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I finally said it out loud!

JustPeachy22's picture

Submitted by JustPeachy22 on Fri, 01/27/2012 - 9:32am

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It has been yet another one of those weeks where i am pms'ing and still a little bitter about the way my BS13 gets treated vs. Skids. Being that he is with us more and older, I guess in some ways it is justified to be harder on him than the skids who are EOW. But, my problem is FDH will "inspect" to be sure my BS is on top of chores while I have to "point out" to him that SD9 clearly left her plate on the dinner table..again.. Its just the principle. Don't ingnore the behavior of your own kids but expect mine to fall in line( to makes matters worse is FMIL believes FSD9 should be waited on hand and foot and she was around alot last weekend). So, last night we were talking it out and it eventually came to, of course, " YOU just resent my daughter". This flung me into full on PMS warrior mode. I told him that I didn't resent his daughter, I just didn't like her very much. Plain and simple. I expected FDH to start packing. Instead he looked up at me, completly perplexed and asked "Why"?. "Because, I don't like young children who constantly back talk and smart mouth adults. I also don't like to be around spoiled and entitled children. I don't like them at work and I don't like them at home. But, I will promise to give your daughter respect in my home. I promise to make sure she is cared for when I am watching her and I promise to never, ever, abuse her in any way. " And that is all I can muster for now. It may change one day, but this will have to be good enough for now.
I felt so good to say it. He actually accepted it.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Fri, 01/27/2012 - 10:08am

I understand how you feel. Although there is a 7yr difference between "loser sd" and our son, DH expected more from our son. I got so angry that I didn't want him to discipline our son. As the years have passed, we BOTH have realized that his lax parenting with loser didn't do much but helped her be a bigger loser. On the other hand, although not perfect, our son is constantly praised by adults for his manners and character. Now I say "good! Be tough on him, just like I have been...he will benefit the most!"

So keep that in mind.

duct_tape's picture

Submitted by duct_tape on Fri, 01/27/2012 - 11:20am

My husband and I have gone through this before. Here's what he admitted to after I called him on it.

It's easier to confront and correct my kids as opposed to his. His will walk away, ignore, or argue. Mine will say ok. They will listen and then follow up with changing.

The kid who is the most likely to receive critisism well, gets the most critisism. Sad but true.

Your husbands kids argue back and make it hard for him to correct them. So he backs off.

hbell0428's picture

Submitted by hbell0428 on Fri, 01/27/2012 - 11:26am

yep.....been here; the blame game! It doesn't work and in the long run it lets the kids win and you loose your united front. I have been a SM for 12 years and DH and I FINALLY figured it out. (somewhat). I think it's not so much parenting your "own" child, it's listening to the other parent w/o getting defensive. My BD is a complete airhead....she has severe OCD and stuggles in school. She doesn't lie, cheat or steal and would do anything for anyone. My SD is a perfect little angel is school and had dadddy wrapped around her finger & teachers....meanwhile she was sneaking out, stealing, and doing boys. 2 different kids. He was pointing fingers at the things I was doing wrong....all the while SD was running rampid. It took a huge slap in the face to get him to snap out of it.....thank god!! But he would get defensive when I would try to talk to him about his daughter...he thought I was out to get her!! I am not sure why some parents get defensive; I think they/we/I take it personally - like we aren't good parents. Most of the time that's not the case. Talk to each other before it gets out of control....you will resent DH but take it out on the kid......believe me!! Good Luck

unsure99's picture

Submitted by unsure99 on Fri, 01/27/2012 - 3:30pm

This happens at my house, the ole double standard!! Except it's with my grandkids. They stay at our house alot on the weekends. FDH will get on to them, not run when they holler, make them pick up after themselfs, but you think he does this to his daughter?? Oh no, she does nothing wrong and he never tells her to do anything for herself. He waits on her hand and foot, he makes her bed, washes her clothes, cuts her meat up, picks up after her. He expects nothing from her except to be his baby girl!! I don't have a problem with the way he treats my grandkids, I don't want him to stop what he is doing, because he is doing right by them. I want them to grow up to be responsible adults. In the long run it's his daughter that is going to suffer for the way he is treating her.