I want to back out so bad... Why cant I?!
So other than bm and his kids, my relationship with fdh is great. I dont mind kids at all. However his son (10) and daughter 
comes with a mother that is basically trailer trash who spends her times trying to find the next loser to move in and back outta her house. fss10 has been hit by a car and both of them are known to just wander the streets (in the ghetto non the less) when they are with her (of course she is mother of the year though).
I dont have to deal with them being ignorant or any of that but they are a TON of work as the boy has no common sense and his goal for every second of the day is rambling on about whatever passes through his head. His daughter is a little better. I do NOT in any way want to be a mother to these two kids. I only consider myself in their life as support to my fiancee as they are his children. He only has them every other weekend.
There have been various issues and while we talk about him taking her back to court and I think with the record we have kept about her psychoness and unstable life style that he could get full custody. But I know deep down, I only want that just to rub it in her face that she is a piece of shit mother (loves her children yes, but she is where her son got his "smarts" and she is the definition of ghetto). I do not want these kids full time! I will have my own kids one day and raise them with manners (that her kids are clueless to), respect (huh, whats that?) and they wont have a bunch of alcoholics or potheads moving in and out of the house.
I want to be there for the kids (because they are my future husbands) but I hate his bm so much that I know I am wishing for something I dont want. I need to just remind myself to shut my mouth and be glad I only have to deal with them 4 days a week. THere were several points I got too involved with them that emotionally it was causing problems because I wanted to protect them from the shit their mother puts them through but at the same time I dont want the constant fight of having them. I dont want someone elses kids, I dont want to completely disengage (I cant anyways with fdh work schedule and the CO) and I am really struggling to find the balance between just being step mom and going above or below that. I already know what I am getting myself into with marrying him so yes, I have thought and rethought about the wedding so that advice is not necessary. Does anyone know how to reach that balance? I thought about writing myself a letter and hiding it somewhere that I can go read everytime I feel the desire to get too involved. Any other suggestions?
If you are sure you want to
If you are sure you want to be with this man, you have to find a balance. It's one thing that these are his kids, but if you have children , then they will also be your child's brother and sister. Do you want them to have blood ties to your child forever? This is something you really have to think about. I do NOT love or like my SD11. I don't want her to be a part of my angel's life. I have no choice in that anymore. Even though she has nothing to do with me , I can't say the same for my daughter. Yeah , you have them four days a week ... but what if when one turns 13 they want to move in with daddy? You are going to have to help finance them for life. You'll have to help with their college/weddings/general crap. Are you prepared for that?
Good luck hun! I am so deeply in love with my husband and my child, but the fact that he will always have that past that is constantly rubbed in my face depresses me on a daily basis. I can't tell you how many times I wish it was just us.
See, I feel the same way as
See, I feel the same way as you. I love him and everything is wonderful..... except for having to deal with bm. I think I could shape the kids up if they ended up being with us and I believe that his son eventually will be. I think all the people in and out of his moms house is stressing him out and 2 of the 4 other people living in her house right now are mean to him and he does not want to be there. THere is 8 people in a 3 bedroom house. But it takes a lot to prove a mother unfit unless there are drug tests that show heavy drugs. I dont want to put in the money or effort into it honestly. One thing is he does stand aside when I put my foot down on things when it comes to putting up with their behavior. He understands this is my home as well and that his kids are a lot to take on. I dont think I am mean to them but I am much more strict than their mother but they dont seem to mind it, I think deep down fss10 knows he needs it.
What I want is to be able to not care about her at ALL. If the kids decide they eventually want to be here, I am fine by that because I know my rules will be followed or they will be living in their room. She is just a selfish person and acts like the only thing my fiancee is, is a paycheck. Her son tells me if he asks to see his dad, she gets mad and sometimes even grounds him for it. She calls him a deadbeat dad because he doesnt jump when she (not the kids) needs him to.
I'm reminded of the story of
I'm reminded of the story of the woman who describing her husband says that other than being a serial killer he's a great husband and father.
Like the bodies these kids and BM are not going away. Surely there must be a million childless men to choose from?
If only anyone had told me
If only anyone had told me this: "RUN!!!! Run like the wind!!
I've been with DH for 2.5 years now and I'm trying to work things out because I love him and because I'm not a quitter, but mainly because I gave up everything for him and I'm gonna make it be worth it. But if I had read everything on this site before I got married, I swear I would have run. I do not recommend this to anyone...
Sounds like you have doubts. The BM is what she is and she will ALWAYS be there to make your life miserable. And just wait until you have the kids full time or even a bit more than you have them now.
Being a step mother sucks BIG TIME! It's a lot of work and there are absolutely no rewards. No man is worth it. Sorry!
aniQ, don't be sorry - you're
aniQ, don't be sorry - you're not wrong. I sometimes think about how my life would have been different (not perfect - just different) if I had the smarts to RUN. Of course then I wouldn't have my son and he is an amazing young man with an amazing young wife and watching them start their life together is such a rewarding experience that I wouldn't trade for the world.
But...my children and I went through HELL because of the skids and the way both of their parents "parented" (or NOT) them. Soon-to-be-ex dh was NOT worth it.
Read the book "Stepmonster,"
Read the book "Stepmonster," by Wednesday Martin.
It will help you figure out where that line is.
Thanks for all the advice and
Thanks for all the advice and support. I just need to keep reminding myself how great everything is when they are not here and that they are not and never will be my kids; and I need to keep it that way. I think I am going to write myself a letter for anytime I start getting involved. Too much of my life is concerned with his ex because of all the problems she has started in the past. The only time she causes problems now is when she is in between men and has no one else to revolve her problems on except fdh. She will naturally dig a hole for herself and her kids will both realize the loser she is. I dont want to have to get up on my days off every single day to take care of kids that are not mine, listen to their bickering 24/7 and have to remind them how to act in public every time we leave the house. Her kids are embarrassing and its her own fault. I dont mind if they eventually live here as they will live under our rules and the things that are allowed at her house will NOT be allowed here. I will work on enjoying my free life without them till then.
I love my DH so incredibly
I love my DH so incredibly much and I feel blessed to have him in my life (now), when we got together he came with two Daughters that I accepted whole heartedly. But, IF I had known all the drama and trouble that marrying into this in the beginning would have included however, I NEVER would have married him in the first place. I was naive and thought way too positively of the situation for my own good. I was blind sided by the drama and problems that I never expected to happen.....this of course included a very rough road with the BM's (each SD has a different BM), but it also included other family members who had a past and good relationship with those BM's....it also included the girls of course and mutual family friends. People will take sides. There will be LOT'S of issues.
I'm telling you out of kindness, there will be other people who get involved and into your business. Expect hateful emails, text messages, phone calls...to be spied on through Facebook, Twitter....remember that those kids will ALWAYS be his children and they get older and grow up. Teenaged and adult Skids are more difficult than younger ones....wait until they want Daddy to buy them a car, to give them gas money, want Daddy to buy them an expensive suit or dress for prom....it will never end once your involved. Weekend custody or full custody it might as well be the same, because even when they're not actually in your home....they will be there. Trust me.