At work people always correct me and say "stepmom" or when I call them my kids someone will correct me and say "your bf's kids". I hate this! I do all the things a MOM does! and in my opinion MORE!
Call them out on it, tell them "I raise them", so should I stop doing that since i'm not their mom? I'd be like GREAT WOO HOO, who knew I didn't have to do SHIT for these kids because i'm not their MOTHER, hoo ray, let the fun begin....maybe they will look at how assanine they are being. YOU RAISE THEM, you can be considered MOM....
They get paid I do believe. So by that logic should I start charging my DH every time I wipe a runny nose, iron her uniforms for school, pick her up early and take her for ice cream, host her birthday party because her "real" mom didn't have time for her? Or should I send the "real" mom a bill at the end of every month.
I'm fine not being called "mom." I'm fine with being stepmom. I love it actually. But what I hate is being compared to a babysitter.
Well, as long as we feed, bath, are there for theses so called "not our kids" we are good. But when we name them our stepkids and say that we are moms too, everybody feels offended.
I raise my stepson 24/7, pay for his medical insurance, bath him, feed him,do the homework with him,make decisions about his life because...guess what...precious "mommy" who gave birth to him decided to abandon him when he was 2 years old and live her life. And now when he is a bit older and well-educated, she wants to play the "mommy" role.Too late for her! She has already missed a lot of the good things in his life.
So...who I am in his life?
I dare someone saying I am not his mother...even a stepmother...when I take care of him full time.
Other cases are different.
^^^ so true!! but so sad. NO one in my DH's family has EVER said to me what agood job I am doing of helping him with skids, not one person says 'you know what, you really are great with those kids and thank you for putting in 100% with them' does my head in!!
Teaching kids to be grateful is one thing. For extras and going above and beyond and being an overall stellar parent? Sure, one would assume a kid would recognize this with time and be grateful for a good parent.
Teaching them to say thank you to you for providing the basic necessities is different.
Feeding them, getting them to school, bathing them, dressing them, helping with homework, etc .. these are all basic requirements that parents are obligated to do when they have a child. As a custodial biological mother, you can not simply stop doing any one of them because you're not getting recognition. It is abuse and neglect. A child should not have to thank you for fulfilling the minimum responsibilities that come with reproducing.
As a stepmother, you absolutely can choose to stop doing any one of those things (within reason), because you have no legal right or responsibility to that child.
Legally, I am not responsible to raise him. But morally and humanly, yes I am. And I am not talking about him saying thank you for being provided with necessities. But I would not like it years later my stepson going back to his biological mother and not looking back at who raised him in fact and putting his biological mother on a pedestal just because he gave him birth. I am not saying that he does not need to be respectful to her as we teach him to have manners. She does not do anything for him other than parenting out of guilt.
Like Anywho78 said earlier, there are good mothers and bad mothers, good mothers and bad mothers.
BMs who have kids just to secure their financial future is not good. The child will end up being hurt and abandoned.
I am going to take the credit for raising my stepson and I am thanked for that.Thank God! Otherwise, I would have disengaged completely no matter how much I had loved my husband.
I am my stepson's mother.
I tell them "your right..I didn't give birth to them but I do all of the Mother stuff when Skids are with us." In my twisted line of thoughts, I believe it takes the community to raise the kid as well as the adults in the child's home. Therefor everybody who corrects other peoples children are parent figures accept for the few that go over board in correcting or crosses boundaries.
Anyways, you are a parent figure who has Mommy duties. I'm assuming that you feel the sense of responsibilities of a BM and others under don't give you that credit. Its normal that others don't "get it" maybe cause they never been a Step parent.
In such a situation, I would try to view things in her perspective. Maybe she hears you say your a Mother too (or how ever) and takes it like a joke. I mean she pushed out hers and doesn't get a break from the kid.
I think so many women (and society in general) feel that way because a) most women don't want another woman "mom-ing" their child, b) nobody is wired to want a stepparent in any capacity, and c) it's unnatural to most to see/know about BMs that voluntarily do not do the mom things for their kids. And many would claim that babysitters do the "mom" things for kids when Mom herself cannot.
Well, most biological mothers don't do for their kids what they are supposed to do, more so then that, they don't care about their kids from various reasons, they should be grateful someone else takes care of their kids.
I think it is a matter of jealousy and pride.
CheriWilson,
Maybe your situation is different. My stepson's biological mother does not do for him what she is supposed to do. She is just the every 2-3 months "mommy". And even when she has him, he is dirty,tired, does not get a decent meal and does not follow any rules.
Same here. My SO is custodial parent with BM seeing the SKids for 1-2 weeks once a year. Hell, she doesn't even call them or skype with them regularly. She didn't even bother sending the Skids Christmas gifts.
CheriWilson, me thinks that you generalize a little too much. Just because you've run into some fanfreakingtabulous mommy's doesn't mean that all or even most of the BM's that we deal with are great parents.
From your original response to Silver Ring: "often the mother is the only reliable parent"
Your saying this statement brought fathers into the conversation.
This is a generalization. This is what I was referring to. To say that "often the mother is the only reliable parent" is complete B.S. and plays into the misconception that society holds on the importance (or lack thereof) of the father's place in a child's life. I have seen both mothers and fathers be crap parents. I've seen children with issues caused by both the mother or the father. To say that one is better than the other (as a generalization) is biased & incorrect.
I am not generalizing. I am just stating what I have observed.
In my case, yes my stepson's biological mother does not do for him what other mothers do.
I do not like being called the mother of my step kid and I will correct people when they call me his mom.
If people say "your son" I say " my step son" and when someone asks ic I'm his mom, I say "I'm his step mom"
Tue reason is because I will never take credit fod something I didn't do. He has a mother in his life and she does take care of him as a mother should so she is the only person who deserves to be called his mother. As much as I dislike her and even if I was doing alot for stepson I wouldn't call my self his mom and I'm sure many people know that many step moms in this world do take care of their step kids...but there is a resson why we are callled step moms...we don't have any legal rights.
Why would you even want to be called the mother of a child unless you've adopted that kid, I don't get it? I have a baby and if God forbid hubby and I seperate and he gets remarried...the new woman will never be the mother of my child, she will be a part oc his life and thats about it...it doesn't change who the mother is unless I abandon my child and disappear. But as long as I'm in my child's life I am and will always be his mother. I carried him for nine months. I am breastfeeding him and staying up with him throuh the night. He came out of my body and if one day some one thinks she can call herself his mother because she is with his father you bet I will give her a piece of my mind and she better watch out.
I will not stand back and watch how my stepson's biological mother takes the credit for not raising her child. And I am not talking about just being in the child's life. Doing the hard work.She does not do that. She is the weekend or every 2-3 months mother. She does not pay anything for him,does not respect any of the work my husband and I are doing.
She ABANDONED the child when he was 2 years old and later decided that being psychically in his life will help her ease the guilt feelings.
And I am not generalizing. There are biological mothers...since some ladies got offended...who take care of and are active in their children's lives.
But this particular BM is NOT.
I'd be horribly pissed at some woman saying she is mom to my kids, but the difference is I take care of my kids, I do all a mom is supposed to, where my exh's gf does not and I don't expect her to as they aren't her responsibility.
I've kept her at a distance for the last year as well who knew how long she'd actually be around (exh moved her in before they even started "dating") she's been around a bit now and I saw what a terrible parent she was to her own kid so again kept her as uninvolved as I could from my kids.
In the last 4 months I've seen an interesting change based on what I hear from her dd and my kids, she's decided to step up to the parenting plate with her own terror of a teenager and reign her in. Why now at 14 probably got it from my exh watching him parent, seeing how our kids behave do well in school, are respectful etc and her dd hated being parented all the sudden and I told her why it was good for her to have her mom set boundaries and expectations and that it really showed how important her dd was to her. Of course her dd isn't allowed to get a ride to school from me cause "she might bad mouth us" (exh and gf)but I'm not that childish.
So I've seen growth at my kids other home and let her in a little, encouraged the kids to make sure they invite her to their event personally not just me texting their dad that "they are invited" but making sure she knows from them she's included. Encouraging them to get her a birthday card, teach her how to cook the things they like. Accepting if my dd can't get a ride from me to school or pick up the kids at school when sick the the gf can if she WANTS to but that we have others who can help if she chooses not to. I try to make her feel comfortable around me at events by keeping my distance but being cordial and polite. Her dd often accompanies mine at events on their dads time to come talk to me but I always think about how long they've been hanging with me and send them back after a bit so it doesn't seem like I'm I don't know just not hogging time I suppose.
But she's not mom, she's not even technically stepmom she's another person in my kids life that seems to finally be growing up enough to maybe have positive influence on them rather than the selfish party, drugs and tattoo's it started out as (probably cause exh is doing the same to her as me and won't financially help out so she had to get a job and support them all) my kids do call her stepmom it's easier than dad's gf I'm fine with that. I'd hope if she ever thought I was slacking as a mom and she was doing more than me she'd come tell me cause I love being a good mom, and I like that she seems to like my kids I don't want her to resent that, course I do know she's been totally pissed he has to pay CS and back CS and is all over him to try and change that but it won't happen not as long as exh lifestyle stays the way it is.
And I agree with you, Lalena75. I would be mad too. But in my case, the BM of my stepson does not even care that another woman is raising her child.( 0f course, not alone...but when my husband is out of town with his job...that happens every 2-3 months...I have the responsibility of raising the child.) The BM does not even pay child support because she had someone( her sister) to teach her how to manipulate the system. When I met my husband, he was in a custody fight and wasted a lot of money on courts and lawyers because she used to file protective orders against my husband in every state she would go. In the end, my husband stopped filing petitions. She was the one who came back renouncing her parental rights and dumping the boy on us.That was almost 4 years ago. Since then she just plays the "mommy" role whenever it is convenient for her and sits well with her image in front of others.
I am so sick of it.
And then, here she comes..."I am his mommy".After all the work we do.
I don't expect anybody to put me on a pedestal or give me any medals. But I expect a thank you.
Moms who adopt didn't give
Moms who adopt didn't give birth, either, but they are still Moms.
At work people always correct
At work people always correct me and say "stepmom" or when I call them my kids someone will correct me and say "your bf's kids". I hate this! I do all the things a MOM does! and in my opinion MORE!
Call them out on it, tell
Call them out on it, tell them "I raise them", so should I stop doing that since i'm not their mom? I'd be like GREAT WOO HOO, who knew I didn't have to do SHIT for these kids because i'm not their MOTHER, hoo ray, let the fun begin....maybe they will look at how assanine they are being. YOU RAISE THEM, you can be considered MOM....
^^^^love it!^^^^
^^^^love it!^^^^
Nanny's and babysitters do
Nanny's and babysitters do all that too, but they are not the mother either.
SM is not MOM. I am a SM and I never considered myself their mom.
They get paid I do believe.
They get paid I do believe. So by that logic should I start charging my DH every time I wipe a runny nose, iron her uniforms for school, pick her up early and take her for ice cream, host her birthday party because her "real" mom didn't have time for her? Or should I send the "real" mom a bill at the end of every month.
I'm fine not being called "mom." I'm fine with being stepmom. I love it actually. But what I hate is being compared to a babysitter.
Well, as long as we feed,
Well, as long as we feed, bath, are there for theses so called "not our kids" we are good. But when we name them our stepkids and say that we are moms too, everybody feels offended.
I raise my stepson 24/7, pay for his medical insurance, bath him, feed him,do the homework with him,make decisions about his life because...guess what...precious "mommy" who gave birth to him decided to abandon him when he was 2 years old and live her life. And now when he is a bit older and well-educated, she wants to play the "mommy" role.Too late for her! She has already missed a lot of the good things in his life.
So...who I am in his life?
I dare someone saying I am not his mother...even a stepmother...when I take care of him full time.
Other cases are different.
^^^ so true!! but so sad. NO
^^^ so true!! but so sad. NO one in my DH's family has EVER said to me what agood job I am doing of helping him with skids, not one person says 'you know what, you really are great with those kids and thank you for putting in 100% with them' does my head in!!
Really? You want your kids at
Really?
You want your kids at least to say thank you for what you offer them. You teach them to be grateful for what they are given. Is that right?
Teaching kids to be grateful
Teaching kids to be grateful is one thing. For extras and going above and beyond and being an overall stellar parent? Sure, one would assume a kid would recognize this with time and be grateful for a good parent.
Teaching them to say thank you to you for providing the basic necessities is different.
Feeding them, getting them to school, bathing them, dressing them, helping with homework, etc .. these are all basic requirements that parents are obligated to do when they have a child. As a custodial biological mother, you can not simply stop doing any one of them because you're not getting recognition. It is abuse and neglect. A child should not have to thank you for fulfilling the minimum responsibilities that come with reproducing.
As a stepmother, you absolutely can choose to stop doing any one of those things (within reason), because you have no legal right or responsibility to that child.
Legally, I am not responsible
Legally, I am not responsible to raise him. But morally and humanly, yes I am. And I am not talking about him saying thank you for being provided with necessities. But I would not like it years later my stepson going back to his biological mother and not looking back at who raised him in fact and putting his biological mother on a pedestal just because he gave him birth. I am not saying that he does not need to be respectful to her as we teach him to have manners. She does not do anything for him other than parenting out of guilt.
Like Anywho78 said earlier, there are good mothers and bad mothers, good mothers and bad mothers.
BMs who have kids just to secure their financial future is not good. The child will end up being hurt and abandoned.
Very well sad and true.
Very well sad and true.
I am going to take the credit
I am going to take the credit for raising my stepson and I am thanked for that.Thank God! Otherwise, I would have disengaged completely no matter how much I had loved my husband.
I am my stepson's mother.
I tell them "your right..I
I tell them "your right..I didn't give birth to them but I do all of the Mother stuff when Skids are with us." In my twisted line of thoughts, I believe it takes the community to raise the kid as well as the adults in the child's home. Therefor everybody who corrects other peoples children are parent figures accept for the few that go over board in correcting or crosses boundaries.
Anyways, you are a parent figure who has Mommy duties. I'm assuming that you feel the sense of responsibilities of a BM and others under don't give you that credit. Its normal that others don't "get it" maybe cause they never been a Step parent.
In such a situation, I would try to view things in her perspective. Maybe she hears you say your a Mother too (or how ever) and takes it like a joke. I mean she pushed out hers and doesn't get a break from the kid.
I think so many women (and
I think so many women (and society in general) feel that way because a) most women don't want another woman "mom-ing" their child, b) nobody is wired to want a stepparent in any capacity, and c) it's unnatural to most to see/know about BMs that voluntarily do not do the mom things for their kids. And many would claim that babysitters do the "mom" things for kids when Mom herself cannot.
Well, most biological mothers
Well, most biological mothers don't do for their kids what they are supposed to do, more so then that, they don't care about their kids from various reasons, they should be grateful someone else takes care of their kids.
I think it is a matter of jealousy and pride.
CheriWilson, Maybe your
CheriWilson,
Maybe your situation is different. My stepson's biological mother does not do for him what she is supposed to do. She is just the every 2-3 months "mommy". And even when she has him, he is dirty,tired, does not get a decent meal and does not follow any rules.
Same here. My SO is
Same here. My SO is custodial parent with BM seeing the SKids for 1-2 weeks once a year. Hell, she doesn't even call them or skype with them regularly. She didn't even bother sending the Skids Christmas gifts.
CheriWilson, me thinks that you generalize a little too much. Just because you've run into some fanfreakingtabulous mommy's doesn't mean that all or even most of the BM's that we deal with are great parents.
I'm not demonizing all
I'm not demonizing all mothers, but I'm not saying they are all great either.
I've seen WONDERFUL mothers
I've seen HORRIBLE mothers
I've seen WONDERFUL fathers
I've seen HORRIBLE fathers
This does not mean that MOST mothers are better parents than fathers, nor does it mean that MOST fathers are better parents than mothers.
I'm not generalizing...you are.
From your original response
From your original response to Silver Ring: "often the mother is the only reliable parent"
Your saying this statement brought fathers into the conversation.
This is a generalization. This is what I was referring to. To say that "often the mother is the only reliable parent" is complete B.S. and plays into the misconception that society holds on the importance (or lack thereof) of the father's place in a child's life. I have seen both mothers and fathers be crap parents. I've seen children with issues caused by both the mother or the father. To say that one is better than the other (as a generalization) is biased & incorrect.
I am not generalizing. I am
I am not generalizing. I am just stating what I have observed.
In my case, yes my stepson's biological mother does not do for him what other mothers do.
I do not like being called
I do not like being called the mother of my step kid and I will correct people when they call me his mom.
If people say "your son" I say " my step son" and when someone asks ic I'm his mom, I say "I'm his step mom"
Tue reason is because I will never take credit fod something I didn't do. He has a mother in his life and she does take care of him as a mother should so she is the only person who deserves to be called his mother. As much as I dislike her and even if I was doing alot for stepson I wouldn't call my self his mom and I'm sure many people know that many step moms in this world do take care of their step kids...but there is a resson why we are callled step moms...we don't have any legal rights.
Why would you even want to be called the mother of a child unless you've adopted that kid, I don't get it? I have a baby and if God forbid hubby and I seperate and he gets remarried...the new woman will never be the mother of my child, she will be a part oc his life and thats about it...it doesn't change who the mother is unless I abandon my child and disappear. But as long as I'm in my child's life I am and will always be his mother. I carried him for nine months. I am breastfeeding him and staying up with him throuh the night. He came out of my body and if one day some one thinks she can call herself his mother because she is with his father you bet I will give her a piece of my mind and she better watch out.
I will not stand back and
I will not stand back and watch how my stepson's biological mother takes the credit for not raising her child. And I am not talking about just being in the child's life. Doing the hard work.She does not do that. She is the weekend or every 2-3 months mother. She does not pay anything for him,does not respect any of the work my husband and I are doing.
She ABANDONED the child when he was 2 years old and later decided that being psychically in his life will help her ease the guilt feelings.
And I am not generalizing. There are biological mothers...since some ladies got offended...who take care of and are active in their children's lives.
But this particular BM is NOT.
I'd be horribly pissed at
I'd be horribly pissed at some woman saying she is mom to my kids, but the difference is I take care of my kids, I do all a mom is supposed to, where my exh's gf does not and I don't expect her to as they aren't her responsibility.
I've kept her at a distance for the last year as well who knew how long she'd actually be around (exh moved her in before they even started "dating") she's been around a bit now and I saw what a terrible parent she was to her own kid so again kept her as uninvolved as I could from my kids.
In the last 4 months I've seen an interesting change based on what I hear from her dd and my kids, she's decided to step up to the parenting plate with her own terror of a teenager and reign her in. Why now at 14 probably got it from my exh watching him parent, seeing how our kids behave do well in school, are respectful etc and her dd hated being parented all the sudden and I told her why it was good for her to have her mom set boundaries and expectations and that it really showed how important her dd was to her. Of course her dd isn't allowed to get a ride to school from me cause "she might bad mouth us" (exh and gf)but I'm not that childish.
So I've seen growth at my kids other home and let her in a little, encouraged the kids to make sure they invite her to their event personally not just me texting their dad that "they are invited" but making sure she knows from them she's included. Encouraging them to get her a birthday card, teach her how to cook the things they like. Accepting if my dd can't get a ride from me to school or pick up the kids at school when sick the the gf can if she WANTS to but that we have others who can help if she chooses not to. I try to make her feel comfortable around me at events by keeping my distance but being cordial and polite. Her dd often accompanies mine at events on their dads time to come talk to me but I always think about how long they've been hanging with me and send them back after a bit so it doesn't seem like I'm I don't know just not hogging time I suppose.
But she's not mom, she's not even technically stepmom she's another person in my kids life that seems to finally be growing up enough to maybe have positive influence on them rather than the selfish party, drugs and tattoo's it started out as (probably cause exh is doing the same to her as me and won't financially help out so she had to get a job and support them all) my kids do call her stepmom it's easier than dad's gf I'm fine with that. I'd hope if she ever thought I was slacking as a mom and she was doing more than me she'd come tell me cause I love being a good mom, and I like that she seems to like my kids I don't want her to resent that, course I do know she's been totally pissed he has to pay CS and back CS and is all over him to try and change that but it won't happen not as long as exh lifestyle stays the way it is.
And I agree with you,
And I agree with you, Lalena75. I would be mad too. But in my case, the BM of my stepson does not even care that another woman is raising her child.( 0f course, not alone...but when my husband is out of town with his job...that happens every 2-3 months...I have the responsibility of raising the child.) The BM does not even pay child support because she had someone( her sister) to teach her how to manipulate the system. When I met my husband, he was in a custody fight and wasted a lot of money on courts and lawyers because she used to file protective orders against my husband in every state she would go. In the end, my husband stopped filing petitions. She was the one who came back renouncing her parental rights and dumping the boy on us.That was almost 4 years ago. Since then she just plays the "mommy" role whenever it is convenient for her and sits well with her image in front of others.
I am so sick of it.
And then, here she comes..."I am his mommy".After all the work we do.
I don't expect anybody to put me on a pedestal or give me any medals. But I expect a thank you.