What do you mean about birthday "family" time? Your DP goes out with BM and the skids to celebrate sd's birthday or he takes them out by himself?

He should NOT be having ANY family time with BM, as they no longer are "family". Wehn you divorce while you continue to have a bond through the children, this does not and should not include any "family" events especially when there is a new partner on the scene (i.e. you). Why are you putting up with that and why do you *have* to go away?!! Just because BM demands something does not mean your DP should bow down to it. What's the next demand? That you and DP never marry, and he listens?!!

Your issue is with DP. Your BM may be a silly bint who thinks she should run the scene with your DP and skids, however your DP allows her to lead him by the balls. Your DP is a grown man and a father, he has rights and should enforce them to ensure he can have access to the children and then BM can DEMAND to her merry black heart but doesn't mean DP should listen. In fact I advocate that unless he wants to destroy your relationship, that he mans up, tells BM to butt out and he will be arranging HIS time, stop allowing his guilt and BM's manipulation to affect the time he DOES spend with you for your birthday and other occasions. The fact he is sad/guilty during the quality time together is ridiculous, as he is ruining YOUR special moments. He needs to pull it together and you need to stop enabling him to continue acting in this manner.

So if he tells you or suggests you "go away" you can refuse, it is your right. If he wants BM to pull his strings then thats HIS choice but that choice is not yours, you are entitled to make a different one. If DP decides to spend time with his ex, then you need to reconsider your status in his life, he should NOT be pretending to be family when its a lie and it disrespects what he has with you. Do not invite him to your birthday celebrations unless he can behave and at least put a decent face on! JIMPO.

If the birthday celebrations occur during mom's scheduled time, yhen she has a right to exclude. Your DP should have parties during him time and exclude BM.

It's time for this guy to man up and stop letting BM control him.

He goes out with BM and the kids. He says this is what the kids want - the "nuclear" family.

**************************

WTF?!!! I wanted to win the lottery as a child...doesn't mean that happened though.

JIMPO = Just in my personal opinion.

Wow :jawdrop: So not only is DP controlled by his ex, but also his children?!! You are in for hell imo if you marry this man without him sorting this baggage out before you lock yourself into a relationship with him!

It only gets worse when you get married, I am just telling you the truth. Also who said "it's like it or lump it"?!! It seems to me like you fear splitting with him again and therefore will do anything to avoid upsetting him when he stonewalls you with excuses - i.e. "its for the children's sake...they want it...BM will make it difficult to see my children if I do that, do you want me to miss out on seeing my kids...?!!"

The fact this man has children does NOT give him an automatic free pass to do what he wants, when he wants, then he rolls out the justification - the children. He can and will use them to excuse anything, and it is only just beginning because your skids are learning from their mother how to treat dad = make selfish and unreasonable demands and dad caves. They are also learning from dad that if THEY replicate the same behaviour they get what they want = daddy being a pushover. They will wield this power like professionals while your DP falls over himself to protect his cherubs and while you factor in around the bottom.

No way in hell should DP be marrying you while he is STILL encouraging his children's and BM's fantasy that they are a "nuclear" family. Why did they break up then if they are sooooo intent on playing out their F'ed up delusion?!! No way should you put up with him going out with his EX!

You really need to read up about how bad other SM's have had it when faced in a similar situation. I know one SM, who has had YEARS of therapy with her now DH, because he did the same thing with her and would also run off to BM's every xmas day leaving SM on her own!

You have an uphill struggle but it sounds like you are in deep denial that your marriage will survive. Your happiness certainly will not, as your resentment creeps up and BM causes a scene about anything.

I have a BM like yours and they never ever stop. Mine married, had another child. Made her worse. Now she used SS's little sister as a reason to prevent access and make DH jump through unachievable hoops. Not permitted to do that, nor this and it has to be done HER way. My DH put his ex's demands before mine and it nearly destroyed us. I wish I had listened to those warning bells, the red flags, because your dating time is precious. Those are the moments where you assess your partner's suitability for your needs, the fit with your life and what he brings to YOUR table of dreams. You test drive before you buy. No one person should make all the compromise, the sacrifice, as thats a complete power imbalance. If he is unable to prove he is able and willing to compromise, recognise HEALTHY behaviour and boundaries, have an awareness of his own actions and the consequences of those on you and try and redress that, then there is no hope. He is so locked in his fantasy world, you are on the outskirts of his vision and only factor in when its convenient for him. If he was concerned about his children to THAT degree, then he would think of the long term implication of these piss poor decision and become their father, not their friend. This is about what's easy for him, what HE wants. Not what is right.

Oh jeez. Honey, think long and Hard before you marry this man. If he is still this affected by guilt trips, your life with him is going to be miserable.

It is not normal or healthy for him to still be doing "family" events or celebrations with BM and excluding you. Even if that is what the kids want. Even if it s the kids birthday. Their parents split up, if DH wants them to still function as a nuclear family, he needs to get back together with their mom, not play pretend for special occasions. He gets an invite for a celebration from BM? He turns it down if you aren't invited. He celebrates with the kids on His time.

He needs to get some help to deal with this guilt and stop letting it run his life and your life too.

You are engaged to this man but you feel like you are "at the mercy" of his ex. Are you really comfortable with having your household run by another woman? Because if he is this easy to manipulate by guilt, that is exactly what is going to happen.

He didn't think she was important enough to marry. She wasn't important enough to stay with. Why is he placing so much importance on what she says? Why is he giving her the power to make him miserable and influence his behaviors?

If she refuses to let the kids go to the wedding will be still want a wedding? Do you want kids of your own? Because you know that will be him "replacing" his current children. So to make them feel better, will he ignore any other children he has? Or will he just be a miserable bastard toward you and them all the time? If you do have a family with this man, how will you do birthdays and holidays then? Will your children be invited to these family events with BM while you are still excluded?

He may have never married her but it sounds like he still is treating her like she's his wife and he's treating you like the dirty mistress he's betraying his "real" family with.

I have never had a joint birthday with my parents since the divorce and SS hasn't either. I think that you truly need to consider is this a relationship you want to put yourself in this marriage if he is willing to play happy family in my eyes.

BM has her own time and own party and we have ours. In our CO it state that the opposing parent who does not have custody per the general custody outline gets the child from 6pm - 8pm on the child's birthday other than that they must do stuff on THEIR time.

Ok, I have to comment here because I have and am living what you are living right now. I have been with my DH for almost 9 years. He told me that it was a "one family" mentality. So I was expected to be with them for everything from birthdays, holidays, and after event activities (i.e. concerts, etc.) So I did all of it, and the ex wife and ex mother in law were nasty mean, but I was long suffering. My thoughts and ideas were always negated and I was identified as a "bitch" if I asserted any desire to do anything other than the ex's wishes. I did hope that they would all see how committed to this I was by "doing it right" and their way, and being a good "step mother" for DH's girls. The few times I tried to push back but was squashed with the "my counselor said that we can't make the girls choose and we have to have one family. I won't make them choose me or their mother", so I kept trying. I did everything from apologies to the ex, to biting my tongue, hosting them for events/holidays, taking back seats at his family's events as they still treated her like the wife/daughter in law and me as just a "nice guy".

Fast forward to last spring, the sd15 (now 16) exploded with lies and attacks and it has resulted in months and months of counseling for dh and I. We left one counselor and went back to the one that he saw when he was coming out that told him the "one family" shit. So I went to see her with him, after he confessed that she was the one that gave him the idea of "one family". I asked her what she meant and why - I said it seemed to go against everything that I had heard about divorced families.

She looked shocked and said, that "one family" comment was because there was no one in DH life at the time and that he and his ex seemed to get along so she had suggested birthdays/events one year at the ex's house and then the next year at his house. She said "of course when a new partner comes into the picture, then there are two families and all events are separate and I would never recommend that you and your dh attend parties/events/etc, under the guise of having one family. That diminishes your role as SP and your family. You would want your own things, traditions, etc.

So as of yesterday, his attempts to set boundaries after all this time, has resulted in the sd's cutting us off, his ex cutting him off, hurt, pain and anger on everyone's part, myself included. It has also resulted in him cutting the sd20's college money because of the situation. I can not even begin to tell you the pain and trouble you will have from trying to do it the way he wants it done. (It might seem ok on the surface at the beginning...like mine did, but trust me....it only goes up in flames!!!)

Sooooo....please, please, please, from one who knows the out come of where you are headed....get out now or get boundaries set before you go further. Make this a do now or die situation. Have the strength to walk away from your DP if he can't do this immediately and with conviction (key term there....please note it !!!) because you will only end up with no self esteem, hurt and betrayed.

Best of luck and many hugs from a wicked step mother (totally feeling like the evil queen in snow white...if I could only have a poison apple...LOL) who has lived where you are and is currently living your future if you don't change it now.

xoxo