I think my bf is putting me before his child.
But like not fully on purpose.
We live together, going on 2 1/2 years. The kid does like me but with them barley coming over in months i dont know anymore. (i did interact and would buy little crafts to do but it felt like i was the only one trying) (i want to read them books bc there are absolutely none for the kid in the house) i can also be very shy and quiet so thats how i was with the kid over most the time, which can look standoffish but i never mean it in a negative way!) i guess i never really tried hard because i didn’t want the kid to be uncomfortable but it might be too late)
I think my bf is putting me above his kid. But also i think its not on purpose. Nor do i agree just saying what i see! I know he loves it when we ALL do something but i know he barely has 1 on 1 time with them so i always stay back and push just him.
I know my partner loves his kid but he doesnt go out and get them.(went from eow to a hour a month?) The kid is 5, and doesn’t really come over like they were in the past. His ex was severely bad, she was taking the kid bc i was over or yelling at him in front of the kid about me.
Ofc the kid felt like they were in competition. (interrupting 24/7, being very clingy) I know thats normal. I told my bf about the interrupting and he quickly stopped it next time it happened. He also tries to make sure im never bothered or irritated with the fact of the kid being here. So he always told the kid to quiet down whenever theyd come in the room. I stopped that and said to him “dont tell the kid every time” (i knew this would happen) bc it clearly made the kid understand bc the kid would always then awkwardly stand at the door then slowly walk in.
Were young and I always believed kids shouldnt have kids, this is why. He had no structure for the kid. The kid is respectful but he didnt give them a bed time nor feed them right. (box of fruit snacks gone and no dinner)
Noone is putting their foot down with this kid. They just want the kid happy but mentally the kid doesnt realize they need equal visitation or at least to see dad more. My bf doesnt see it , he just wants his kid happy. The mom apologized to me for her actions but said something at the end that wasnt a direct insult but it was directed towards me so i wouldnt put it past her that she is also help keeping the kid alienated. My bf’s parents arent saying anything but will happily take the grandkid behind his back and not tell him their over.
I know he regrets wasting years with his ex so i feel (just what i see) its an obligation love. I dont want kids until years to come and we’re both ready.
I say not fully on purpose
Because when it is time to visit the kid , he'll take them to the park and soend a few hours with them.
I say not on purpose because he doesnt avoid them, he just wants the kid happy and he probably thinks its easier than hearing the kid say they want mom all night.
Your BF
It sounds like your BF is young and doesn't really understand parenting. He probably has good intentions, but as you point out, is missing consistency, commitment and structure.
I'm not sure what your question is, we all often come here just to vent and run our ideas by others. The only thing I'd advise is definitely not to have a child by your bf at this time.
One way to think about this is, "Has he done the work"? That's what people on Steptalk say when tbey mean, has he established a home where the child feels comfortable coming? Has he established a routine that addresses hygiene, bedtime and meals? Is he handling behavior and discipline issues? Does he have a workable arrangement with BM? Does he have a custody agreement and is he paying child support on time? Unless a man has "done the work", it's hard on a woman to come into a step-parent situation.
Good luck.
It sounds like he is
It sounds like he is extremely conflict avoidant. He doesn't want his kid to be unhappy so he has no structure. He doesn't want his ex to be unhappy so he lets the custody calendar become whatever she wants. He doesn't want you to be unhappy so he tries to respond to what you need.
has he ever done any therapy to understand himself and his issues around this? Would he be willing to read a parenting book? Does he have involved parents who could help him with conversations and structure?
Your right
He is very bad at too much stress and his job doesnt help. (very physical construction with long hours 6am-6pm sometimes.)
We dont talk to BM we talk thru a third party. He said hes done classes. Clearly not or he wasnt paying attention.
I believe theres so much slack because his parents were the one to majorly raise the kid. His parents see the kid more than he does.
So 100% this is not yours to
So 100% this is not yours to fix! You can stay disengaged, but if you do want to say something or ask for something, my personal suggestion would be to pick one thing and ask him to focus on that. Parenting is a big job and a lot to keep track of, and it's possibly or even probably overwhelming for him. But ask him to work on something like the bedtime routine. Ask what was important to him when he was a kid about his bedtime routine. Ask what two or three things he thinks should be a part of every night at bedtime. That way he doesn't have to feel like he needs to solve all the parenting problems, just bedtime. Once bedtime gets a little bit more stable he can work on more dinner time routines or chores or other things like that.
also the reason I think you need to ask him what's important to do and what he wants to do for a structure is to fold: 1) if you came up with the routine that you thought should happen, then when his son rebels or something it could turn into well it's your fault because you thought this was a good idea or what needed to happen. 2) you also just need to stay in that relationship helper mode where you can ask questions and offer support but not take over. He needs to do his own problem-solving as a parent and not look to you to come up with all the ways that he should be doing those. Support and questions, absolutely, but "please just order me around and tell me what to do" is not OK. He is a young adult but he's also still in adult and needs to work on it.
Finally, a boyfriend with a
Finally, a boyfriend with a brain! You should be his priority. Always. Without fail.
Mates and their relationship are the unequivocal priority. Kids are the top adult relationship responsibility. Though they never trump the adult partners and their relationship. Period! DOT!
IMHO of course.
BF does need to put an end to his X interfering in his relationship with his kid.
As others have said, this is not your problem to fix. It is your BF'd issues to repair. However, it is your issue to keep the pressure on him to mitigate the influence all of this has on your life and relationship.
Good luck.