Need Advice (Custody of SS or pay Child Support?)
Here's our situation. Stepson is 13 and was living with us until this past August. DH never made bio-mom pay any child support at all these past 4 years he lived with us. Stepson decided he wanted to live with his mom so DH let him starting this current school year. Lo and behold, once ss was living with her and enrolled in school Bio-mom filed for custody and child support, which pissed DH off. I have LOVED not having stepson living with us for many reasons. It has been a major sigh of relief/joy and a feeling of peace for me that I just never had before. I literally had such happiness regarding him going to live with his mom. DH and I have 2 young children (an infant and toddler). I work full time from home and life is very hectic and stressful most days just dealing with normal mommy duties and a full time workload, but it's fine and manageable. I LOVE being a mom and I am so thankful to work from home so i make do with everything. DH's attorney says since he still technically has court ordered custody of stepson we should just keep stepson back at our house after the school year and then DH's attorney will file to dismiss the mom's custody/support case and also turn around and get bio-mom for child support. This would mean stepson would be back living with us at the end of this school year.....
My dilemma: If stepson stayed living with his mom, we would get hit hard with a HUGE amount of child support each month(which is freakin' ridiculous!!), yet I wouldn't have to deal with the aggravation and issues with having him live with us full time. On the other hand, if he did come back to live with us one main issue for me is this: I wake up and get both of my babies up, dressed and fed (barely any time to dress and feed myself). Then infant and I drop toddler off at school/daycare and then infant and I come home and I work all day while caring for infant's needs as well. This is quite stressful some days and my days are literally nonstop. I cook dinner and I then take infant and we go pick up toddler from school. As soon as we get home and walk in the door I feed toddler and many times infant needs to a bottle around this same time..very hectic. I make do of it all and get everything taken care of. Toddler has an early bedtime on his own doing since he wakes up so early...he's ready to go to sleep by 6-6:30 every night. I don't mind this because after he's asleep it gives me time to unwind a little before I have to go to bed as well and start all over the next day. By the end of the day I am totally exhausted as I barely have time for myself and my days are just nonstop (typical working mom). Let me add, my husband gets home from work most days 6pm or later just depending on his work so I am left doing everything myself. Well, if we throw stepson into the mix that would mean my husband would expect me to pick SS up from athletics (practices and games)at the end of the day on top of everything else I do. This means after my long exhausting nonstop day, instead of after toddler eats dinner and a little playtime then putting him in bed I would have to pack up toddler AND infant and drive to stepson's school and pick him up from practice/game. Then lug them all back home and deal with possibly feeding infant, bath for toddler, and putting him to bed all way past his normal bedtime (dealing with cranky, sleepy toddler). Just thinking of what all that would entail is just ridiculous to me. We aren't dealing with older kids, but these are babies and just getting them into car seats and going anywhere is a major ordeal in itself!
DH and I got into it the other night because he basically has that expectation of me to do all of that each day with stepson living here. I was pissed because I felt as though he totally disregards how stressful my days already are and how much I do. Not only that, but that would make my days even longer and MORE stressful with babies with that disruption and hassle. His response, "other people do it all of the time." Whatever...some people may, but how many have young infants and are doing it all alone sicne the spouse is still at work and not helping at all?
I thought of a solution and sent him a text that if stepson was to come live with us we could hire someone to pick him up from school in the evenings if need be. He never even responded to my text. Ridiculous. I feel that would be the best solution if his son came to live with us....he's totally not taking me into any type of consideration.
I just need opinions on this. Am I being unreasonable? Is his expectation unreasonable? WHat would you do? I also don't know which is worse/better...being stuck paying a boatload of child support or being stuck with the stepson living with us and all that encompasses? Please share your thoughts. Sorry so long. :/
Let me add, there is really
Let me add, there is really no relationship between ss and me. It's like having a stranger living in my house when he is here. In the beginning I tried, but after a while I stop stopped trying or caring.
Honestly, if someone gave me
Honestly, if someone gave me that option, I would pay child support in a heart beat to not have to deal with my skids full time. But neither bio mom even wants visitation, let alone custody, so no hope of that.
I think you need to figure out how much paying child support would affect your finances. And have a serious conversation (not through texting) about what your concerns are with both optons. It sounds like he wants his son back, but is it just do to the money, or does he miss his kid? I mean, he willingly gave him up to the mom, so it almost seems like its just a money issue.
"other people do it all the
"other people do it all the time" then why doesn't HE do it? I don't know why you're even worrying about it, tell DH you will NOT be doing drop off/ pick up and he'll have to make other arraingements. When we had psuedo step CTBB I also had an infant and toddler, but I only worked part time, so I didn't mind it. But that being said my DH was very mindful that this was HIS nephew I was carting around and helped whenever he could, even coming home on lunch at times to ferry CTBB home from summer school. (before he dropped out and ran back to enabling MIL). All this being said, I'd want him to stay w/ mom anyway if I was in your shoes!
Let the ss stay with mom, pay
Let the ss stay with mom, pay the cs and everyone will *almost* have what they want. Here's why...
1. The reason he did not go after child support is bc he knew it would not be much, hence why she would be awarded a buttload- obviously dh makes a LOT more than bm.
2. The child is 13 and it's what he wants. At this age, the judge will weigh that heavily.
3. The only reason dh is changing his mind is bc of the child support issue. That's not right. Anyway, a 13 year old eats a lot. Subtract what he was costing you in clothes, food, transportation, etc. and cs isn't costing you as much as you might think.
4. It gets rid of the issue of you being expected to drive ss all over, which imo is just INSANE.
His attorney just wants more money, so he will tell your dh what he wants to hear. Doesn't mean it will be the right thing. If dh agreed w/ ss going to bm's, that shouldn't change just because the bm now needs cs. And if he's been there since the school year, a judge isn't going to reverse it anyway. As far as you are concerned, the money he is paying will give you the peace you need. Well worth it!
The fact that DH didn't take
The fact that DH didn't take out child support on BM is not the issue. yes, he's kicking himself in the butt (and so am I) but whatever we aren't concerned with that at this point.
I haven't told DH that he can't have his son live with us. The conversation was me telling him, IF his son comes he cannot expect me to do the whole commuting SS from sports in the evenings due to my already hectic full load everyday. DH took that and said, "FINE, if you want to pay out of the butt for child support every month then don't come blaming me!" DH is the one who is acting like if I don't drive ss then ss cannot be enrolled in sports and so ss will need to live with BM....thus, everything is my fault in his rationale. It's ridiculous to blame me for any of this if you ask me!
You are right, it's
You are right, it's completely ridiculous for him to blame you, but isn't that what we do when we don't get our way? Stay firm in your stance, I think your solution is perfect actually. I'm sure paying a driver for your son is much cheaper then CS every month. Maybe he can even find a ride with a friend.
Even if he were your own son you would need a break. And since he isn't it really is up to your DH to figure it out.
Also, what does the SS say? Who does he want to live with? Why?
Can the BM pick SS up from games? I don't know how willing to work with you she is.
At any rate, there are lots of possible solutions to this problem and none of them include you doing all the work. If you cannot do it without wearing yourself down then you just can't, is that what your DH wants? A completely worn out wife who is resentful and bitter? Probably not.
Take care of yourself and you will be more capable of caring for others.
Thank you everyone and
Thank you everyone and @my.kids.mom I couldn't agree with you more!
Doesn't SS have any FRIENDS
Doesn't SS have any FRIENDS in sports who's parents wouldn't mind giving him a ride home? Around here, you can get a school DL and drive yourself to and from school/related activities at 15, sometimes 14.5. Or here's a crazy thought, his BM can take some parental responsibility (w/o receiving CS) and taxi him around to his activities. Or DH can take responsibility for HIS kid and do it himself. Maybe go into work earlier to make it work
My skids were/are also not
My skids were/are also not allowed to help with baby care. They are both careless and have a cruel streak (stepping on the cat on purpose, pinching/hitting other kids), my SD in particular. I just can't trust them with even the simplest of tasks.