Kids day-birthdays, their weddings, graduations, etc- what if they don't want sp there?
Forums:
I know this topic comes up often. As a sm I'm kind of torn between saying "eh, they should just suck it up" and "hey, it's the kid's day." But it also depends on if I've helped finance that event or not, and if it's really bm who doesn't want me there. If bm makes a huge stink about it, I'll back out to create less tension for my SDs.
As a sp, and knowing myself, I wouldn't mind not going to some things once in awhile if I knew sks didn't like me/want me there.
My question is, should SK be
My question is, should SK be told to just suck it up? I truly do think that everyone deserves their "day" and should be able to (sometimes) be around the people who make them happy on their special day (ie a birthday).
I say, if the kid doesn't
I say, if the kid doesn't want the SP there, and has freely voiced this, then I feel the SP should NOT go...no reason for the SP to insert themselves where they are obviously not wanted...I know like hell I wouldn't go....but that's just me....
If I'm not invited, DH
If I'm not invited, DH wouldn't go. If I'm invited, and it is said to his face that I'm not wanted, he wouldn't go.
We've already had this talk, because the skids are adults and we've gone through a graduation and wedding.
*I* certainly don't want to go, LOL!!!
i'm glad your DH wouldn't go
i'm glad your DH wouldn't go if you were not wanted there!...most DH's would tuck their balls in their a**hole and go anyways, knowing full well that their wife was being treated this way by the bratty skid....
I would be very disappointed
I would be very disappointed in my kids if they ever tried to pull something like that, absent a very good reason. Especially if it were a major life event like a wedding, graduation, etc. And would be hard pressed to provide $.
IMO if the dislike between
IMO if the dislike between the skid and the SP is a mutual thing (meaning SP perhaps hates skid more than skid hates SP and/or are totally disengaged from each other), the SP has no place in a day/event meant for the skid. With that said, skid better be able to finance their day/event on their own. if there is so much dislike in the relationships, skid shouldn't be asking parent to finance something that puts parents in a awkward stuck in the middle position.
In a situation where the skid and SP get along or at least are civil and tolerant being in the same vicinity , both parents of skid should suck it up and be able to attend the day/event along with their new partners aka SP/SO. It's childish to put a kid in the position of choosing parents or trying to play peacemaker. When my oldest DD got married after like 7yrs of being with now SIL aka The Horse's Behind, the jerk SIL went out of his way to annoy me and set me off. Nope. Didn't work. I'm an adult and mother of the bride, I can manage to not to smack SIL's smirking face and deliberate egging on for one afternoon. How I managed to smile and not yank away when the jerk ran over and was hugging on me (only to try and upset me I assure you), took more love for my daughter than hate for SIL.
I realize that's not the same thing as skid/SP but the tension and dislike and torn emotions are basically the same. I gave it as an example of how sometimes people (whether parent or stepparent) just have to suck it up for the sake of the people they love.
What I do find wrong is when divorced parents co-host an event right down to the finances and then try to control the guest list. Or when skid/SP really hate each other but SP insist they must be included. Why demand being included if SP hates the kid? If the SP hates the skid, why would they want to attend? The ol 'I must support my DH' doesn't cut it for me. In that type of a situation IMO it's just become some crazed power struggle 'pick him/her or me'. That scenario has no place in a day/event actually meant to celebrate a day/event meant to be about the skid. I'm not saying when the opposite parent and the SP dislike each other, I'm saying when the SP and skid hate each other.
Somebody who does not
Somebody who does not understand that you cannot invite one spouse and dis-invite the other should not be getting married, n'est-ce pas?
Bonne réponse! Are you fluent
Bonne réponse! Are you fluent in French?
Les Italiens disent,
Les Italiens disent, Traduttori traditori
Translators are traitors! C'est la verite!
If they expect your money,
If they expect your money, then they should expect your company. Not wanting their fathers wife there is an insult to their father. If the have strong feelings about it, fair enough. Find a way to fund th event without daddy and invite or don't invite whoever you want. Can't have it both was.
I agree with this. This
I agree with this. This question being asked on this thread is not one where there is an easy right or wrong answer. It's also not one where the skid should be labeled 'raised wrong, rude and entitled' automatically . Sure those kids exist...but I think if we lined up 20 different at random 'families' and heard both sides (meaning from all people involved) in whatever their personal situations are and dynamics of the relationships, we'd hear some where we'd agree skid is a rude entitled obnoxious a$$ and some we'd think 'well, I can see why the skid hates you'.
There's an example above this morning I see where a BM was tossing a party for a 3yr old and inviting the father and excluding the SM. If I were the father in that situation I would never consider having a party for my child along with my ex wife. Not only would I not just go because SM was not invited, I would have said no to the idea of a single party to begin with. When parents divorce the idea of joint birthday parties for the kid should not even be a consideration to be entertained if that's the make-up. Kind of 'thanks for the invite but I and Sm will be having our own birthday celebration with junior'. Yes, there are some cases where BM/Dad and the stepparents all get along would be fine but IMO there are just way too many other times that joint birthday parties ideas are just crazy to even suggest.
I honestly think that if I had a family situation where everything was going to be a fight and lots of hurt feelings over my wedding and who can and can't attend or who is going to be upset over it, I'd seriously consider eloping and telling them all to go to hell.
Absolutely correct
Absolutely correct imaStepmom, providing adult children are paying for their own events. However the problem
Is that all too often these adult kids expect their parents and partners to pay for these events yet they still want the right to exclude the partner. Not on. You cannot expect someone to pay for your function, but tell them they are not invited.
My opinion is tough shit to
My opinion is tough shit to the Skid regardless of the Skid's age. If my DW goes, I go and vise versa. If either of us receives an invitation we both go. I would just RSVP (2) and both of us would go if an invitation was for only one of us. As for a specific request for my DW to not attend or me not to attend an event ... my DW does not go, my checkbook stays closed ... and vise versa.
You want me to pay for HS, College, Weddings, etc... then my bride participates or pay for it yourself. But, if I get an invitation, she comes with me so the Skid tempers their behavior accordingly or I bare their ass if they try to make a scene about it when my bride and I arrive at the event. Nothing overt but also not easily ignored either.
If you don't want my bride there, don't send me an invitation..... and vise versa.
Excluding a Sparent is nothing more than a manipulation and injection of drama.
Fortunately I don't have BKs and my Skid and I are very close. So, we should not have to deal with this particular situation.
IMHO of course.
I get anxiety just thinking
I get anxiety just thinking about this because I know some day it is coming! In my situation, I raised SD14 for eight years. She physically and emotionally hurt my children, told lies in the community that I was physically abusing her, called me curse words, stole my belongings and money and the list goes on and on. I used to be "Mom" to her, the only mom she had (her mom abandoned her). Raised her while her dad was deployed, etc etc etc. She hates my guts and will not even acknowledge my presence in a room. Now she calls me by my first name and the so called adults in the situation let her get away with it.
So...if I am not invited, do I want my DH to say he will then not go? I think so, or at least I thought so. That would be the supportive thing to do and would show his loyalty lies with me. But then he wouldn't get to walk her down the aisle so she might hate him, too. Would DH really be the one that is punished instead of SD? If DH goes and I am not invited, I would be humiliated that she thought she was "winning" since she thinks we are competing for him.
So I don't know...I think I would want DH to not go out of respect for me, but I would also feel badly for him being stuck in the middle. But SD put him there, not me. If she was a decent child I would have no problem continuing as "Mom".