Looking for opinions
So in my house there are four teenagers: BS15, BD15, SD15 all in high school & SS14 middle school.
Here is (one of) my question: Should the 14 y/o have the same privileges as the 15 y/o's?
Specifically: The 15 y/o's now have friends that drive. The 14 y/o wants to be allowed to go with the 15 y/o's & their friends. The 15 y/o's don't want the 14 y/o to go with them. They are embarrassed by him and his immaturity. My issues are BS15 & SS14 DO NOT get along at all, SS14 is constantly ignoring routine rules (at home and school). I am disengaged from SS, unless his actions/behavior effect BS, BD or myself.
Should SS14 have wait until he is in high school and he and his friends are driving?
Part Two:
DH is very protective of and lenient towards SS14. I see it and the 15 y/o's see it. If I am going to approach DH about SS14 not being allowed the same privileges as the 15 y/o's. The 15 y/o's will not discuss things regarding SS with DH anymore because they feel it's pointless. I am usually the only one that can eventually get him to see a different perspective, but not without an argument first - which I'd like to avoid. What are some suggestions as to how to do that without causing him to immediately go on the defensive?
Nope... the SS-14 needs to
Nope... the SS-14 needs to make his own friends and not try to scalp BS-15's friends.
^We have the same law in our
^We have the same law in our state, though I know most of the teens including bs17's friends rarely abide by this since I see carloads of unrelated teens pulling in out of my driveway.
With my sons I'll often have the 17 yr old take the 14 yr old out for 2 hours on Halloween or some other special occasion, then he gets the rest of the evening with his friends. This works for my kids and the 17 yr old doesn't mind, plus I give him extra cash (babysitting $$$ sorta) for being awesome to his brother.
I don't force the issue but I do entice and reward bs17 to hang out and be cool to his bro, and bs14 would rather be with bs17 and his friends on Halloween than mom.
"Should the 14 y/o have the
"Should the 14 y/o have the same privileges as the 15 y/o's?"
Having the same privileges and requiring the older children to let him tag along are NOT the same things.
Same privileges would be things like:
All the kids can stay up to 10 on a school night.
All kids can watch R movies in your house.
All kids can drive with legally licensed drivers who are not family members.
All kids can stay home alone.
All kids can go to a sleepover at a friends house.
All kids can go on vacations with other friends' families.
Privileges in my mind go hand in hand with levels of maturity and responsibility. Do all the kids have similar levels of responsibility for chores etc in the home? When given freedoms do they respect boundaries and act appropriately.
I see nothing wrong with telling a younger sibling that it might not seem fair but others in the household may be able to do things or have privileges that he does not have because they have proven to have earned those rights and he hasn't yet. Helping him understand how he CAN reach those goals is important.
On the other side of the coin, the older children should be encouraged to be KIND and inclusive to their younger sibling. I'm not saying they need to take him with them or that they need to always include him in things when they have friends over. However, when it is just family, it couldn't hurt for them to interact with him. Who knows, it might lead to personal growth for him and he might become less annoying? I had a brother 1.5 years younger.. so I know what it's like to have a younger brother. I also know how hurtful it was to my YSD that her sister was always kicking dust in her face.
It really doesn't cost much to be kind every now and then does it?
As far as dealing with your husband. I would explain that his son can have the same privilege... but that doesn't mean he has to be invited into his sibling's social circles. If he has friends of his own that drive.. it can be considered.
BTW, the decision to allow kids to drive with other kids was always pretty much a case by case basis in our house. not a blanket privilege.
BS15 is your son... SS14 not,
BS15 is your son... SS14 not, you keep on raising your son the way you want to, and if he does not want to entertain SS14 then so be it, you can simply tell DH - SS has his own friends and that's that.
We had the same issue... Deigma is 3 years older then Aergia and usually SO allowed Aergia to hang with Deigma and friends, he hated it, I told him do not tell me about your plans in advance, simply text me and then wait for my reply if it's yes or no... you say nothing you just go.... Aergia got very upset once and I simply told her... if you have friends over you ignore Deigma, you do not care if he's alone or not... why can't he hang with his friends without you... SO simply looked at me... and said to Aergia... SM Acra is right you know, Deigma is not your babysitter...
Deigma had to be at home 11 pm when he was in school.. Aergia never had a time 4 am was fine with her, Deigma once tried to come in later, he was very sorry about it and when he told me but Aergia - I smiled and said and I'm not her parent I give a shit what she does... I'm your parent and this is my rule now punishment... Deigma never ignored the rules again...
You as a mother should NEVER
You as a mother should NEVER EVER force the older kids to take the younger one in their circle of friends. It is unfair to the older ones and it will mess up the younger one in the long term, because he will be excluded from every conversation that they will have, he will be the third wheel in the company and will probably develop some social problems. Most probably they will make fun of him directly or no, but he will feel it.
Don't force it!