Just venting
My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. We've known each other for quite some time, since high school to be exact. We dated off and on throughout our twenties but neither of us were ready for a serious relationship. In one of our off phases, he got a girl pregnant, he was dating her for a mere few weeks. She decided she was ready to be a mom, my boyfriend expressed that he was not necessarily ready to be a dad. From what I understand he was with her throughout the pregnancy, (long distance for a few months) and shortly after the baby was born he decided he just wasn't happy. There was no visitation for the first year, just financial support. Shortly after we got together he received a call from the child support office (I think she found out he had moved on), he was being taken to court for more money than he was already giving. He decided to go after partial custody after numerous visit requests that were declined. Finally things are settled and we see the baby weekly. I can't help but feel overwhelmed sometimes because although the baby is sweet and clings to me, I wish it were just he and I. I feel resentment like the BM got in my way. She didn't even hardly know my bf yet wanted to have a child with him. I have known him forever it feels like and couldnt even think of having a child with him yet. She knew he had a good job, she doesn't work and still lives at home. I can't help but see it that she saw him as a meal ticket. I get resentment for my bf that he even did what he did in the first place. The baby is a sweet, loving child but my bf does visitation to fulfill an obligation because he does feel the child should not go without knowing him, which I agree but he doesnt even see himself or want to see himself as a dad right now. I can't help but feel restricted sometimes with the visits. We recently had to skip a visit due to covid 19, and it was such an enjoyable weekend just the two of us. Sometimes I become skeptical if this really is for me. If I made a pro/con list this would be one of 2 cons on the list (the other is dysfunctional family).. Other than that he treats my perfectly we have such a strong bond.. I feel guilty for my feelings of being restricted because its just one day a week... But not having my own children and embarking on terrible twos with his child sounds like a less than pleasant journey sometimes... I am also scared for the future in terms of what things will be like. I am a chronic worrier.
Something to think about
You do have things to think about. You are being very clear-eyed about the situation and your feelings, thats good. One thing I would suggest for your BF (and perhaps you, if you decide to continue in the relationship) is parenting classes. He probably doesn't have any experience with children and this child has landed in his life. The baby didn't ask for this scenario and it would be fair to the child. Good luck, you seem like a thoughtful person.
Well, also consider that a
Well, also consider that a woman who withholds a child from the father for the first year of his/her life, is not above doing that again. She's likely the type to work hard to make herself the favored parent and turn the kid against both of you. It takes a while to kick in when that happens, usually not until age 9 or so, but once it does, it's ugly and painful. And there may be years of high conflict behavior from her, withholding visits, etc.
Plus - how is your BF going to be as a father if he's only doing it out of obligation? Babies are cute, but is he prepared to actually PARENT? I'd argue that an absent father is better than an uninterested father.
Anyway, good for you for thinking about all of these things. And last but not least, his visits should not be EVERY weekend.
Sounds like instead of an
Sounds like instead of an every week visitation schedule it is time for your BF to shift to an EOWE so that you have dedicated couple time Skid free.
The one primary advantage that an NCP has is that they do not have to take COd visitation while a CP has to care for the Skid if the NCP refuses visitation. So, BF can go to EOWE if he chooses. It may motivate BM to go back to court, but .... if the result is EOWE becoming official that is an improvement.
Good luck.