Mixed opinions about meeting the kids
Hey there. I haven't posted on anything like this before, but I'm so confused and really need to get some support around this. Sorry if i write too much... feel like I've got lots going on in my head about this.
I dont have kids of my own yet. I'd like to... i love kids... I'd love to be a mum. I've been a step parent once before, i was in his life for nearly 10 yrs until that relationship ended but i still interact with him, which is great. But i feel quite out of my depth in this new scenario.
So my new partner has 2 kids... a 7yr boy and 11yr girl. He's been divorced for nearly 2yrs. We've been together since the start of this year... so more than 9 months. He co parents with his ex. I haven't ever met the kids. He talks about them but is very reluctant to introduce us to each other. We're very committed to each other... we both feel as though we've found our person in the world. We talk about having babies, and being together for a long time, and we live together most of the time... except when his kids stay over (every 2nd weekend), when i have to move out for 3 days while the kids are there. I've asked many times to meet them, nothing big or intense... I'm ok not living here when they're here coz i don't want to rush anything and i want them to be comfortable. But i would like to meet them... for a few reasons... i want to see how we all get along (what if he and i are really committed and then it doesn't work out with them and we'd have to part ways?... worst case scenario), i want to see if i can live with that life, i want to see how he is with them, i want him to see how i am with them, and i want them to be aware that their dad has a significant person in his life before we make a massive commitment to each other. He keeps refusing, and I'm not sure if its for the kid's sake, his sake or perhaps even his ex's? He doesn't really engage in convo much whenever i broach the subject and i dont want to be pushy. I want to trust that things will happen when they should... but for me, its starting to become really important to me for our relationship and future in terms of progression. But he doesn't want a bar of it, he won't consider it in the future. He just keeps saying: "they're just babies and they're not ready." But i know they haven't been asked about meeting me. What is ready? Can waiting too long be detrimental to the situation? We're not rushing into it in my opinion... nearly 10 months i think is a fair time to make sure I'm going to stick around and to get to know me. And it feels like its time for me to see this massively important part of his life.
What do i do? Any ideas or points of view that might help me understand where he's coming from or what is going to be best for them?
Thanks so much and i look forward to hearing what you have to input 
It's a tough one. We waited
It's a tough one. We waited 12 months before I met the kids. By this time I was utterly smitten with him, had I met the kids sooner I probably would have been less attached to him and it would have been easier to bolt. Our relationship changed after I met them. Now I'm expected to spend time with them, do things with them, do things for them. We have very little time to ourselves now.
I enjoyed the time I had to myself when he had the kids. I enjoyed not having to watch kids tv, prepare food for fussy kids, listen to their long winded stories, remind them of basic manners...
If I could do it all again, I would have kept things as they were. There's no need for me to be involved with them. They have a Mum and a Dad already, parents who have hurt them by divorcing, parents who's attention they crave. Not mine.
Im really glad u reminded me
Im really glad u reminded me of this! Thank u.
I recall my last relationship and it did change after meeting the little guy. I'm not sure why I'm eager... prob more coz of what it symbolises. But you've given me a powerful reminder to enjoy it how it is. And you're so right... they have their parents... they dont need anything from me. Thanks again... really helpful
It's good that he's not
It's good that he's not introducing his kids to women he dates too early - but I'm not sure he's as committed to you as you think. Either that, or he's dreading (reasonably) the kids' or his ex's reaction to knowing he has a serious girlfriend. All fair reasons to be hesitant, but the bigger concern for me would be that he won't talk to you about it. That doesn't bode well for how he will communicate going forward. He should be able to discuss his concerns with you.
My Skid came on our first
My Skid came on our first date. He was 15mos old.
She offered to try to find a sitter. I refused and told her to bring him along. I didn’t feel it was right for me to expect for her to dump her kid. And I didn’t. From that day on it was the three musketeers until he reported for basic training at 18yo.
While I understand the concept of what your BF is navigating, how he is navigating it does not pass the smell test. Something is off. I’m not sure what it is.
I would dig into this and pin him down on the Skid issue before you take this relationship much further if I were you.
Have you actually fully moved
Have you actually fully moved in with him or do you just stay with him most of the time unless the kids are there?
He's keeping his two worlds, kids and BM/You separate for HIS comfort. It's not for the kids, it's so that he doesn't have to answer uncomfortable questions from them and their mother. You're there with him about 90% of the time and he's telling you everything you want to hear, babies, future, living together a long time, and what exactly does a long time actually mean? You're the main shebang until "the babies" come and then you are moved out and made non existent. I'm betting he erases any trace of you being there at all.
On his part I totally get it, he has his female companion who he's trained to come and go as it suits him and his family situation stays the same. Win for him. You're being made all sorts of promises then shooed off for 2 weekends a month and you're going along with it. I'd stop questioning why he's doing what he's doing but why in the H#ll are you settling for such an on call crap arrangement?!
Get some respect for yourself and find a companion who is truly available for the kind of relationship you want, this guy is not.
I don't like parents who
I don't like parents who introduce a new person to kids often or too quickly. The revolving door is too much for kids to digest. Ten months is still a new relationship when you're talking about a lifetime together.
Maybe he thinks the relationship is too new to involve the kids. I agree. He can take it if you split, but he might not want his kids to experience another of his breakups at such young ages.
Or maybe he's not as committed to the relationship as you are. It might be a sign that he's not that sure about your relationship, which is fine after only 10 months. You may talk about a future together, but...some men have been known to lie to get what they want while they still want it.
Maybe he doesn't want to complicate your young, fun relationship with kids right now. Maybe he wants to enjoy what you have without that complication...because it is a HUGE complication, even in the best circumstances.
The most worrisome possibility is that he's scared of shaking up the kids, or shaking up his ex -- he doesn't want the hassle it will cause him nor the upset it will cause the ex and kids. Do not ignore this information. If he's scared of shaking their world, that probably won't end after they know about you. You don't want the rest of your life to be determined by his fear of upsetting his kids or ex. There are a lot of unhappy women on this site whose lives take a backseat to the comfort of skids and exes. If he's scared to even tell them he's dating, imagine how long you might have to wait for him to break the news that you're getting married or having a baby. Not good.
There's plenty of time for you to meet his kids. But consider what you're learning about him in all this. You're learning he won't talk about important issues that involve you if he doesn't want to. You're learning he will let you squirming and wondering WHY rather than being honest and open with you. He's calling all the shots about this issue without even telling you why he's calling them as he is. That's not good.
You're also learning that he is not honest. You say you're planning a future together and you're living together, but he's keeping even your existence a secret from the most important people in his life. I'd be uncomfortable with that. If he feels it's too soon for you to meet his kids, maybe you shouldn't be living together and talking about a lifetime together. You don't want to be someone's "dirty little secret." Either you're good enough or you're not. Either you're serious or you're not. He's having it both ways.
I'd consider backing up the relationship. Start staying at your own place. Start treating this as a 10-month relationship rather than a 5-year marriage. You're both putting the cart before the horse. Take things in the right order and it will make more sense to you and him -- if you weren't living together, you might not feel you should already know his kids. If you weren't talking about a lifetime together, it might not seem odd that he's keeping his kids in the dark about you.
You seem really eager to move forward in this relationship. But he's holding back and won't tell you why. So curb your eagerness until you know. Don't be so certain you're soulmates. You don't know what he's really thinking about your relationship because he won't tell you "I'm just using you." And maybe he's not using you. The only way to know is for the relationship to stand the test of time. So give it the time it needs to tell you these important things rather than believing whatever he tells you.
Red Flags.
If I were you, I would want to know how much the ex knows about you and how they interact together. I, personally, think if you're serious enough to be living together and talking about a future, that the natural step is you meeting those kids. I think the way he is so protective of the situation and doesn't want to talk about it is a red flag that something is off. In my own situation, I was the girlfriend who didn't want to meet the child and it was because there were a lot of things about the relationship that made me hesitant to go any further.