Ladies. . . . I salute you
I came here today as yesterday I had about as much as I could take of my partner's ex bitch (sorry I mean wife) trying to destroy our lives. After 4.5 years of her crap I am tired.
Coming here was amazing but it was also very sad to see so many other kindred spririts and the thing that amazes me is the similarity of traits that we appear to posess, these are:
A belief that we can 'handle it'
A belief that the psycho ex will 'get over it and get a life'
A desire for everyone to get on
A love and loyalty towards our partner/spouse that stops us walking
A dedication to children who are not ours biologically (we often show more care for them than their own BM's)
A willingness to battle on regardles of what stress and upset we are putting ourselves through
Generally (in return), we are lied about, hated, disrespected and end up tearing our hair out over what is, quite frankly not our problem but a situation we have chosen to enter (however much we wish that situation weren't so). The arguments, the game playing, the family members turned against us, the court and solicitor battles, the bitterness and acrimony. . . it is a terrible toll for a family and all who are involved on the sidelines.
The saddest thing that struck me for all my fellow sisters who are in the same tragic situation wondering if it will ever improve is that when the psycho bitter ex strikes there is no way of resolving the issue. They will bilge their anger and venom for as long as they see fit (in my case over 4 years so far and still going strong). I saw no real solutions on this site other than to change your own behaviour and attitude towards the ex and the issues affecting us. There was some good advice from the long suffering ladies here. I realise these nasty exes will never change and we cannot change them.
It was interesting to read about Malicious Mother (or parent) syndrome - I can identify most of those behaviours in the ex. How sad that a woman can treat her own children as pawns and posessions. These are very sad and withered people, fuelling and justifying thier anger with their pointing fingers in anyone else's direction but their own. It is like shadow boxing 24/7.
Meanwhile, of course I (and probably a lot of you) are the blame and the scapegoat. I know many of you can identify with this. It is comforting to find other lost and troubled souls here who know the depths of despair this situation can bring you to and how much it can desroy your life and relationship with your partner and any children in the situation.
At this point, I am at a loss as to how the damaged relationships my partner and I have with his kids can ever be right again. All because of her bitterness and reprehensible behaviour. The kids are the unhappiest I have seen them since their parents separated. After all this time, I still wonder if I should have stayed but apart from all the above, my relationship withmy partner is very good. It is just the BS fromthe BM that makes life intolerable.
So where do we go from here? I have no idea. . .
I know how you feel, there
I know how you feel, there are days when I question is it worth it. The ex wife and the dh really set the tone for the kids happiness. If the kids are unhappy they are barometers of the underlying messages by the parents. WE as steps can not fix this. I think if I would have know what I know now, I would have never become a step parent. I love my dh too, but why should I have to pay for his past mistakes, and get blamed for stuff that I can't control. The only truth is that we can control ourselves only, and have to let the rest roll off the back. It is hard, and this group is a good place to vent, because alot of time hubby does not want to hear it. It is that he is not trying to appease the ex...he is sick of it...and most likely had put up trouble before we came involved. What bugs me is having to do things for my husband, like drop off his kids and having to deal with the biomom. I get anxiety over this....but I have to put on my happy face, and deal with it. If the kids see me being consistantly polite and their mom not...they will note that...eventually kids know what is right and wrong....Would I do this again....never!!!!!
Sounds like you've also ben there and got the T Shirt!
What you say is very true. It is hard to stand back and realise that you have no control, no ability to improve the situation and little control over what happens in your own house!
It is hard to stand back and watch relationships around you being poisoned by one person. It is hard to be strong when the knife is always in your back.
It is really hard to be the grown up when you have to keep taking the crap and I used to be the perfect example of how to behave but feel I have been dragged down to her level. It is hard to be positive or neutral about someone so vile and hateful. Even if she is their mother!
It is hard to rise above all the BS and still be loving to the kids and not blame them for their actions and to do the things you have to do for them. To things with them in confidence only for it to go straight back to their mother who twists it.
Then there are the endless BS letters from well-intentioned but misguided solicitors. It goes on and on and on and on.
Thank goodness for sites like this or I would have to go and do something I may later regret!!!!
What is with these women?!
I am reading through all of these posts over the past few days, I have not been on line in a while... it seems like everyone's BM seems to think that they can CONTROL every move that BF makes... who says she can call all the shots??? If I remember correctly, and I am pretty sure I do... it took both BM anf BF to make the baby... so why does she think she makes all of the desicions??? I remember the days when my SS's BM would tell DH that SS was not allowed around me... and DH would laugh at her and tell her to grow up. She never followed through with ANY of her threats. She used to threaten to keep SS from DH- Never once did it actually happen. When she realized that she did not SCARE DH... she started to relax. She still has her moments... that is for DAMN sure... but I am a strong adovacte of IGNORE HER AND SHE WILL GO AWAY... especially if you and DH are not doing anything wrong or to provoke her... In my experience, she moved on and found a new man to live with- get knocked up by to try to keep him around when things started going sour, when that didn't work and he STILL left her, she had an abortion (when she realized that this guy has no job to pay her child support) and now lives with that guilt cause she was TRYING to get pregnant and then "got rid of it" (she is not the brightest crayon in the box), and now she tortures HIM... poor guy. I almost feel bad for him. But at least the heat is off of us (for the most part)!
Just one thing
Believe me, we've tried many tactics with BM and none appear to work! Ignoring her does not stop her from just carrying on with her sick games.
I wish it were that easy. . . .
yes.... we all catch hell....
We catch hell, but I'm it for the long haul. I love my husband very much, and to tell you the truth, I'm kinda glad that I didn't know beforehand what I would be up against because I might not have gone through with it. I wouldn't have had to experience all the hurt and pain that BM has caused, but then again, I wouldn't have all the pleasures and rewards from all the step-kids whom I love and adore, and who love me in return. Someday I fear they will give in to their BM and refuse to see us or have anything to do with us - just as the older two have done, but for now, I'm enjoying every other weekend with the 3 who do love us.
Being able to "talk" and blog with my sisters here make it better and tolerable through their knowledge and life experiences, and undying support. To them, I will be forever grateful.
Tootsie
When I look back...
What I saw once as a 'stable situation' turned very quickly into a chaotic adventure as soon as my SS's BM found out that DH 'has a new girlfriend'. But, I am stubborn and just as difiant that, Damn it, she ain't going to get her way and chase me off... NO!
Then just as things were somewhat coming to a clearing, I found myself in yet another predicament that I admit today, has me questioning my choice. There was a moment in our relationship that I really did have a turning point when we discovered that DH has yet another child from another women... unbeknownst to him... and I really hesitated about continuing this journey. But, I loved my DH, "love will conquer all" right? Yeah, I have enough confidence in myself, I can take on the world, doesn't everybody else? WRONG.
Today, I am badgered with headaches... migraines that do not end, stress and anxiety, I don't- can't- answer my phone and am afraid to talk on the phone, (email is my friend!), screen all my calls, and cringe at the sound of either BM's name when spoken in my house because I just don't understand these two women. They are not normal!
Now, the flip side of this is that I am usually a very upbeat, positive, see the glass half full kinda person. Usually, I can take something and point out the positive. Sadly, I feel pretty depressed due to the ongoing court hearing/proceedings we find ourselves into this year. It isn't going to be a pretty one, and so my outlook is very much affected- therefore, I am really finding myself asking... can I continue this with a whole new BM? I JUST got done with one, now, here I sit, preparing to go through the whole process AGAIN. What if this BM is WORSE than the first one?!?! Lord Help Me!
However, on a good day, I may say something like... this journey is what makes us stronger. Today, I don't feel that way. Tomorrow, maybe. What I do know is that it is a constant struggle, none the less, and you have to be acceptable with change.
There are great positive, no issue stories out there, problem is... they ain't here because they have no problems.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
StepMom
You are clearly very strong and good on you for fighting all these battles. Hope DH appreciates you.Sad thing is, it's not just the adults who suffer - it is the kids of these BM's who end up screwed up in the end. Shame they can't see that. . .
It is all so familiar. . . Any more words of wisdom???
Coming here is the only place I have ever found where these awful issues are discussed and where women like us - strong women, admit that it is harder than we gave it credit.
Yes, we can be stubborn and 'not let her have the satisfaction of winning', but at what cost to ourselves? I've gone beyond caring about her silly games. I don't want to play anymore I want to call game over but don't want to lose my relationship (which is mostly v good) and my security with my partner.
I've come to the point where I just want us to sever all ties with the skids because of the hideous BM. And that is after over 4 years of regular contact. DH always says that BM will end up totally alienating the kids from him, but he won't quit. Good for him in one sense but where does that leave me? I've given up. You can't talk to the skids about the issues (more on that later) and I am not the type of person to not say there is an elephant in the room - I've done that for the last 2 years (since she started putting the knife into our relationship with the skids)and it is kiling me.
The irony is that BM's BF is very rich and lives a long way from her. She thinks nothing of dashing off to see him and driving miles or spending her cash (or is it his cash?) on flying to see him. She NEVER takes the kids, and in over 3 years of their relationship he has never spent much time with her kids and has never even taken them on holiday. It is so clear that this is a relationship of convenience for him and he is plain selfish. Yet because he is very wealthy she hangs onto him for dear life.
I think all this makes her bitter that me and DH have a good relationship. She also would never and has never taken any responsibility for her part in her marraige failure. She blames DH for finding me after years of taking her abuse and moods. The woman is clearly psycho and will never find happiness.
Part of me feels sorry for her and her screwed up life but that doesn't give her the right to destroy mine. She really didn't want her marriage and wouldn't work at saving it so why was she so surprised when it ended??? hello??!
The flip side of the coin is that DH has NO appreciation how hard my role in this situation is. He only sees it from his side and often says that it 'doesn't affect you'. Sorry????!!!!!! As I pointed out I have put up with years of this crap destroying my life, being drawn into games with a psycho I have no interest in. Trying to make everything work and make sure the skids are OK.
Is there any way to get DH to see or appreciate my contribution? If I withdraw, I will probably be accused of increasing the problem.
As I said, I used to have a great relationship with he skids but eldest daughter was 'turned' (along with other family members) and is so much like BM it isn't true. I'm not proud to say that I now detest SD and feel very betrayed. She is old enough to know what she is doing. She is just weak and easily manipulated by her mother I guess. youngest SD is going the same way. All the females in that family appear to have a screw loose so is it even their fault?? I kept SD's confidences for a long time and there used to be trust there.
At our last contact BM was on the phone to the skids all the time (she never used to be), they were constantly texting her (no doubt to say how unhappy they were). They spent large amounts of time talking about her (like we need that?) And yet they will also say that she yells at them and tells them that she hates them. So is it fear or loyalty they are operating from with her? I can't rise above anymore and I spent time talking to yongest SD to see why she was so unhappy. BM comes back 2 days later saying I am 'cross-examining' her daughter 'which is unacceptable'. I can't even care about the kid and talk to her!!! Why bother??
Sooooo, here I am thinking my only solution is to withdraw from the skids and hope that contact breaks down soon for everyone's sake as BM is trying her hardest to turn the kids against their own father (let alone just little old me!)It really is hell to be in this and quite frankly even though I am only doing this for DH, I don't truly feel it is even worth his while as he really is fighting a losing battle. Skids don't care enough about him to fight the BM in this situation. BM will never give up and hats off to her she's good at the crap. I wouldn't even know where to begin!
Bottom line is, we are not allowed to care for, show kindness to, have a good relationship or be inolved with the skids because she doesn't want that. But she is too clever to end contact because she would get the blame. She allows contact and then tries to make it look like WE are destroying it and being bad to the skids. SO not true!
How clever to be so twisted! So guys, where now????? Any advice?
Ladies, your throughts would be appreciated . .
On my post directly above.
Thanks
xx
Remember the Malicious Mom (parent) Syndrome???
This is PAS at its best...I am pretty confident stating that we all have dealt with this to some degree... she is trying to alienate the kids from their father and using YOU as the excuse. Those kids needs some sort of normalcy in their lives and it sounds as though you are the only one that can provide it. So, I would say that even if it means biting your tongue till it bleeds- you may just have to put up with it... do your normal thing as the SM and love Skids just the same. Know that their actions ARE provoked by the twisted actions of BM and hope that some day she will chill out and understand that she and DH could not provide the "happy family" that all kids deserve and be grateful that they can witness what a real relationship is supposed to look like.
I find myself telling BM OFTEN that SS deserves to see his mom treated like a princess, so he can learn how to treat his wife. DH did not do that with her... she needs to find someone that will and be happy that he is learning from watching his Dad now, but it has to be reiterated in both homes...
PAS?
Not sure what that acronym means?
I know what you said above is right but *sigh* sometimes it is so hard when all you want to do is give up. . .