Meeting the kids for the first time - so so so nervous - help!!
Hello everyone
I am writing you all the way from South Africa and is stressed out of my mind!!!!!
I am a newbie Stepmom or if everything goes well, will be a newbie Stepmom and I have so many questions and worries.
I am 36, never been married, no kids. My boyfriend, age 36 divorced with three girls twins age 4 and a 7 year old living with him. (We dated for 6 years in our twenties).
In short, we have been dating for about 4 months, he lives 9hours away so I don't see him often, about 7days a month if we meet halfway, he leaves the kids with their mom for a weekend and we spend time together. We didnt' want me to meet the kids until we were both sure. We are committed and sure so the next step is the kids.
Ok now I am frrrrrrrrreaking out. I am an only child, I don't really like kids (lol), I am used to being the only person in my boyfriends life and getting all the attention. I don't really know how to be around kids or how to act, what to say etc. I am more than prepared to try and I more than understand that the road ahead is going to be long and at times very very hard. I love him, we have always loved each other and his ex wife is accepting me and even said he never got over me and she knew it all the while they were married (we never spoke or met up in the 8years of their marriage so there was no affair).
Anyway I have all these questions on meeting the kids. Should I meet them now and if so, where is the best place? What should my bf tell them beforehand? He wants me to go to his for a week but it would mean I have to stay with thim in their house, where do I sleep?
I don't want to upset the kids and I dont expect them to accept me immediately, same said for me, but I do want to go into this as prepared as I can be for everyones sake.
Should he tell them I am his girlfriend and can we be affectionate (hold hands)? I don't live close enough to see them on weekends so I might only see them once a month. I am so nervous and I want the kids to like me because they matter!!! I just have never known how to be around kids and I know my nervousness will show eeeeek!!!!
I sooooo understand that a bumpy road is ahead of us and I am more than prepared to try and keep at it and get support and read books and do all I can to be a good girlfriend and stepmom etc. We will get married later and I will move in in time so it's all in the plan.
I'm just so worried and I feel so insecure and I dont want to worry my boyfriend as he is obviously also worried but we are hopeful.
What I am feeling is normal I know, but how do you deal with all the jitters? Not to mention all the what iffs.
What pointers and suggestions do you have for me ? You all have been trough this so your advice is priceless!!
You seem very committed to
You seem very committed to this idea of getting a ready made family so I won't try and talk you out of this. You're lucky that the ex-wife has accepted you as a part of the family. Especially since she could easily point to his infatuation throghout her marriage and blame you for the breakup even without your physical presence.
I would keep the first meetings as low key as possible and as short as possible. I.e. this is not the day for a full day at the beach or park. Daddy/kids meets you for lunch and you go your seperate way. The kids will need time to digest the fact that someone else is in their family.
I hope you two won't be setting up housekeeping before the marriage or at least if you do that the kids are not privvy to that fact. I'm not a religious prude I just think kids should see that you two have some sort of committment first.
Take a read at this I highly recomment this from the outset. You don't want to be seen as a replacement for Mommy and this will help you in your relationship with these kids: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I fear for you in this
I fear for you in this relationship because you already know that you don't like kids. Before listening to anyone on this site...listen to your gut!! It knows you best! Good luck!
It's perfectly normal to feel
It's perfectly normal to feel jittery. These are people you do not know, other than what you've been told about them, it's up to you to get to know them if you want to.
You can tell him you want to go slow with this, let him know you are a little afraid and ask that he will do what he can to cover you for that.
First time around really does need to be short and fun, as the earlier poster said girls are THE worst! Bad enough they will all be, at a later point, fighting for daddy and then add another competitor? Hmmm...
Not liking kids. I'd like you to consider that it may be that you are an only child with no competitors whatsoever? It might be interesting to see how these girls share with each other, make that your focus? I think I would chat with them and tell them they are lucky to have each other and tell them you were an only child. I often find kids' perspectives on things hillarious.
Hello all, thank you for your
Hello all, thank you for your replies, basically you are mostly saying that I should get out of this while I still can right?
Is there anyone out there where it DID work out, I mean is all relationships like this doomed?
We have had feelings for each other for 20years and it's as real as it gets and we really want it to work out.