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I think it's time to leave

LolaT's picture

Submitted by LolaT on Sun, 07/07/2019 - 10:02pm

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I'm new to this. But I'm at a place where I don't know where to turn. Friends that I have are mutual between my husband and I and non of them have a situation like ours. Too make a long story short. I have been with my husband for 8 years married for 5 of them. He has 2 children from a previous marriage who are now 10 & 13. It's been a very long road with baby momma. She is text book bipolar and has always used the kids to get what she wants from my husband. She's kept them from him in the past. Taken him to court over and over. She dangles the kids and he jumps. I've learned to deal with things and get the upper hand but my husband works out of town and is gone for two weeks at a time. At first he made it clear to her that he wasn't around and couldn't take the kids for extended visitation during the summer. We live in another town. Last year he cried that she was threatening to take him to court again to fight for full custody since he didn't take them the year prior. So I agreed to keep them but only for the 42 days that are court ordered. Things had been fine. This year, I found out that he had been having excessive communication with her. She's extremely manipulative and he falls for it every time. So he made all these plans with her for summer visitation even allowing his 13 year old to move in without consulting me. The week he was supposed to bring the kids he decided to tell me the day before he brought them. Without asking me if I would be willing to watch them. And he agreed to her terms where we will keep them for the entire summer! Well I say we but reality is it's me that's had to take care of them put them in summer camps. Change my work schedule. Deal with their habits and messiness. Then recently he let her come for a weekend to pick them up again without consulting me. I had plans to go out of town which I had to cancel because she was here and he told her she could be! I've been round and round with him about doing things like this without consulting me over the years and he has stopped until the last two years.  My relationship with these kids isn't the greatest. Actually most of the time I can't stand them. But I was brought these kids and when I tried to send them home with thier mother this weekend of course again she threated my husband that he will never see them again and of course in turn he blames me and we end up fighting. So rather than him stand up to her when I've already told him I don't want to give up my entire summer taking acre of kids. Esp kids that I have had sooo many problems with in the past. Not to mention baby momma and me have very bad blood. He expects me to deal with her. Dealing with her always turns into cops being called and an all out battle which he always leaves me to defend myself. I  feel so used and disrespected. Not to mention he continues to put what she wants before me. At this time kids are still here and my husband's out of town and I told my husband i think I want out. I can't take this anymore. Other than the kid and baby momma problem we have a good relationship and marriage, I know that's the reason it's been so hard to walk away.  But this has been an issue for too long and no matter what he always allows her to run our marriage.  

Fedup225's picture

Submitted by Fedup225 on Sun, 07/07/2019 - 10:22pm

What was his response when you told him you want out?

Traveling for weeks at a time can be a strain on anyone let alone leaving two ungrateful kids to take care of. Does he understand how hard it is on you? Does he help set up any type of care for them? 

The ex wife is a whole different topic, let me tell you from my own struggles with my husband, boundaries have to be in place. It’s a must. My husband and I finally went to counseling, because he was such a ppl pleaser and I was on my way out, because he just wouldn’t say no..... to anyone. 

You have to hold strong and know your worth at the end of the day don’t let her bully you and expect him to stand up to her. As much as BMs threaten to take kids away, it normally doesn’t work that way! 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sun, 07/07/2019 - 10:40pm

He better watch his kids or arrange childcare for his kids.   You are not the babysitter, things don’t go on with out you have input in it.  HD has NO respect for you. You don’t have a marriage with out respect.  So you really don’t have a marriage. 

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Mon, 07/08/2019 - 5:55am

you don’t change your work schedule or original plans when you haven’t been consulted.

when hubby ignores you or gaslights you and goes to work etc or is away when bio mum drops kid off, you say no, you are not aware of any arrangement and hubby if away for work. If she still gets agro and tries to leave skid say you will call cps and inform police a child has been abandoned on your doorstep

let hubby know that you are not this childs parent, you have a job and plans that he clearly doesn’t care about and if he did respect you as a wife he would discuss and consult with you before making decisions

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Mon, 07/08/2019 - 6:53am

So she a,ways will be crazy.  If your DH does not have your back and your come first in the relationship.  You don’t have a relationship, you are riding the crazy train.  Yes, it’s time to leave, because things will never change. 

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Mon, 07/08/2019 - 1:49pm

Do they have a court order? If not, he needs to get one and if they already have one, it needs to be modified so she can't threaten him with not seeing his kids again. As far as you having to watch them, that is not your responsibility so I would just stop accepting that. If he is out of town for weeks, the kids should be with their mother anyway, not with you. None of it makes any sense. Why would the mother even want to drop her kids off to spend weeks there when dad isn't even home?

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Mon, 07/08/2019 - 3:09pm

So he made all these plans with her for summer visitation even allowing his 13 year old to move in without consulting me. The week he was supposed to bring the kids he decided to tell me the day before he brought them. Without asking me if I would be willing to watch them. And he agreed to her terms where we will keep them for the entire summer!

Your H has no regard about your feelings and places his XW and children before your wants & needs. It's time that they make arrangements and find alternate care. You have to stop offering your services and putting your foot in your H's ass for using guilt tripping and blaming you for all this BS.

and when I tried to send them home with their mother this weekend of course again she threated my husband that he will never see them again and of course in turn he blames me and we end up fighting.

These are his children and you are not obligated to do a damn thing. He can blame you all he wants but you need to disengage and allow him to deal with the crazy woman he produced not one but two kids with. Disengage and be done with this mess!