I'm tired of being used!!
I'm a childless stepmom of 3 kids ages 7, 11, and 13. The 7 and 13 year old have the same mom and the 11 year old has a different mom. He has joint custody of the 13 and 7 year old (every other week) and the 11 year he has every other weekend. The 13 year old isn't even my husbands bio child but he has raised her since she was a baby so he considers her his child and she calls him dad. The 11 year old has ADHD and he drives me up the wall sometimes. The thing is I have a full time job and I also work a lot of overtime some weeks. DH wants me to pick up kids from school and shuttle the 13 year old to all her practices (she is in 4 diff choirs!!! It's insane!!). And on top of all that I'm supposed to clean the house, cook supper and somewhere in there still maintain a marriage! Hats off to bio moms who do this everyday. Doing all this has definitely reaffirmed my decision not to have children! I mean even if I considered it we couldn't afford it anyway! My question to y'all is how to keep from going insane? Or running away never to look back???
I did actually get fed up the
I did actually get fed up the last time the kids were here. I basically went on bitch mode and started delegating duties out to the kids and my husband. I got a few dirty looks but it oh so worth it watching my hubby make the bed and my step daughter scrub her toilet! I love his kids but sometimes I'm just exhausted after work and all I want to do is just go home and sleep. I work at a school so I'm always off work when the kids are out of school and I understand he can't be there because of his job. Sometimes his mom will pick them up for me when I have to work late. His ex wife is manipulative, controlling and just downright crazy! When he had to work out of town she was caught sleeping around so many times! She is a very selfish person and will not help out any if it is his week with the kids. It's just a hard situation either which way you look at it....
It is usually a thankless
It is usually a thankless job, I describe it as having all of the responsibility of a "manager" without the title (orr pay
)
But I've got to wonder why some of you stay if you're so unhappy?? I am a 24yr old childlesd SM of 2 SS's 5 & 6. BM is pretty much out of the picture. SO works from 2pm to 10:30pm, I work from 9am to 12 and do hybrid (partially online) classes in between times and evenings I take care of the kids 100% on my own. SO and I have similar, strict patenting styles and are very much in love. I have every reason in the world to be pessimistic, negative and hateful to SS's and BM Or ven SO at times (I didn't "sign up" for full time kids, I thought she'd have partial custody,or EOW arrangements, ect) but I CHOOSE to make the best of what I have because of the true love between my SO and I. I have accepted that he is a package deal and that to love all of him, I need to love the children. They deserve a stable POSITIVE home life and a happy SM who cares and loves them.
There is; however, a point to where if your needs aren't being met aswell, that you either talk it over with SO & try to work on it or leave.
Give the kids
Give the kids responsibilities aka clean the bathroom, help cook dinner, make a chart and give out reward like picking a movie to watch for those who do their chores
When I started dating SO he
When I started dating SO he had a SK from Jabba. It was what it was and he came to us every 2nd weekend. Until he looked SO in the face and told him he wasn't his real dad. Jabba was marrying H2 and that would be his new daddy. SO sent a lawyers letter notifying Jabba he no longer wanted SK EOWE but would take him every other Friday night and wean him off visits.
Yea actually this week
Yea actually this week starting Wednesday we supposed to have the 13 year old and the 7 year old till next Wednesday but bm texted me yesterday while I was waiting for the 13 year old to get out of practice asking if I could drop off some fundraiser stuff after practice, I told the 13 year old that we were going by her moms house and she said she wanted to stay so I didn't argue with her. I know in the future probably sooner than later she will stop coming over altogether. I think the reason she has been coming over is just to get things bought for her. We've paid for clothes, trips for school, costumes for school plays, etc. and she has mention several times about what kind of car she wants when she turns 16. I've told dh that he is crazy if he thinks he is buying a car for her! He has 2 biological children that he has to worry about! It's sad to say the 13 year old is just like her mom always asking for this and that! I mean it's not that I'm unhappy I'm just a little frustrated about the situation. I love my husband to pieces and his kids are just part of him. It is a package deal. I guess I just need to quit being so dang helpful and just let dh takes some responsibility. I guess I'm a bit of control freak I would just rather do something myself and get it done and over with.
She will stop coming if you
She will stop coming if you act like she is not wanted. I tried to play the hero too. Sorry but it doesn't work. She will be BM eyes and ears and be exactly like her mom. As long as she is getting something she is game! Stop buying for her and watch her go. Eventually her calling hi
Dad or father will bother you. Esp, is ya'll are trying to have one of your own and you lose the babies and she smiles everytime. She will continue to call him dadddddy just to upset you and get brownie points from her BM or other side. Been there!
Stop letting yourself be
Stop letting yourself be used.
If your DH cannot handle joint custody, perhaps he shouldn't have it. It's not up to you to shuttle these kids around and do for them.
I have never wanted kids so I sure didn't want to be taking care of someone else's.
I have a question about the
I have a question about the one that isn't his but calls him dad. Does he pay child support or is it on paper he is financially responsible? Also, has this affected your relationship about ex step kid and BM acting like he needs to be more responsible? Just curious how that works for you.
No he doesn't pay child
No he doesn't pay child support on her. Although her mom is always asking for money to pay for stuff for her. My hubby has definitely learned how to tell her no instead of just giving in when it comes to the stepdaughter. It's sad in a way but then again that is not his child and he has come to understand and accept that. It was hard at first for him because he doesn't have a biological daughter and even more so since she definitely plays off of the whole "daddy's girl" thing. But I think he has come to see the way she manipulates and certain characteristics are identical to her mom plus her mom has basically let us know in a roundabout way that she has been getting information from her daughter about us. That really was the straw that broke the camels back...
And it hasn't really affected our relationship dealing with the situation with the step daughter. It took some adjusting but we try to communicate our feelings to each other the best we can although sometimes I hold stuff back that I shouldn't. For instance the whole "taxi" thing with the kids...
I know there is such a thing
I know there is such a thing as love, but what childless woman gives up her freedom for this gig? And the non-bio dad thing...not sure I get that timing. Did you honestly not reckon on how much work raising kids is? Are you sure you want to continue raising someone else's while giving up the chance to be a mother yourself?
You may have a huge heart, but sounds like you made a pretty bad deal for yourself, particularly when honey expects you to muck in with all the kid-schlepping. I'd not see a guy in that position as a viable partner especially if you'd rather be childless. Ugh I sound so selfish.
But that's after 30 years of raising my own kids.