I have to know how can you allow this?
I have noticed here lately that a lot of step moms let their SO's let their step kids and exes walk all over them. I am a different person I guess. When I see that dh is letting bm get away with crap or the skids get away with crap I'll say something and if he doesn't do something I'm gone. Sorry I just can't sit and get treated like crap or our plans messed up b/c bm is a bitch. I know that being a step mom is complicated to a degree but still why allow your dh out you through that crap just b/c he has no balls? I made it very clear in the beginning that I will not be disrespected or expected to pick up the their slack for not being parents. I do not do pick ups or droop offs, I do not buy for them unless I want to. I refuse to give my money for the skids unless I want too. I have to provide for my 2 first. (I don't get CS for them) I dh knows I will leave if he doesn't treat his kids the same as mine. I do not do this "he came from a broken home" crap! He is a kid and is expected to behave! He is expected to listen to me and do as I say. I am the adult weather dh is there or not. If they say "you are not my mom" I tell them "no I'm not your mom but this is MY house and when you are here you are expected to listen to me as well."
I guess I am asking why do some of you step mom put up with the crap?
Hey there daisies… (LOVED the
Hey there daisies…
(LOVED the story behind your name btw)
I think that most of the steppers around here that seem to be “allowing” that kind of behavior have tried to prevent it but came up against a brick wall. Ultimately you can’t make someone treat you well if they don’t want to… I can see asking why people stay in those situations, but I know what the answer is. LOVE. They love their mate so much they’re willing to put up with almost anything…
I’m with you all the way with your post (it’s how I run my house) but unless your mate is on the same page as you there’s no chance that it will work in your favor.
Just last night DH had to have a little “reminder” talk with SS6 about who I am to him… he was starting down the “you’re not my mother” road and DH got him alone and firmly reminded him that when he is in our home I AM the mama… not taking the place of his Mother, but I am the mother of our home. Just like (gawd willing) if his Mother re-marries some day that man will love him and be the “daddy” of their home. Not replacing him as his Father… but the man in charge of the house.
This seemed to register… SS6 came out and gave me a big hug and has lost the attitude all together. But it has to be a constant TEAM effort to make it work… dig?
I get what you're saying but
I get what you're saying but I had to look at it a different way. I have 2 kids and I had to make sure they were treated fairly too. If dh let his kids do certain things but not mine I had to do somehting. I can;t sit there and let his kids do whatever they wanted when they wanted and get what they wanted but mine had to be model students? I told him dh that I came in the marriage a single mom and can go out that way too. I did it for 10 years before we got married. I took that line from my gma, she said the same thing to my gpa. LOL Of course back then it was unheard of for single moms but gma is too like me LOL. Of course marriage is all about compromise but at the same time there are certain things that will just not fly with me period. They are all mainly about dh not playing into bm and her games. He is not allowed to talk to her about us or my kids. He is only to talk to her about their kids and that is all. He is not to do her any favors i.e. fix anything for her at her house or her car or whatever. The kids are to be treated equal. Dh is not to give bm extra money as we just don;t have it. Bm is not allowed at our home nor is she allowed to call after 9pm or before 8am. (yes we had to put that one in there b/c she would call me at 6:30 in the morning to get info and say it was an emergency). I had to make myself clear with her too about calling me, I had to file charges on her. You have to make it very clear what you will accept and not accept b/c if you don;t it will always end up with you being crapped on.
I agree, as i said it is
I agree, as i said it is about compromise.
She doesn;t need to know
She doesn;t need to know ANYTHING including why you let him pick his own shirt. That is stupid. I have told my dh this what happens at our house is our business and what happens at her house is her business. I don;t want to know why she let a kid wear a shirt he picks vs a shirt she picks out. Look at it this way would you want to know what was going on at her house all the time? (expect for abuse). UMM NO I don;t need to know what they had for dinner or what time they went to bed or what she bought them or you get the idea.
If we had the kids I would do
If we had the kids I would do things like that too. But I refuse to have anything to do with bm. I do not pick up or drop off with bm.
But I have a history with her that is not pretty, she tried to get my son arrested 3 times and tried to say my son was molesting one of her sons. This is a long story. So that is the main reason for my rule on dh is not allowed to talk about me or my kids to bm or our plans and such.
I think that most people are
I think that most people are not strong enough to lay out the laws up front in a relationship. They think that the person they love will respect them enough to find a way to work through the tough spots, will consider their needs and opinions.
Then they get so deep into a relationship, and truely love that person and try to overlook behaviors and personality traits that evenually drive them crazy.
I admire people like you who say what they expect up front and demand those around them to live by it or lose you. I can say that I would like to be that, but I am not. I am more a 'people pleaser', 'fixer' type of personality.
I've found the things that I choose to let go in the begining in hopes of not causing unnecessary conflict are the very things that have built up resentment to the point of unhappiness today. And it's hard to change what's become habit.
I wish I had spoken my mind from the start and just dealt with the outcome, even if that meant the end of DH and I.
I think most of us have laid
I think most of us have laid out some boundaries in our situations-boundaries are different in all situations because we all live different lives here. I dont do pickups, dropoffs, or deal with bm. Dh deals with bm as little as possible and is not involved with her in anyway except to arrange pu's or do's. Mostly we dont have drama there. If my dh hears ss smart off to me-he disciplines him. My ss is pretty dang smart though and he does it behind dh's back. How I handle that is dependent on my mood. Sometimes I completely ignore it, sometimes I handle it myself, sometimes I tell dh to handle it. Ss mostly ignores me-which is frustrating as i would really like have him included in our happy family life-but I can't force him so I just live my life as do my kids and even dh. Ss does find himself spending time alone while he's here because he refuses to join in the family fun.
He said he's divorce me if I
He said he's divorce me if I didn't behave (ie. shut-up).
So I disengaged & found other things to do (like focus more on me) and my daughter. He does exactly the same stuff over & over, nothing ever changes. My latest is: no dinner making.
Skids aren't required to partake (have to play xbox nonstop) so I am better off making my own dinner when I want it. They didn't like the Suzy Homemaker SM. So eat your junk food, drink your sodas boys. Not my kids, not my problem.
So you have the fear your dh
So you have the fear your dh will divorce you? Why? Marriage is about compromise not one sided and if he is one sided then he is not the one. sorry but that is how I feel. But what you do is your business, I was just wondering.
"behave" is a word that is
"behave" is a word that is used for a child. I know if my husband said that to me, he'd be picking his stuff up off the lawn.
The thing that works in our
The thing that works in our relationship is right from the beginning we agreed to be a united front and have stuck with that. DH needed in the beginning to tell BM where to stick it but now he does and our relationship is so much better for it. This is not to say that my life is perfect but I don't have a lot of the problems that some of you poor SM's have. I don't know how you all deal with it. I admire many of you and what you go through. Lucky for me BM and SS live 700 miles away. Even though when he comes to visit for those 4 weeks a year it is stressful. But all in all DH and I are on the same page so it works.
In my situation I felt I had
In my situation I felt I had no choice to say I was not going to do for my steps as I became their main parent. I treated them as my bios, we were together since the kids were all very young, exes were really not a big part of the picture ever. I did so try to get husband involved but he pretty much left things up to me but then when his sons would get hurt or mad then that made him upset at me. It was a mess and I really saw no way out of the situation but to leave and had we not had children of our own I may have left.
It's pretty hard to get your
It's pretty hard to get your SKs to give you respect and listen to you when they don't even do it with their own father! Basically, BM wants to be their friend and not their parent so we have two extremely spoiled kids who think they can do wahtever they want. How do you enforce rules at your house when they are used to having none? I have talked to DH about establishing rules, etc but it goes in one ear out the other. He avoids confrontation at all costs. I stay becuse we have a son together and one on the way and I don't want them to be from a broken home. So I just have to learn how to deal with the cards I have.