Love my girlfriend, not sure I cna live with her son
Hi All - I am new to this forum as a member but, since my girlfriend moved in with her 7 year old son, (6 at the time), I have been an avid reader.
Here is my issue.
My GF was with a guy who, although affable and not outright abusive, was non-existent in their relationship. She stayed in it way too long and then committed the ultimate mistake: she decided to have a kid to make it better. Long story short, the husband was no more involved with her and the kid after the kid came along and she substituted everything she was missing in her relationship with taking the kid along with her all the time. She also blurred some boundaries and did some things I consider unhealthy - letting the kid sleep with her everynight, etc. to compensate. The kid became her whole world, companion out to restaurants, stayed up as late as he wanted to - when we were first dating, the kid at age 6 would routinely stay up until 10 or 11 PM. She also NEVER disciplined the kid. Everything he did was ok, excusable, and explanable.
They moved in with me in January and it has been very difficult. he just turned 7 last month and still pees the bed, makes a mess everytime he goes number two, has non-existent table manners - my GF just says, "I guess his father and I never taught him that" - is irreverent, a liar, and constantlty has to be the center of attention. She gives him whatever he wants all the time, and it is virtually impossible for us to have anytime together unless he is with his father or asleep. I have addressed my concerns but believe she is simply incapable of changing.
I love her incredibly and she is amazing. There are so many things that are right with this, but this one is huge. Honestly, I hate the weeks we have the kid. It is not fair to the kid, quite frankly - who am I? Nonetheless, I can't give what I don't have and I just don't have it for this kid.
Does it get better? Do I need to do soulsearching and therapy? To be fair, I am 48, have no kids of my own, and came off a divorce from a 12 year marriage a few years ago. She could not have kids, hence, I have none. Am I an old dog who can't learn new tricks? I am really lost here and could use some advice.
Thanks!
Right! As a buddy of mine
Right! As a buddy of mine says all the time - "she made that!"
OK - I try not to rub it in her face, but when we have to get up in the night two to three times week because a 7 yr old wet the bed...and that is just the tip of the iceburg.
Tell me, ybarra357, does this relationship stand a chance?
Holy Christ! Did I just read
Holy Christ!
Did I just read a post made by me 8 years ago!?!?
LOL!
Hi searcher...I may be able to provide some insight. When I met my wife, she too had a son that was around 6 years of age and he was the center of her world. Her ex was - for lack of better words - a selfish negligent prick. If you were to ask me, I don't think he was ready to have a kid and even to this day, he still doesn't know how to raise him. So my wife, in order to compensate for her ex's failings OVERcompensated.
While it seemed like a noble thing to do, the result was a boy who was overly (and I mean REALLY overly) attached to his mother.
If ever she was out of eyesight for more than 30 seconds, he would go batsh*t crazy.
I read your post and aside from the bed wetting (it happened occasionally but not so much to be an issue) EVERYTHING you wrote was symptomatic of the problems I was facing;
Horrible table manners, lying, staying up way past his bed time, etc....Dude, I lived through ALL OF THAT.
Let me fast forward to today.
On the table manners, I had to break both my wife and my SS. My wife was letting my Stepson waste whole meals and letting him have two servings of dessert. After the stepson was out of sight, I sat my wife down and told her, with no sugar coating that what she was doing was horribly wrong. My wife cried, but I didn’t let up on her. She needed to know the truth. She was spoiling her son and it needed to stop. Naturally she would make excuses. She blamed the father, she blamed herself....No one taught the kid. So it wasn’t my stepson’s fault, it was the parent’s fault.
Like my friend said “You can’t yell at a kid for reading in the dark when no one taught the kid to turn on the light switch”.
After I broke my wife (I hate using that word, because it makes her seem like a wild animal but you know what I mean) I started working on her son.
Let me tell you, his table manners didn’t get corrected over night. It took years and years of constant reminders “Chew with your mouth closed please”....Now at 15, I would say that my SS is “OK” at the dinner table. I wish I could say he could eat with the Queen of England but I can’t (He still wipes his mouth with his sleeve)
I could go on and on, but I think I will blow up the comment box. Things are a lot better now but there are still issues. The one issue that unnerves me the most is lack of consequences for poor report cards. This kid is 15 and I have yet to see him study for more than 20 minutes. Thankfully my wife is finally onboard when it comes to studying and discipline but I fear it may be too late. This kid, simply doesn’t care about school and just does the bare minimum to get a passing grade.
The other thing that bugs me is that when the three of us are together, I cannot have a complete uninterrupted conversation with my wife. It bugs me, but I have learned to live with it. Thankfully I have lots of interests and hobbies. So whenever I begin to feel like the third wheel, I just leave the room and do something else. I’ll have my wife to myself later....
I try not to dwell on it too
I try not to dwell on it too much. For the most part DW and I have very pleasant conversations about what to do and what not to do with all our children. If you were to sit down with the two of us and ask us questions about raising children, you will find that DW and I have the same ideas and want the same things....The only time DW and I would differ is when DW would "loosen the reigns".
DW: Oh I know SS still has homework but I allowed him to hang out with his friends after school. He promised he will be back at 6 and will tackle his homework right after supper....
Me: *frown*
DW: What? What's wrong? You dissaprove?
Me: *Spock-Eyebrow raise*
Zombie is the right word,
Zombie is the right word, Drac0! And all the things you said...to sum it up, glued to 'mommy' in a completely unhealthy way. You seem to have made it through, but I am thinking I am not sure I can make it through the summer let alone until the kid leaves for college.
How did you break the bad habits? I have had the heart-to-heart conversations. I have spelled things out. It sinks in a little and then, Bang! Right back to square one. She has horse crap for judgement.
And the kid is suuuuccchhhh a manipulator and she can't see that. He doesn't pull that sort of thing with me because he knows I see right through it and have called him on some outright lies. He won't risk that embarassement, but with his mother, he can get away with anything.
Any advice you can offer is GREATLY appreciated!!! Thx!!!!!
The best thing that I (or
The best thing that I (or anybody on these boards really) can tell you is to choose your battles. You WON'T correct the situation overnight and you WON'T correct everything.
Yes, my SS has my wife wrapped around his finger and he knows it and he knows that I know he knows it which makes for some funny (if not awkward) situations. My stepson is 15 years old FIFTEEN and he still cries at the drop of a hat when things don't go his way.
I told my wife, in no uncertain terms that if SS goes the distance and wants to go to college, or pick up a trade or go to the military, etc, I will support him. But if this kid drops out of HS or only ends up flipping burgers for 8 hours a week for a living while spending the rest of the time playing Call of Duty, I am throwing his ass out. I've had to repeat this THREE times to my wife because she still thinks that our home will be her son's home indefinetly.
So yes, I talk to my wife. She listens, but like most conversations with regards to her son, it's like beads of water splashed onto a hot frying pan. It fizzles faster than it sinks in.
My wife exercises poor judgement at times but every now and then she has an "AHA!" moment. It is these "AHA!" moments that I hone in on. In other words, if my wife believes the idea is coming from her, she'll go the distance.
For example....I still remember that winter when SS was 10. DW and I were out shoveling snow. SS was outside with us being a royal PITA. "MOM! Look at me!" "Mom! Can you build a snowman with me?" "Mom! Mom! MOOOOOOOOOOM!". Suddenly, my neighbor's kid (who was 5 years old at the time) came outside and approached SS wanting to play with him. I kid you not, SS ran away in terror!
That's when my wife said "Hmmmm...Methinks SS does not know how to socialize with other children"
AHA!!!!
So later on, we enrolled SS into some extracurricular activities....and it was all spearheaded by my wife. I followed her lead, made some suggestions, etc... But my wife was finally doing what I had suggested she do years ago. It worked and SS slowly but surely started making friends. Up until last year, he even had a girlfriend.
My GF's kid is a complete
My GF's kid is a complete baby. Cries over everything, and the snow shovelling story is right on the money! Whenever I need her to help me with something, he pulls the "mom look at me" bit.
You probably know this
You probably know this already but in case you don't, one of the reasons he cries a lot is because kids at that age don't exhibit sleep deprivation symptoms like adults do. When my children are sleep deprived, they too start crying over every little thing, they don't listen, etc.
And you mentioned in your OP that the kid goes to bed late. When you combine sleep deprivation with the usual manipulation crying, it just makes matters all the more irritable.
I actually learned to disengage completely from my SS after 9pm. In my mind, after 9pm, my SS should be in bed and therefore doesn't exist.
Oh! And the co-sleeping has to stop YESTERDAY!!! My wife was co-sleeping with her son up until he was around 9. At 15, this kid still wants to be tucked into bed by Mommy.
I put the instant moretoreum
I put the instant moretoreum on him even coming into our bedroom once they moved in so no co-sleeping occurs under my roof. She still goes through this elaborate ritual when it's bedtime, which I think is a bit overdone. I also insisted on an 8:30 bedtime, which, as I had mentioned, is a target we rarely hit: we are usually at about 9 PM.
Still, the kid is waaayyyyy over indulged.
I was at the movies the other
I was at the movies the other day and I saw a trailer where Marissa Tomei is the mom and she has an adult son , Jonah Hill, and is finally dating again, that guy who was Will Ferrill's sidekick in all of his movies, why can't I remember his name I love him.... anyway... that could be you.
Sorry - I don't understand
Sorry - I don't understand the reference.
I just found this movie - it
I just found this movie - it is called 'Cyrus' - came out in 2010. Yes, this is a little too close to home - LOL
Yes!!!!!! That's the movie.
Yes!!!!!! That's the movie.
Does it get better? If the
Does it get better? If the bio parent steps up and becomes a parent instead of a friend - yes it gets better. If the bio parent keeps their head in the sand, lives in denial and has no interest in changing, it gets much much much worse as the kid gets older.
You don't need therapy or soul searching for not wanting a 7 yo to be running your house, your life and your partner. Your partner needs parenting classes Badly and possibly some therapy to see that she's destroying her kid but that doesn't sound likely to take. The excuses in parents like these hardly ever go away, they just get more outrageous as the kid's behavior does. They blame everyone but the child, they take no steps to fix the problems even when the kid is violent (the other child provoked them), when they're found with drugs or alcohol (it's a friends, they're just holding it), when they are caught stealing (they just misunderstood).....
Step parents of kids like this, with bio parents like your SO are vulnerable to CPS investigations because of the child's lies, police involvement because of behavior, illegal/underage substances and poor decision making skills. There are often failure to launch issues, with the bio parent willing in every way to support leeching adults because it's not poor jrs fault that the school was so mean he couldn't graduate, people just don't understand him and won't give him a job, those other meanie parents pressed statutory rape charges and now he has a record......
She may be an absolute goddess in every way that doesn't involve the kid, I don't know, but her kid isn't going away. Not now, probably not in 11 years. If she's shown no inclination to change in the past year well, past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior so take that for what it's worth. Do your soul searching for how much you're really willing to invest in this relationship. Be honest with yourself about what's going to happen when this unchecked kid is 15, hormonal and decides to take a swing at you. What will his mother do? Tell the truth when the cops come or blame you and have you thrown in jail to protect her poor little boy? If you've been reading around here, you know this is a serious possibility and not me just being dramatic.
Wow!!! I had to convince her
Wow!!! I had to convince her that he was capable of dressing himself! Worse! That he could brush his own teeth! She was still giving him baths, which I put an end to. While I can not tell her outright what to do with her kid, I can say that certain things do not happen under my roof and they live in my house.
I blame the show "The
I blame the show "The Courtship of Eddie's Father"
Whoops! I just dated myself!!
There is the big issue:
There is the big issue: accountability. There is none. None for the kid, and none for the ex husband. I once said to her that, while I don't expect her to vilify her ex, she at least has to acknowledge that he was basically not there.
She can not.
She insists that, because he talks to the kid at breakfast and asks him about his day he is an engaged parent. The denial is terrible and may be our downfall.
Hey folks - here is another
Hey folks - here is another wrinkle.
A few weeks ago, the GF informed me that there was this wedding coming up, to which she, her kid, and her ex were all invited. Not only was taking me as a guest not even addressed, but the priority was on the fact that her 7 year old son wanted to go. She has said she does NOT want to go, but god forbid we dissappoint the little brat.
On the other hand, I have family coming in town for what could very well be my grandmother's last Mother's Day - I hope not, but she is 92 and failing. I pointed out that I thought her place was with her CURRENT family - not her old one that she left. But....the kid would be dissapointed so I get shunted aside.
I am overreacting?
Well Everyone - it all just
Well Everyone - it all just came to a head and we are done.
I appreciate everyone's input and support here. What a waste, when we could have done well together. I feel both greatly sad, and yet relieved. We were fighting all the time. It is done.
My best to all of you and I have to honestly say that I will never date anyone with young children, or even children in the home, again.
Holy smokes! That was quick!
Holy smokes! That was quick! Really? It's done? As in "Done" done!?
Too many things. Too many
Too many things. Too many times I have to explain my feelings and why what she is doing is hurtful. All she could ever do was look sad, but she never did anything about any of the issues we discussed. She will likely go back to her super unhealthy ways with the kid and live by herself. Good for her. I can't take it anymore.
It truly is a waste.
Well that is sad. Moreso for
Well that is sad. Moreso for the kid than for you. Your GF is stunting her son's development and she can't see that. I guess I was kind of hoping you guys would find some balance here but if it is not meant to be, than it is not meant to be. I wish you all the best.
Thanks Drac0! I feel badly
Thanks Drac0! I feel badly for the kid as well. He will be the real casualty. In the short run, he will be thrilled at getting mommy all to himself again and getting everything he wants. In the long run, all I can say is something I told him one day when we were having a hard time...
"(Kid), right now, you think I am being mean, but when you are 25, you will look back and realize that I was the best friend you could have had."
Just for the record, you
Just for the record, you certainly were NOT overreacting about the wedding. She could have made a case for going to it but "Little Lord Fauntleroy wants to go" is NOT it.
Being at YOUR side for Gramma's Swan Song would have been the proper thing to do for someone who is partnering and committing. Unless it was her own parent's or grandparent's wedding, she should have been with you.
Fauntleroy can go with his dad to the wedding. All the better for you to enjoy the Mother's Day.
Things only get better if you have a damned good partnership with your sweetheart. Evidence shows you didn't have that. I'm glad she bailed like this now. Has saved you years of misery and heartache.
My SD15 is the problem in our house. Things have gotten better, degrees at a time. But that's only because my DH listens to me and then hears the same thing from his own mother. And he makes up to me in many grand ways for all the things I've put up with. Yours was only paying lip service, not really soul searching like my dh does.
BTW, bedwetting is forgivable and can often be a simple matter of physiological development and often heritable. However, never being held accountable for anything whatsoever can certainly compound the problem.