First of all, this is my first post. I've read a bit here but now I need some advice.

I'm posting this because I'd like to vent and (B) I truly want some constructive advice and/or criticism.

I am a new SF to two children - SD07 and SS09 - but have been with their BM for about 3 years (we married recently).
Both children are generally sweet, well-behaved kids - my situation could be worse and that's what I'm trying to prevent. My SD07 is very sweet, respectful, loving and easy to deal with. We have the occasional, normal issues with her (not finishing homework, fighting with brother, not listening, etc) but she responds well when her mom and I correct the behavior and she rarely argues or throws a fit. She's very easy and I have a great relationship with her.

My SS09 on the other hand is incredibly difficult. He is respectful and polite to other adults (almost like Eddie Haskell) - including my parents and in-laws. He behaves well in public and does fine in school. It's almost as if he is turning on his poor behavior just for me and his mom. This is incredibly frustrating because the other adults in his life don't recognize the behavior we're dealing with and think we're too hard on him. It's hard to address the issues with the in-laws because they think he is perfect. In our home, he is very arrogant, rude, disrespectful, bossy, unappreciative, uncooperative and spoiled by his grandparents. I have bent over backwards for him while his BF is often absent and disappoints the kids on a regular basis. He often misses their sports activities, tells them they can visit him and then changes plans at the last minute, leaves them with his relatives on HIS weekends, etc, etc. On the other hand I take him to practice regularly, take him to special places (ie out to eat, ice cream, Toys R Us) to make him feel better when his BF ditches him, and make countless other attempts to be an overall positive male influence in his life. Yet, he is still very disrespectful to me, rarely says "thank you", argues with me about literally EVERYTHING and makes just about any attempt he can to be disruptive at home. He is unwilling to help his mom and I unless there is something in it for him. He rolls his eyes and resents doing most of what we ask him to do. He is a "fairness Nazi" and is constantly whining about things not being even between his sister and him even though we make a great effort to make sure things are fair between them because of his mentality - often doing more for him to avoid his fits. He is manipulative and will do anything in his power to not do what he is asked to do. When I try to talk to him about his poor choices in behavior, he often looks away or laughs at me or dissects what I am saying to him and argues with me. For example (and this is what prompted me to post this message), I simply asked the kids to make their beds this morning. This is their morning routine and they are expected to do it. But in his usual, defiant way, my SS just threw the blanket on the bed and walked away. When I called him back to fix it, he began to argue with me. This was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I told him he was very disrespectful and reminded him that I had just given him a "$25" GC to the itunes store and loaded it on his iPad so that he can download some games. I did this for him last night while his sister helped me and my wife clean the garage for several hours. Sadly, its easier to just let him play video games than to try and coerce him to help out (his sister volunteered FYI). When I reminded him this morning that I do nice things for him regularly and he didn't even say "thank you" when I stopped everything I was doing to help him, his response was "well...it was actually only a $15 gift card". I hope you understand just how infuriating that comment was. He has absolutely no regard for what you say to him and only cares about what others can do for him. He does not seem to appreciate anything his mom and I do for him and is unwilling to cooperate with us most of the time. All I asked the kid to do was fix his bed the right way - the way he is supposed to do it every day. I realize this may seem like an insignificant issue by itself, but when you wake up to it and walk in the door from work to it EVERY DAY, it gets exhausting.

I told my wife this morning what happened and told her that Im done with him. I refuse to spend another dollar on him, take him anywhere or give him any more special privileges. I'm completely over it. His behavior is dismantling our otherwise healthy relationship and he causes a great deal of stress in our house. I tried to explain this to my wife but of course she can't seem to see it from my perspective. I'm afraid his behavior is going to get worse as he grows into his pre-teen and teen years and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I want to correct it but often I feel like I don't have the support of my wife or family. I would do anything to protect his well-being but other than that, I don't care. When he is not around, I don't miss him or think about him. I hate that I feel this way but it has honestly gotten to that point. I want to have a better relationship with him but I simply cannot accept his behavior nor look past it or tolerate it in my home.

Sorry for the very long post but I would love some advice from others who are in my position.