Mamma Drama with the ex
Hi all, new here to the forums. I am Auberry and I am a 30 year old mom to DS who is 7 and soon to be step mom of SS who is 5. I am finding all of this step parent stuff to be just a bit overwhelming. My fiance has primary customery of SS5, and his ex is supposed to have him every other 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends and alternating holidays. The problem is, his ex doesn't ever seem to want her son. I find this particularly baffling and heart breaking, as I cannot imagine not having my child with me and not being able to take care of him. She will talk DS5 up about how wonderful their time together is going to be and then call and say she can't get him because she doesn't feel well, or she had a stressful day and can't "deal with him", or insert the excuse of the moment here. Last night my fiance called to tell her that he is working a shut down and will be working 7 days a week,. 12 hours a day until Memorial Day, and that she was going to have to start picking DS5 up and dropping him off in accordance with the custody papaers. (She is supposed to pick him up a 6pm Friday and drop him off at 6pm Sunday) because he won't be able to come get DS5 when she gets tired of him and calls for us to pick him up early like we have been doing. I told my fiance I wouldn't accomadate her whims and fancies and that while he was working like this she would have to be a mom and do what the papers said she was supposed to be doing, becuase I have seen the mile this woman will run if you give her an inch and I wanted my boundaries with her set firm from the beginning. Right or wrong, I refuse to give into her and accomodate her laziness. Well, when he told her that she would have to make arrangements to pick DS5 up and drop him off like she should, she through a screaming hissy fit about how since I am marrying him I need to start shouldering his responsibilities and I need to accomodate her and pick DS5 up early like my fiance does. Am I being a wicked witch not to agree to this? I love DS5, and it breaks my heart that his mother behaves this way with him, but I don't want to set myself up for the manipulation and verbal abuse I see her give my fiance. If he wants to allow her to treat him the way she does then there is little I can do to change that, but she will not behave that way with me. I am frustrated with the way she treat DS5 and my fiance and I don't have anywhere to vent, blanded families are not something my family has had to deal with so they do not understand.
Tough call, welcome to the
Tough call, welcome to the page. I do think that the story goes very differently when you are in fact a custodial SM and not just the EOWd SM. Hence the need to really step up to the plate, and all the more reason you probably care more than most.
I'm just the EOWd SM and so I deal with FDH picking her up as he pleases or taking her home early etc. Id never expect BM's BF to do anything, even a pick-up. Your BM should be a damn BM and take her kid as the papers indicate, and really shame on her for not even wanting that.
I guess you do have to realize that in the end you are just a SM. Put your foot down and make her be a damn parent. If she doesnt want to parent on her time, its HER responsibility to find someone to watch him (as ridiculous as that is).
I understand you have no one to talk to about these things, I dont either, at least we have steptalk!
Well, if I wasn't here my
Well, if I wasn't here my fiance would probably have gotten a job that didn't have so much overtime, because he would have had to hire a weekend sitter during a shut down. I don't mind watching SS5 when it isn't time for him to be at his mom's, I just feel that his BM should be a mom, and do what the papers say while my fiance is working. He is very lenient and accomodating of her, he picks SS5 up early whenever she asks, she can do this for a limited amount of time. If I only got to see my son for a few days every other week I would want to pick him up and drop him off, I'd be waiting at the door to get him early and I would be dragging up the sidewalk, dreading dropping him off.
It is all I can do not to rip her a new one. I have been a single mom for almost 8 years now, I am the sole managing conservator, my ex husband gave up his visitation and everything. I have worked and raised my son by myself and to hear her whine and moan about other people being responsible makes me sick.
Auberry - I am sure your OH
Auberry - I am sure your OH probably picks up ss5 early and accommodates BM's irresponsibility because he wants to shield ss from his mother's behaviour and as he loves his child and wants him to be happy. I get that his intentions are honourable BUT by actually allowing BM to be a p/t parent only when she feels like it is enabling and nuturing her selfishness.
She is ss mother and with no genuine reason why she cant have ss during those access times, she should be having him every single time. If she needs help, then she should ask her family/friends and not take advantage of OH and now you.
To make her accountable of her responsibility your OH needs to ensure he doesnt make it easy for her to drop ss like he is nothing, because I am sure that upsets him. So your OH needs to realise in order to put ss first he has to stop doing this as he is helping BM shit on their son. He must be so hurt when mommy promises things and then backs out, again and again. Its not fair on him.
To answer your initial question. I think BM is being the evil witch here. Daring to tell OH that YOU need to shoulder his responsibilities now, while she does what exactly? Oh thats right, doesnt bother with her own son. A son SHE chose to have. HER responsibility, not yours. I sincerely hope your OH ripped her a new one and said something to the affect of the above? Dont give in on this, BM is under the impression you are now going to be the live in maid and babysitter for her and when they demonstrate their way of thinking you know they are only going to escalate their behaviour until they get what they want. So be warned she will attempt to dump ss onto you, meaning ss is going to see even LESS of her than he is now. Do not allow her to do this to ss or you, as its a receipe for resentment. She needs to learn you will not be manipulated or used because shes trying to!
THis is not your
THis is not your responsibility. It is hers and his to work out. If you let them take advantage of you now, it never stops...
I would wait till he goes to
I would wait till he goes to his bm's then if she calls asking you to pick him up SAY NO. Absolutely not. She is the bm, it is her job as a parent to be there for her son. The problem is that your dh has been giving in and collecting him. That needs to stop. The bm sounds like a POS
My fiance gives in tohis ex
My fiance gives in tohis ex because he doesn't like confrontation AT ALL and feels it is better to put up with her throwing their son away than put up with listening to her holler. Also, she knows how to get to him, and if he doesn't give in to her immediately then SS5 calls us a little while after my fiance talks with the BM and asks his daddy why he doesn't love him enough to come get him early. So, without a doubt, she is feeding stuff into SS5's ear if we don't give in. I have no intention of picking him up, though. Like I said, I fel badly for my fiance because he is in a hard place, but he has allowed this behavior. My heart breaks for my SS5 because he just wants his mommy to love him and spend time with him, and she treats him like he is disposable. After all I have gone through with this child since his daddy and I got together. He was truly badly behaved, screaming, biting, kicking, scratching, you name it. But he is a child who has been deeply hurt, doesn't understand his emotions or how to process them, and therefore is lashing out. I get angry with my fiance because he won't have a come to Jesus meeting with his ex and tell her how the cow ate the cabage, but again, there really isn't anything I can do about it. No, I feel for my FDH and SS5, but I can't allow her to walk all over me. I spent time in an abusive, codependant relationship and I won't ever go back to that way of life no matter what.
All he needs to tell ss is
All he needs to tell ss is this "I do love you ss, that is why I have said no to mommy because you like spending time with her dont you? Its important you get to see mommy and mommy gets to spend time with you. Daddy is in work/busy and mommy isnt. If daddy didnt love you, you wouldnt be living with me and besides you will see me at x time/day wont you? Put mommy on the phone..."
Then he needs calmly tell her to stop being a manipulative abusive bitch as its not working.
Then when he sees ss he needs to sit him down and ask him why he said x (its obvious its BM but fair to give ss a chance to try and verbalise whats happening).
Sounds like OH is refusing to address this with BM and follow through (once she ignores him) due to his own selfish reasons and not what is right for his son and his family. OH could likely scream at her till the cows come home and it wont do much good, as you cant control someone else (am sure OH doesnt want to, but would prefer her to be a more hands on mother) but he could tell her calmly no when she does stuff like this or ignore her (screening for emergency calls) and then follow through with actions. Or alternatively seeing as this is causing ss so much distress and as BM is PASing skid, he could apply for full custody with no access for BM (in fact I would be so mad I would threaten her with never seeing ss again and applying for CS from her).
Does he have ss in therapy? Does he discipline ss?
Very difficult situation and got to feel sorry for that poor confused child!
I hear ya, sister! I
I hear ya, sister! I wouldn't give her an inch. When I got married at a very naive 19 with a 5 yr old SD...I put myself out to prove I could be a GREAT mom. Boy did that screw me over...I was so "great" that BM thought we could handle SD without her! She abandoned her and when we tried to send SD to her when she got out of control, that lasted 3.5 weeks! Now she disconnected her phone and moved!
If you give in to this, BM will then have another demand and then another and another...best to show her now that you will not be manipulated and that you do not feel bad for her. Her kid is HER responsibility, not yours!
You could say that my FDH is
You could say that my FDH is paralyzed with the fear of losing SS5. He had a hard fight to get custody, and now all his ex has to do is say the word "court" and he turns into jelly. It is frustrating to me. I am a stepkid myself, I have been through this, and giving in to the demands of the children or the ex doesn't really help anything. I have tried to explain to him that BM is going to be who she regardless of how many back flips he turns. I believe a lot of what he does is selfish, because he has told me before how upset he gets when SS5 gets mad at him and says he wants to go to his mom's house. He does discipline, but he can be wishy washy about it, lacking follow through. No, for the moment, and maybe for a very, very long time, I am alone in my stand against BM, which is why I came looking for a place like this, so I can vent before I explode. I have already warned him, since he gave into her and told her if he wasn't working a full 12 hours on her weekends that he would pick SS5 up after he got off work, but that if he had to work 12 hours she would have to bring SS5 back, I warned him that the first time she gives me trouble, screaming and hollering that she can't possibley bring him back, I will go pick him up, but it won't be until after 6pm and it will be with a police officer to document the fact that she didn't return the child and that all I did was come get him so that she can't try to claim I assaulted her or anything when I came to get him. He isn't very happy, but, I have dealt with my own difficult ex, I didn't play with him and I won't play with FDH's ex either. I love him, but I won't be used and abused just so he will be more comfortable.