I think she does this on purpose…….opinions?
I think I figure out one of BM’s games and would like your opinions. I will give you 2 very recent conversations to compare. The first one is between me and my exh about BS14 …
Me – BS14 hurt his knee in his football game last night, when it happened we figured it was just a sprain as there was very little swelling and he could still walk on it. I gave him ibuprofen, an ice pack and sent him to bed. This morning it is extremely swollen and he cannot walk on it so I am taking him to the doctor, I will let you know what they say.
Exh- No Reply At All and pretty much I am fine with that because I have given him all the information that I have and do not need to have a conversation with him at this point.
And after each appointment my BS14 has had for his knee I have let exh know what was said and when the next appointment is. I never get a reply but do I really need one? I don’t think so.
Now for last nights conversation between DH and BM
BM – I’m heading to the er with SD12
DH – Why?
BM – Think she broke her finger
DH – It’s 11pm when did this happen
BM – About 15 minutes ago
DH – Ok let me know what they say
He did not get another text at all from BM, not even to let him know what the Dr said so this morning he text her
DH – What did the Dr say about SD12’s finger?
BM – It is just a sprain.
The major difference between these two conversations is that I give my ex all the information that I have, I have no need to engage him in conversation, I have a duty to keep him informed about his children. BM, NEVER gives all the information in her first message to DH, she’s always very vague. I told DH that she does this on purpose to get him to engage in conversation with her and that I believe it is because she is still emotionally invested in him. He says he is not so sure about all that. But I really think I am right, I have no emotions invested in my ex, there is nothing there for me, he is the father of my children and that is it (a crappy one but still their father). I have no need to have conversations with him unless a major decision needs to be made about the children. But it seems like BM goes out of her way to be vague and to not give all information needed just because she NEEDS him to reply to her.
What do you all think?
She likes drama and needs
She likes drama and needs attention.
Oh this is a given, she loves
Oh this is a given, she loves drama and loves to cause drama.
Definitely engaging him in
Definitely engaging him in conversation. But you can't just ignore it. No great answer there. Ours does the same always I can tell when she's feeling less attention from her DH.
Okay let me explain that I deal with something similar on the regular with BM.
Kids sick? or hurt? = Attention from DH, family, friends, facebook.
So she will freak out and (this JUST HAPPENED 3 nights ago to us) and texts us late and tells us that Skid has all these issues, got hurt, bumped her head, etc.' And she's rushing her to the ER.
DH says 'ok. Let me know.'
Ours never ignores us, but she will exaggerate EVERYTHING the doctor says and make multiple facebook posts asking for prayers. A bumped head turned into all kinds of other words she came up with and a return visit the next day because she 'still didn't look right.'
DH and I have both gotten really good at keeping it short to not feed into this munchausen crap.
"ok. Let me know." and 'Thanks'. He's even better at it than I am.
I think she doesn't write back because she didn't have anything to tell you but at least she's not lying (yet) about the issue.
BM feels the need to inform
BM feels the need to inform us every time SD has a nightmare. For real lol. Sooooo needy.
This is how BM used to be.
This is how BM used to be. When we first started dating, she'd call every morning to let him know what their schedule was for the day and how their night went.
Then I started answering the phone and asking why she'd call a man who worked so late so early in the morning. Then he sent her an email that said 'Please only contact me about medical issues...'
And then it was medical issue after medical issue for daaaayyyss. These BMs are ridiculous.
The reasons I shoot my exhusband an email:
Medical
verify schedule
issues at school or home that he MUST be aware of.
Done.
DH never answers her unless
DH never answers her unless it's important. He never has...so I have no idea why she continues, but I just have to laugh. Seriously...his texting thread with her is just 25 messages of her talking to herself.
"I am taking SD to Canada's Wonderland on Friday. I think she will enjoy it."
Nothing
"She is really excited"
Nothing
"Can you make sure you read with her this weekend?"
Nothing
"She is going to be tired tonight when she gets there"
Nothing
"Ok"
Nothing.
Lol seriously just pages and pages of her pointless texts with no reply from DH. WHY??
Good! That's the only way to
Good! That's the only way to do it!
Good! That's the only way to
Good! That's the only way to do it!
Sometimes I wonder if he does
Sometimes I wonder if he does actually know what she is doing but is afraid if he doesn't reply she will not keep him up to date with what is going on. SD's don't come to see him like they are supposed to, there is always one reason or another as to why they just don't want to and I think her constant text's about taking the SD's to the doctor are at least one way of him having some info on his girls. She rushes the SD's to the Dr, Er, Urgent Care...at least once a week, seriously we get 1-2 EOB's on these 2 girls every single week. So he is getting constant updates to all of their imagined hurts. Maybe by continuing to play her game it is his way of still getting to be in his daughters lives.
Because several months ago
Because several months ago they went to mediation and against all of the advice I gave him he listened to his attorney and agreed that neither girl can be "forced" into visitation. I told him he did not have to listen to the attorney and did not have to agree to it but when he was there the attorney and mediator told him to agree and he did. He is sorry now that he listened.
GRRR!!! I hate it when BM’s
GRRR!!! I hate it when BM’s do this! Normally I wouldn’t care if we learn something after the fact regarding doctor’s appointments unless it’s an ER visit. While DH was at his 2 week Annual Training for his unit I read a post by BM on FB requesting prayers for SS12 because she was taking him to the ER due to him having trouble breathing. This is not a small issue. I texted DH asking if he knew SS12 was going to the ER. DH told me no, he didn’t know. He immediately called BM asking what’s wrong with SS12. BM’s excuse was she knew he was at Annual Training and didn’t know if she could text him. That’s BS because no matter what he is doing he will always answer a call or text when it comes to an emergency with his kids. I’m still annoyed about that. A father shouldn’t have to learn his child is going to the ER via Facebook!
Hmm I actually see both sides
Hmm I actually see both sides here. At first I agreed she is probably trying to get him to engage in conversation, but then I realized DH does kind of the same thing with BM. He doesn't tell her anything but that's because he has her full time, she provides no support, and is in general a huge POS. Not sure how involved your skid's BM is in their life so maybe that makes a difference.
They are with her all of the
They are with her all of the time, DH is supposed to have SD's Thurs-Monday 3 weeks a month but BM has PAS'd both girls so much and has them convinced if dad is not taking them out shopping and spending all his money on them every time they come then they don't need to come, and they don't very often. YSD12 came out about 3 weeks ago, she asked DH to buy her a hamster, DH told her no because there is no one to take care of it if she is not with us, the next morning she snuck out of our house and went back to BM's. Apparently BM picked her up and sent DH a text after she got back home.
No he does not respond to me
No he does not respond to me about our boys at all, he has talked to them both once on the phone and once by text since March. I have let him know about all appointments regarding BS14's knee with yesterdays message letting him know that BS14 has to have surgery...........still no response from him.
I don't know then, I'd say
I don't know then, I'd say comparing your situation with your ex to DH's with BM isn't really helpful. Your ex is a very uninvolved father, where it sounds like your DH would *like* to be involved (if the kids and BM would allow it). They're both extreme - a "happy medium" would be more somewhere in the middle. So yes, BM and DH might have a "conversation" via text and not just one single text.
It doesn't necessarily mean she wants him back or anything though. Some people just have crappy communication skills. Honestly, my own DH is kind of like this. He called me one day at work and said, "You need to come home." Why? "I have to take DS4 to the ER." WHAT?!? What happened? "He fell and dislocated his elbow." Jesus H Christ on a biscuit, STOP MAKING ME ASK! But he was kind of freaked out, and... well... his communication skills are not always the best.
So yeah, she *might* be doing it on purpose, and it *might* be because she wants to engage with DH. But it might not too, and it might be more because she's hoping he won't even respond if she doesn't give him any info so she can tell the girls "See? Dad doesn't even care enough to ask what happened." *shrug* You just can't possibly guess her motivation. I think NOT texting her back would be a mistake though - he'd come off like your own ex, like he doesn't care, and she'd be sure to point that out to them.
I totally understand what you
I totally understand what you are saying and would love a happy medium, I know he will always respond when it is about his kids and do NOT want that to change. He is their father and he should be involved in their lives, I just think that BM tries to get him to engage in conversations when there is no need for anything more than "Ok let keep me up to date".
Oh I totally agree that it's
Oh I totally agree that it's annoying! (I was ready to kill my own DH that time!) Especially given the frequency - you said she's got them in the ER every other week, right? Our BM was the same. She brought them in for headaches. Are you kidding me?!? And once DH knew it was for a headache he'd say, "OK, let me know what happens" and then we wouldn't hear back either. Fortunately mine are older so for the last several years he's been able to just call THEM to find out what happened and not have to deal with BM at all.
Not too long ago BM took
Not too long ago BM took YSD12 to the ER for a zit on her knee...A ZIT!!! ER doc told her it was an ingrown hair from SD shaving, BM did not like his answer so she insisted on a dermatologist recommendation. Took SD to the dermatologist, $40 copay that DH has to pay 76% of, just to be told yep it is a zit from resulting from an ingrown hair because of SD shaving her legs. Dermatologist popped the zit and sent them on their way.
This is exactly how my exH
This is exactly how my exH is. He ignores our 3 boys. The times I have let him know about serious medical conditions, he ignores my call. Now I don't tell him anything. He has no visitation, 0% custody--physical and legal. He doesn't care, doesn't call, doesn't pay child support; NOTHING. he has lost his rights to know ANYTHING. he can call me when he starts caring which will be never!!! My DH is a good stepfather to them. My boys are really close with him.
Dh's BM is like this too. I
Dh's BM is like this too. I think I've gotten DH to finally understand he doesn't need to respond to everything. BM takes his girls (sd11 and sd8) to the dr at least 3 times a week, and ER like twice a month.
So BM will text or call DH every day, so DH was then also calling BM every night to tell the girls goodnight. I told DH is this the way BM is keeping him on the hook. If it wasn't an emergency she knew you'd be calling between 6-7pm, she could have waited to tell you. I mean, if they went for a follow up etc...
I told DH I was pissed and all the extra conversation needed to stop. I did see BM texted DH about a pet someone was selling that he "supposedly wanted". So I used that as my basis for saying, you two are acting like you are in a relationship...STOP!
Yeah, that all makes sense
Yeah, that all makes sense too, could be just that. Thanks for the thoughts!!
Sounds typical and annoying!
Sounds typical and annoying! How about people that check in at ER on facebook and everyone says whats wrong no answer then just a vague not me oh its my child then omg whats wrong wrong is she alrite? Then hours later Oh she has flu or constipated or had gas or whatever. WTF people cut the crap!