like poo even though she was the one with the inappropriate behavior. If a person cant be bothered with having a relationship with you, then they should not receive the benefits of that relationship. Perhaps what I might do is mail a nice card-wishing her a nice birthday and he can let her know he loves her. That's it.

We have similar issues with my ss. Last year, he ignored my dh and the rest of us for 5 months. Didnt visit, didnt call-when my dh called him ss ignored the calls or made up excuses as to why he didnt visit or make any effort to speak or see any of us. He was pissed, because dh was mad at him for growing marijuana in his bm's front yard. He was not angry at his bm for kicking him out of the house, but was mad at dh for lecturing him and talking to him about it-so mad he stole my son's clothes, burnt holes in our sofa (on purpose), snuck alcohol out of our fridge, and told my dh he was the biggest piece of crap ever. So he went off to my mil's to live and ignored us for 5 months-until the magical month of December when he started calling dh and telling him that he wanted to start visiting us again regularly. The calls literally started the 1st day of December. Yet he didnt make it over to visit (despite only being 10 minutes away)until, surprise, December 25th. He came over for 15 mintues, got his gifts, and left. Guess what? SS is currently not visiting us. He only calls when he wants or needs something-when he doesnt get it we dont hear from him for long periods of time. Guess when he will want to start visiting again?

Last year, dh and I agreed on the gifts for ss-we werent sure at that point if he was genuine or not in his desire to work on relationships (although I was certainly doubtful)so we gave him the benefit of the doubt-although we spent only maybe 1/2 of what we spent on the resident kids of our household. This year, my input will only be, "I'm not getting him anything, but you should do whatever you feel comfortable with". My guess is that dh will do nothing, but if ss14 shows up at the door, he will cough up some cash.

I honestly thought for sure

I honestly thought for sure (as did DH and my DD14) that SD14 would call at least a day or two before her birthday because she's very materialistic and uses people to get things. So far, nothing, but the day is still early!

And yes, I am totally staying out of it. Won't remind him tomorrow or ask what he's planning to do. Haven't brought up SD14 in at least 2 weeks. Only then, I told him that I support him no matter what he decides.

She may be materialistic, but

She may be materialistic, but she's getting FAR too much mileage out of punishing him by not having contact with him. This is a huge hissy fit she's throwing! SO....birthday or not....why would he want to reward a hissy fit?

Oh she's probably just

Oh she's probably just punishing him by denying him the privilege of interacting with her in any way on her bday. Christmas before last, ss hadnt spoken to any of us in about 2 months-dh was actually away for the military-so not much he could do-but ss would never contact me or the other kids-although we would leave messages for him on facebook and such. Since he wasnt speaking to us, I didnt bother to send him a gift. Wished him merry christmas on facebook though as did my son. He ignored both the messages. However, he did message me about 2 weeks later. It was the "Wow, I cant believe they didnt send me a gift even though I'm an ass" moment. He never brought up his lack of gift, but he talked to me for like 5 minutes and when it became apparent that I wasnt saying, "Oh, ss we have xyz gifts for you here-should I mail them or do you want to come get them"-he abruptly got off and didnt speak to me again until April. Which coincidentally is the month of his bday.