Hey, first time posting here, I had joined up a year ago but never got around to posting anything because I spent a lot of time going through other posts and found some great advice, there are some real horror stories to read unfortunately, but you do find some good stories or a good update from someones original post, this post is not so much me needing help but just for other like minded step parents to give advice from their perspective.

I am 36yo, have been with my SO for 6 years (3 years married), and I have a SD14 & SD16, the Biodad has been out of their lives for approx 8/9 years now and has no parental rights whatsoever, mental health issues and abuse attributed to this.

I have no Bio kids of my own.

When I first started dating my SO we simply clicked, the down to earth personality and complete honesty just blew me away, we had met through friends and that's how we started out, before dating I had met my future SD's a couple of times and had a general idea of the situation, naturally this built a good foundation as me and SO transitioned into dating, after a few years we both asked the girls how they would feel if we all moved in together, being at a new rental house, and they were happy with the decision.

At the beginning my younger SD (8/9 at the time) was very compassionate and would give hugs when I would come home/leave home etc, which was lovely, however I was also very cautious, knowing what the girls had been through, of setting the right boundaries and I was very hesitant with showing physical affection at the very beginning, my older SD (10/11) was much more hesitant, still very respectful and accepted me but just by reading her body language I knew to just keep the communication there and simply just try to be a friend and gain the trust of both girls.

Me and SO got married after 3 years, it was a lovely wedding with family and friends and the girls were heavily involved, after this we moved and the girls started going to new schools and we started new jobs, it was just like a fresh start and a home that we could all call home in our blended family.

My younger SD (Now 11/12) was beginning to show some troubling signs of mental health issues, the outbursts were violent and anything could make these outburst start, she also began to self harm and was mixing with other friends who seemed to have similiar personalities, SO up to this point was the main disciplinarian and was very good with her children, I feel that they did get away with some things and didn't tend to do a whole lot around the house but I also feel that some of this reason is because SO had some guilt about their past and things that she could not control, I did step in to back SO up when needed and I also helped around the house with SO which also improved our relationship, I do believe that being a step parent should be more of a role model/guidance counsellor position, if the kids show some respect then they will listen to you and generally do what you want them to do but for the main part of discipline it should be the Bioparent that leads.

I did make a mistake one time, when one of these outbursts hurt SO and made her cry in pain, of getting angry and shouting at SD14 (11/12 at the time), the expected words of "It's time to leave" "You are not welcome here" were said by SD but after another 30 minutes SO would be in the room of SD and they would both be crying, then most of the time SD would say it was something that happened at school or with one of her friends, she was expressing her anger because she didn't know how to properly let it out.

After trying to see many specialists, doctors, psychologists, it took a while before medications were put in place, signs of mental illness were distressing and likely this medication will be a permanent fixture as she grows older.

My SD16 (Now 13/14) tried to help when these outbursts were happening, but ended up getting hurt herself, I took the time to speak with SD16 privately and just explained a bit of the situation and asked her if she was ok, it was difficult to have a proper conversation as she was quiet and held back so I didn't push too hard and just let her know that I would always be there to talk or just to listen.

My relationship with SD14 (12/13) hit rock bottom, she really hated me and we just couldn't see eye to eye about anything, I came to the point where I was thinking that I was holding a grudge on her for hurting her BM and making myself depressed by holding this grudge on her, this just manifested into a toxic home environment, that's actually when I joined this forum as I just had nowehere to turn to, SO knew this too and I heard her on many occasions talk with SD/14 (12/13) about the relationship between SD and me ina  good light, however there was always something that I would do that seemed to annoy SD, it was a very bad time.

Whilst this was happening, I felt that my relationship with SD16 (14/15) was improving, she had joined up at a sporting club and I had taken a heavy interest by taking her to training and watching her games, I felt that even just the car trips to a game it gave a chance to talk if she wanted to, many times it was just the radio and no talking, that's fine too and really it's about not putting pressure on the kids, let them come to you if they want to talk or get advice or give you a hug etc, ofcourse not every single time just wait for them to start a conversation but just learn to read their body language and don't take everything personally, put youself in their shoes before critisising or complaining.

The big turning point I had with SD14 was pretty much when she turned 14, I wrote out a letter and handed it to her, it was a long letter that just explained how much I loved her and would always treat her like my own daughter, that I was sorry for getting angry and pretty much asked if we could have a clean slate and start again, this showed an instant impact and from then on the outbursts were rare (the medications had also kicked in) and the way we communicated was from a different place, there was no anger towards me and it started to feel like a friendship was forming.

SD16 has been a bit more distant, not intentionally, but with new friends and boyfriends etc more time is spent on her phone and out and about so it has been more difficult to have a conversation or one on one time, also her attitude has become a bit more typical teenager (it's all about me) style, I feel that everything I read about raising teenage girls just tells you that it will be crazy, so I expect the crazy attitudes and other things that are probably happening in her life.

I currently pay for her new phone, and she has been looking for a job so that she can start paying for it herself, or at least help out, but she had been complaining and arguing about not being able to keep her phone and why am I punishing her.

As it has been difficult to sit down and talk I sent SD16 a message recently just saying that I have noticed the "it's all about me" attitude and a lot of the reasoning behind me asking her to start paying for her own phone is because of attitude more than money, yes I don't have an endless amount of money and if you start thinking about others and what they do for you then you might see changes in the way things happen for you.

I felt that this was a bit harsh, but I sent it anyway just because I felt with other things too she was just turning into a girl who wanted to do nothing but get everything handed to her, I was trying to word it in a way that I was giving her advice, not in an aggresive tone but ina text you can't really show tone of voice.

The response from SD16 was: I am so sorry and I appreciate everything that you do.

Short but sweet, since then SD16 has been saying thankyou a lot and showing her appreciation, in regards to physical affection it is similiar to the very beginning, she has never come up to hug me and I haven't wanted to make things awkward by showing a bit more affection by trying to give her a hug, say when she is feeling down etc, she shows her affection more in words.

I see some posts on this site asking why their SD will not hug them or why do they feel uncomfortable etc and it just takes common sense to really open up your eyes and think about the daughter or son, spend some time in their shoes and really think if you were in their position would you give you a hug, maybe when they grow older and more mature they will respect you in a different way but never force it and read their body language, all the time.

The latest message I sent to SD16 was if she wanted to go surfing one day soon, just the two of us, to which she replied that she would like that, I find that sometimes writing a note or sending a message takes the possible awkwardness or pressure out of a situation, it would have been easy to make an excuse if she did not want to and I made it clear in the message that if she wasn't comfortable in just us two going surfing then that's ok too, just thought it would be a fun activity to do.

I intend on inviting SD14 out to do an activity she enjoys for some one on one time too, howevr both girls have very diferent personalities and requires a different action plan.

SO is delighted that the bonding between myself and both SD's is going well.

There is probably a lot more that I can write, and I do think that the tone of this all sounds right, but I would like to hear what advice or views others have, looking from the outside, as the girls grow up.

Thanks!