My boyfriend's daughter might come to live with us...... i am scared!
So in a nut shell; my boyfriend's almost 10 yr. old daughter is apparently so difficult that her mom says she doesnt' know if they can live together anymore. (mind you mom just had a new baby with her hubby about 1.5 years ago).
a little background: We live in California and the daughter and mom live in Indiana. So, visits are not that often. She comes out here for school vacations and about a month in the summer. Plus my boyfriend goes there to see her for weekends here and there.
apparently with in the past year she (my boyufriend's daughter) has copped a pretty bad attitude with her mother. I have noticed this when she is at our house. However, it has never been so bad that we had a screaming match. She also seems to think (or acts like it) that she shouldnt' have to do anything for herself or anyone else, said she didn't want her dad and i to have a baby in the future b/c she wont' get enough attention and has taken to "acting" and perfecting her acting skills at home (which means telling stories and seeing who will believe her).
My boyfriend and I have not witnessed the extreme behavior her mother talks of but apparently the daughter and her are at eachother's throats. This past week the daughter screamed at the top of her lungs " i hate my life, i hate my life". Now the mother says if counseling doesn't work that she has to live somewhere else...... meaning our home.
Of course we would love to have her, but personally i am afraid of how it all shakes out. i mean, if she's this bad for her mom how will she act when she realizes that Dad's house is not all fun and games? I knwo there's layers of disfunction is this whole situation... .but i love my boyfriend and want to make it work.
any advice, thoughts???
any advice, thoughts???
I don't know what advice to
I don't know what advice to give, but I can certainly empathize with you're being extremely nervous about the possibility of her living with you.
How does the kid act around you guys?
Maybe a change would do her good. Sounds like the kid has some considerable issues. She's a drama queen, she obviously feels she's not getting enough attention. What's next? Cutting, suicide attempts? Perhaps mom's not handling the new baby and SD very well. I can see where the kid if she was mom's first priority for eight years would become unhinged if a baby and stepdad wander in. It's also possible there's something going on in the home that's making it not the best environment for her. Also, kids are hitting their teen years earlier and earlier it seems and I hear a lot of girls start severely butting heads with their moms at that point. Maybe it's partially just that phase of her development and she's taking it to the extreme with the acting out.
It'll be interesting to see what counseling does for her.
i would be freaking out and
i would be freaking out and would be doing anything and everything possible to prevent sd from moving in with you & bf... while still trying to seem supportive..
I think perhaps a good idea
I think perhaps a good idea might be to sit down with your husband,and discuss everything from discipline,boundries,and expectations.Hopefully,it would mean that should your husband diviate from these agreements due to the guilty parenting kicking in,it would give you the oppurtunity to remind him of the agreements that took place between the two of you.When we had one of our adult step son's with us for a while,he literally just turned up,and made himself at home,no boundries,or rules,or expectations were discussed with him,and as a consequence,he did as he pleased whilst being rude and abnoxious at the same time.As long as yourself and husband are on the same page,work to a plan and share a goal,you'll be fine.
Thanks for the thoughts all!
Thanks for the thoughts all!
Confused68: that was my first thought when i started hearing about my SD possibly coming to live with us... in my head: "how can you even think of shipping her away when you can't handle her?!!"
i am a child of divroce and grew up with a pretty chaotic home life. my mom and i did not get along that well, but if my mother ever offered to hand me over to my dad when i was trouble.. i would have felt soooo upset!
stepmasochist: in answer to your question... my SD has acted differently the times i have been around her a(keep in mind i dont' get to see her that often). this summer was my first time spending a full month with her living at our home.... and it was rough at times... but never any uncontrollable tantrums. She definitely has mood swings. Some times she acts like my little mini me, wanting to do EVERYTHING with me. which is fun and falttering, but exhausting. Somtimes she acts like a little pre-madonna, expecting Daddy to give in to her and do everything for her, which dad is working on. So, all in all.... i don't think she is that bad to deal with. But definitely adjusts to her surroundings. ie: pulls crap with poeple she thinks she can.
I know i am not a parent (althought i was bascially a second my mother to my younegr brothers and have been doing child care since i was a teenager)... i can't imagine NOT being able to deal with a 9 year old. what is it going to be like when she's a teenager!
And despite all this i still would love to have ehr live with us full time. But not under these circumstances....
Sounds like kiddo is having a
Sounds like kiddo is having a really rough time sharing mom with the new baby. If she does end up coming to live with you, I would find a good child therapist who can help her deal with her emotions and express them in a healthy way because what she is doing now is expressing her emotions - but in an unhealthy way. she is probably very confused about how she feels and why she feels that way. bm is probably very stressed out with an infant and the daughter who is acting out. perhaps some time with you guys would be good for the kiddo. If she brings up you and her dad having a baby together to you or h, i would simply reassure her that a new child would not replace her or subtract any of her fathers love from her, but that a new baby does need alot of time and attention, perhaps you could bring her into it by saying if and when you have a child together, kiddo can help you decorate the baby's room, be a good big sister by helping pick out cute baby clothes and toys etc.
Like others above me have said, a good schedule that you stick to every day works wonders for kids, with a set bed time and reasonable rules and constant, never changing consequences for the same actions that kids know about. Give it some time, all of you will have to adjust, thats alot of change for a ten year old.
Sounds like a bad idea to me,
Sounds like a bad idea to me, to uproot an already acting out 10YO and move her across the country to a new home, new school, new friends etc and expect that is going to solve all the problems. Upon setting foot in your house, she is already going to have the idea in her head that she is there as a punishment and probably everything you and BF do will be resented.
What would BM do if there was no "dad" to send her to?? She would have to work it out of course! Which is what I think you and BF should insist she do!
yes, i agree about the BM
yes, i agree about the BM using our house as an out to not have to deal with her daughter! not cool at all!(making me confirm what i DON'T want to do when i am actually a mother). Since writing this, i have talked with my boyfriend/partner and we both agree that we want to do all we can to not have his daighter move here under these circumstances. If she (the kid) wants to move here on her own (her idea) or even b/c she feels she can not be "happy" living with her mother, then we would entertain the idea more. (but maybe when she's old enough to make that decision.)
As for her behaivor issues... its hard b/c we only see her every 3 months or so....
my BF talks to her on the phone every other day, but you can't have too much of a serious conversation with a 9 yr. old on the telephone, Ya Know! I feel like my hands are tied behind my back b/c i have to listen to all this drama but i cant' really do much b/c the next time i will most likley see the kiddo is next spring break!! (unless her mother decides to ship her off to us... haha)
soooo frustrating.... i feel like i just want to tune it all out, but then i dont' want to act like i dont' care... but i can't really do anything right now.. except listen.