Illegal Bio Mom
This will be first forum post. I just found ST today because I was looking for advice and a place to vent. I'm unsure how to proceed in this situation and feel for both sides of our family but am not entirely comfortable with the situation.
I met my husband and he's always been super sweet! Literally the nicest person you could ever meet. And he has 5 children. At first things seemed good but I did notice that his ex was very dependent on him. Not only with the kids but financially. She could not make a simple decision like "can the kids go to the pool", while she had them. Or if they needed batteries for a toy she would call and request them. She does not cook and they always request fast food because they are hungry. Anytime they are sick it's his responsibility to get them any medicine even though she receives over 1000.00 in child support. If my husband said no she would guilt trip him. I thought it was a little much and super inconvenient at times. Early in the relationship he disclosed that she is illegal and cannot work to support her half of the kids so he just picked up the slack. I did not have a huge problem back then, it was just inconvenient but manageable. Since then she has had 4 more children. I feel like she is bleeding us dry. Emotionally and financially. I've voiced my concerns and my husband feels like I'm asking him to neglect his responsibilities. We have no bio children together and he moved into my house. There is no way they could live with us in my tiny home. I just do not know how else to split support.
I'm confused, when did she have 4 more children?
I'm confused, when did she have 4 more children?
Early in the relationship he disclosed that she is illegal and cannot work to support her half of the kids so he just picked up the slack. I did not have a huge problem back then, it was just inconvenient but manageable. Since then she has had 4 more children.
If she had 4 children after you were already with your husband - how are they his responsibility? Don't they have a different father? Or were you involved with him while he was still married?
In any case, just because she is not a citizen does not mean she can't work - most people in this situation find a way to make money.
She had 4 more children after
She had 4 more children after they split up. One was a set of twins. She has her hands very full and I understand that. I want to be compassionate but it infuriated me. She always uses the fact that she's illegal and has small children to the reason she cannot work. So if he does not purchase everything they need, they flat out won't have it.
Who is the daddio?
You said she had kids after they split up. Then who is the father? The bio dad has to support his kids, your DH is not responsible for the newer additions, that is unless he is the dad.
If he is, then WTF?
ETA nevermind I just read below.
Your DH is NOT responsible for kids that arent his. Period.
I know tons of illegals that
I know tons of illegals that have jobs, cleaning homes, factories, etc. Is he a legal resident? They werent' able to obtain her a residency that way? Were the kids born here? I have a huge problem with how broken the system is- people I know that have lived in this country more then half their lives, working, paying taxes, contributing to society and they still can't get residency. It's so wrong.
Yes he is legal. They tried
Yes he is legal. They tried to obtain residency a few times while they were together but she would never follow through with rounding up all the documents they were requesting. He finally gave up when he found out she was cheating and he was pouring money into getting her paperwork in order
Early in the relationship he
Early in the relationship he disclosed that she is illegal and cannot work to support her half of the kids so he just picked up the slack.
Well, isn't that a bunch of bull. There are literally millions of undocumented immigrants in the US, many who work to support themselves and their families.
Then, she went and had 4 more kids? People like her disgust me.
Your husband is going to have to put his foot down.
Yes she has 4 more children
Yes she has 4 more children and their father left her. So she stated she is struggling even more now. So if we don't provide for his children, they will flat out go without.
I will say this, the kind of
I will say this, the kind of job an illegal can get and what is pays won't even touch the pay for ONE of her kids in childcare. At this point, I'm surprised the guy didn't take custody of the kids so she can get a job since he has employment. So basically the gal is living on CS from both sets of dads and that's it. The right thing to do was for the employed fathers to take custody -let her find work and have visitation. On the other hand they figure it's cheaper to pay her bills and have her take care of their kids full time then to deal w/caring for them themselves.
Not many options here from what I can tell. 9 children....that's a LOT
I agree with this. These
I agree with this. These fathers do not want to raise their children. If they did they would already have taken them from their mother and have majority custody time. They are happy to let their ex raise these children so that they can get on with their lives without too much inconvenience. $1000 for 5 kids is not going to go far and is pretty damn cheap as far as child support is concerned. I am sure the ex needs everyone of those extras and all the help with doctor's visits etc. If the OP's house is too small for all of these kids then it sounds like this dad doesn't even have any visitation in her home.
Expecting a mother with 9 kids (half of whom are very young) to be able to find the time to get a job that pays enough to make it worth her while is unrealistic.
OP, if the extra's are too much for you to deal with, I would probably end this relationship. My husband has one SD and pays for pretty much everything in her life. BM has never and will never make much money. He can afford it. He has a good job. I accept it as I am not subsidising SD and he only has one kid. 5 kids are a huge financial burden for anyone let alone time and energy sinks.
This guy has too many kids and not a big enough income (I'm guessing) to be worth your time. He may be the nicest, best, sexiest partner alive - but 5 kids is too many step kids in my opinion (4 or 5 too many in my mind).
BM is a financial security
BM is a financial security breeder apparently. Nauseating.
Time for the dads to take kids and get BM in contact withe ICE.
Because that is what these 9
Because that is what these 9 kids need...their mother living in a different country....I am not sure how that solves anything for the children, their fathers, their mother or the OP. It doesn't sound like either father wants the children full time.
I would skip getting her in
I would skip getting her in contact with ICE, she is still their mom, kids still need both parents. I guarantee you these stepmoms aren't going to take 5 and 4 kids to raise as their own, nor should they.
BM is the common denominator
BM is the common denominator for all 9 kids across two failed families.
What kid, much less 9 kids, needs that kind of influence in their life?
The OP indicates the BM is incapable of feeding, obtaining medical care, and making basic decisions regarding care for the kids.
If a call to ICE resolves the problem......
WRONG-first of all *uck ICE.
WRONG-first of all *uck ICE. Evil incarnate right there. 2nd- she is still their mom, she's apparently the only one raising the kids. Those dads don't want the daily responsibility and rather the 'useless' bm keep them. There is still absolutely ZERO reason to tear their mother away from them with ICE> THat is absolutely despicable and evil Rags, and you know it. There is nothing that says she's abusive-it strikes me as she was likely a young, illiterate or undereducated woman with little resources in life to learn to do better. That does NOT mean she's of no value to her children.
ANd again, you think these dads want to take 5 and 4 kids respectively, or that the stepmoms should be the ones to take over when they have an able mom that's been doing it all this time? .
An able mom? Where?
Emotions and anger won't fix the problem. What is the solution?
I don't know what either BioDad is willing to do. We know only what the OP shared. An illegal alien BM, 9 kids, two failed families, and incapable of feeding, obtaining medical care for the OP's skids, and incapable of making basic daily decisions.
A call to ICE solves that issue by potentially removing the BM from the equation.
There is no argument that kids should have their parents. However, not all parents are quality parents and some are more of a problem than others. This BM is apparently one of those.
So many children
I know this is off the topic - but as a bioless step mother who would have LOVED to have her own kiddos, this just makes me feel like crap on so many levels.
It would seem this BM is basically a paid nanny. How can she possibly keep having children? Is something wrong with her that she doesnt understand how unhealthy it is to keep having children that she us unable to take care of? If she is THAT helpless as to keep asking for help in the most basic of things, it would seem to me that she might be a person with special needs. Not being able to do paperwork or get batteries...it leads me to wonder about her...
Rather than being THAT Bm that uses her children as a tool for money and power, it would seem shes probably really overwhelmed.
But I digress.
Someone needs to educate her on proper birth controll.
I completely agree. I could
I completely agree. I could be wrong, but it would seem it could be one of those classic scenarios of continued under-educated poverty cycles having lots of kids, very young, etc. Yes, I also wonder about her capacity to parent being she can't do these average things? Or is there some kind of developmental delay? I would hope she meets a good role model or friend that can help her establish herself better in the community and as a parent. There is no job on earth that will pay her to afford daycare-and being illegal she won't be able to access those subsidies/help that those with papers can. A lose-lose situation honestly. I feel bad for her and the kids tbh. The only alternative would be that dad pays for child care /adjusted CS or something that allows her to work from home -but without papers. I'm hoping she can find a good immigration attorney that helps her get her papers in order and then she can start a plan-or at least get some assistance with subsidies/childcare, etc so she can find work. My heart goes out to her honestly. It's a cycle that's hard to break and it comes from the holds of lack of education/poverty.
Why doesn't he get custody of
Why doesn't he get custody of the children? Yes, space will be an issue but I think an incompetent BM is worse. If he has custody he won't be paying her CS and it can go towards a bigger place. Also if he can't afford them all he could probably apply for assistance since he has residency here. From what it sounds like leaving them in her care is neglectful. She won't cook and won't provide necessary medication for her own kids. She also had 4 more children without a way to properly care and support them. She obviously isn't all there if she thought having 9 kids without income was a good idea. She is literally sitting around waiting for him to take care of everything.
No one has mentioned this but
No one has mentioned this but why would you chose to date a man with at least 5 kids with a leeching illegal alien?
Surely you can do better?